Saturday, August 20, 2005
A WEEKEND OF COOKING AND WALKING AND SOUL SEARCHING
Well many more problems Sat morning culminating in my hanging up the phone on my mother telling herto do what she likes. I then rang my sister and she rang to try to talk some sense into mum. No success but at least I took a break. Someone suggested I cut myself off from mum and I often want to. I actually cut myself offf from my mother last Oct. It was really hard to do as I have basically looked after her since my dad died 12 years ago. It was after her Dh attacked me and then she went back to him. It was very hard and I felt a lot of guilt as my mother is a very needy person and has always relied on me, even since I was a teenager. I missed her 75th bday but since about Feb began talking to her and taking her out occassionally. I refused to go into her home because he was there, We have not had her for Xmas or any bdays which has been hard. My sister and son have built new houses and she hasn't seen them. Then in June when she had a bad fall and ended up in hospital I went back and tried to help her sort out her physical problems. I still refused to go to her home while he was there. Now she has kicked him out she thinks I can go back to looking after her. I tried to explain that things have also changed because of the lies she has told and the abuse she directed at me and the fact that I do not trust her. Problem is as awful as it sounds I do not like her. But I do love her and do not want her to suffer. She is just not a nice person and she will not try to help herself at all. But she is old, and weak and in bad health. She is also a hypochondriac but does have some serious medical problems. I do not want to be mean to her but it is obvious that I put my weight on after my dad died and I have lost 15 kg this year while I haven't been seeing much of her. My whole life I was taught to look after my mother and that is ingrained in me so breaking with this is very hard. I have to find a way to help her within my boundaries and my limits so that I am not affected to much by her. I have to be able to live with myself so I cannot just cut her off. Way too many years where I have looked after her mean if I don't convince myself I am doing the right thing I just cannot sleep at night worrying. It is no coincidence that I started this journey saying I have to look after my soul when I drastically altered my relationship with her. So now I need to not get too involved or too trapped by her but still try to do what is best for her so that my soul is not destroyed as it was in the past. Thanks for listening guys..don't know if this makes sense but it helps me to write it.
Anyway I am proud of myself because this weekend I have responded by going for walks and cooking lots of healthy food, and staying on track with my eating. I weighed in and only put on 200g. That is great because the week before if I had gone to weigh in it would have been a gain of about 4k. I am on the right track again and hope I can keep on it regardless of what is happening. My brother in law got the all clear with his cancer test and my aunty's condition is stable. My DH goes away interstate tomorrow so I am going to tackle those wardrobes and find some clothes to throw out and some clothes that were once too small and will now fit as well as some still too small to use for motivation. May even get up at 5.20 and go to kickboxing!!!!
Have a great day everyone.
Posted by michelle ::
7:35 pm ::
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