feedmysoul

Thursday, April 28, 2005

My Weight History

For most of my life I was an anorexic looking girl/women. Put on a little weight after each child. After having my daughter I stayed bigger, about a Size 14, and thought I was really fat!! (if only I was that weight now.) When my daughter was two my father had heart surgery and a few months later was diagnosed with cancer. It only took 4 months for him to die but those 4 months were a nightmare. He kept hemoragging and required constant emergency trips to hospital. Usually I took him because it was quicker than an ambulance. We would then spend all night in the hospital. They were unable to treat his cancer and he wanted to be at home so I nursed him until he died in my arms on Valentines Day. I had three young children, a business and a home to run and a mother who was now totally dependent on me having never been alone her whole life. My siblings except for one younger sister were no help and she lived a long way away. I managed somehow. I was also was President at my school council, President of the School Council Presidents Association formed by the Education Department and ran training sessions for councillors, quality assurance seminars etc.
Slowly I turned for food for comfort. Our business got into trouble and my husband retreated behind a wall of bitterness. We both had to work very hard to save our home and our business. We succeeded and again the business is very successful but at great cost to our relationship. Through this all I relied more and more on food as a crutch. It provided comfort when I was feeling miserable. I didn't tell anyone about how bad things were.... just kept working hard at being perfect at all roles and kept right on eating. I had some major health problems and dealt with these the same way.. telling no-one, just getting right back to work and eating in private.
Of course over the years I tried many times to lose weight and sometimes did lose a lot. But , I put it all back on because it was easier.. and who cared anyway? Well I think this time I care and I really want to change myself. I want to be healthier, I want to feel better about myself, I want to like myself inside and out. Hence I mean it when I say I will feed my soul. Part of the reason I am doing this blog is to force myself to open up. I hope I can make some friends along the way. Thankyou to anyone bothering to read this and share my journey.

Posted by michelle :: 4:02 am :: 1 comments