Wednesday, August 31, 2005
MY LETTER
The funeral for my aunty is this Friday. This afternoon her daughter rang me and asked me to read th eletter I wrote to my aunty a week ago. She said if I don't want to the celebrant will do it. That seems wrong to me so I said I would. Now I have just got on my computer and read the letter I wrote, a bit worried about it now. I am sharing it with you guys because you have been so supportive. You are like my audition. I just hope it is the right thing to do to read it at the funeral. I never meant for it to be made public. Dear Aunty Brenda,
Just wanted to tell you some things I need to tell you. Many of my fondest childhood memories have you in them. You were always there for me with your open arms and your open heart making sure that I felt part of your family. You and Uncle Jack made me feel safe and loved. You treated me as if I was your own child. Told me off if I was naughty, cuddled me if I was sad. When I was very sick you nursed me through the night and yelled at the doctors until they accepted your diagnosis.
Your home was a happy place with lots of laughter and good times and I loved being there. I still have a chuckle when I remember how feisty you were. Whether telling off the butcher or letting Uncle Jack fall asleep in his mashed potatoes you were always entertaining. Stubborn, yes, outspoken, sometimes, but never a whinger. You have always had that joyful sense of humour.
You accepted me and others with all our faults, said your piece but held no grudges. You gave your love unconditionally. I still think of those times when I settle down late at night and wish I had the toast fingers or ice cream with chocolate topping you used to make for me. I remember the outfit you made me for my first dance and the first bikini you made me when I was only about 5. I remember the Christmases that you made so special for me and the family trips to the beach.
My big regret as an adult is that we drifted apart when I grew up. A busy life and family got in the way and I should not have let it. All this time, though my visits have been too far apart, you have stayed in my heart just as Uncle Jack has.
When you leave us you will still be living on in my heart and memories and in those others you loved. I hope you know how much you are loved and how much I know that you helped make me the person I am today.
You showed me that a woman can be strong and assertive, you showed me how a child can be made to feel safe and secure, and you showed me how love can be non judgmental. You showed me how to be a mother.
Thank you for everything. When you have to go, go peacefully and give Uncle Jack a big kiss for me.Love Michelle.
Posted by michelle ::
4:49 am ::
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Sunday, August 28, 2005
MY AUNTY BRENDA
I have just spent most of the last 24 hours with my aunty. She is actually not related to me but took in my mother when she was young and alone and I then was lucky enough to be her Goddaughter. She died tonight at 8.15. I have been a very fortunate person to have such a special person in my life. She was a huge influence when I was growing up as I spent all of my school holidays staying in her home. She was a strong, independent woman with a great sense of humour. As such she was a great role model and when I stayed with her I felt loved and safe. Today there were tears but lots of laughter as we told each other stories from her entertaining past. It was very sad watching her struggling to breathe but a great privilege to share her death as well as her life with her family. At one point we even had 4 generations in the room. I will miss her greatly but I will always remember her with love and laughter. She was a great lady.
Posted by michelle ::
6:31 am ::
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Saturday, August 27, 2005
WEIGH IN
Lost 1.1 bringing my total lost to 16.4.
Nothing good to say apart from that because all my news is very depressing.
I hope you all have a good weekend.
MY THOUGHT FOR TODAY
If you give of yourself then you can be proud of yourself. When I am old I want to be able to look back and know that I was a good eprson. Good to me means unselfish, loving and caring. Theses are things I try to be each day. I don't always succeed but when I do I like myself.
EDIT POST
Just wnat to move this comment from Karen up here. It says exactly how I feel about life. Thanks Karen.
I have to live with myself, and so,
I want to be fit for myself to know;
I want to be able as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.
I never can hide myself from me,
I see what others may never see,
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself -- and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.
Posted by michelle ::
2:26 am ::
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
My mums Dh has officially moved back in with her. I told her on Mon night I will not be coming back into her home and hung up on her. I am so angry with her. She refused to go to rehab on Monday as well and is not going to see my aunty because it would upset her too much.
Anyway took last night off and went and played tennis. My Dd came to fill in for another team and she won! It was a great stress relief and we had a laugh together. Big step up for Ebony because she is very shy and had to play with strange adults, including 2 men. I was on another court so she had to rely on herself. She has always refused to fill in even though one of her friends does occasionally. She enjoyed it and now will be willing to do it again. I took myself to bed at 10 and actually slept till 6. Feel much better today, although I had a dizzy spell this morning. I am making myself eat some morning tea now because I haven't been eating enough..
Had another argument with our favourite client yesterday who again decided to hold back our progress payment without even advising us. I exploded!! Rang his boss who agrees we are ahead on project and there is no reason. Payment will now be made today. Some men are just arrogant ****** who just like to flex their power.
My Dh and son come home tonight from interstate for a few days tonight so that will be good. I have brought my runners into work and I am going to make the time for a walk one way or another. Something I never do, but as I have to work late I decided I deserve 40 min off to walk.
My aunty is waiting to be moved to a Palliative Care facility. Her granddaughter is arriving this morning from Norfolk Island. I just hope she recognises her.
Thanks for all your support everyone it really helps. My heart also goes out to the other fellow bloggers who are having a bad time. Hope the blogging is helping them also. I know my problems are small compared to some of them.
Posted by michelle ::
4:10 pm ::
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Monday, August 22, 2005
A QUICK UPDATE
Have spent the last two nights at th ehospital with my poor Aunty who has become critical. It has become just a matter of time. I have been going in at midnight and sitting with her till 5am. Lots of tim eto think about the good memories we share and I talk to her about those times which she likes. I just don't want her to die all alone. Her daughter goes there in the daytime.
Had way more troubl ewith my mum and don't think I will bother speaking to her this week!
My daughter got ready for school today very excited because she was going to check out a Tafe today which offers a course in Justice she thinks she is interested in. We researched it last night on the internet. Then at 8am she started vomiting so no excursion for her. Poor thing i snow in bed with a bucket nearby.
Haven't been able to catch up onyour blogs. Hope you are all well and happy.
Posted by michelle ::
4:00 pm ::
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Saturday, August 20, 2005
A WEEKEND OF COOKING AND WALKING AND SOUL SEARCHING
Well many more problems Sat morning culminating in my hanging up the phone on my mother telling herto do what she likes. I then rang my sister and she rang to try to talk some sense into mum. No success but at least I took a break. Someone suggested I cut myself off from mum and I often want to. I actually cut myself offf from my mother last Oct. It was really hard to do as I have basically looked after her since my dad died 12 years ago. It was after her Dh attacked me and then she went back to him. It was very hard and I felt a lot of guilt as my mother is a very needy person and has always relied on me, even since I was a teenager. I missed her 75th bday but since about Feb began talking to her and taking her out occassionally. I refused to go into her home because he was there, We have not had her for Xmas or any bdays which has been hard. My sister and son have built new houses and she hasn't seen them. Then in June when she had a bad fall and ended up in hospital I went back and tried to help her sort out her physical problems. I still refused to go to her home while he was there. Now she has kicked him out she thinks I can go back to looking after her. I tried to explain that things have also changed because of the lies she has told and the abuse she directed at me and the fact that I do not trust her. Problem is as awful as it sounds I do not like her. But I do love her and do not want her to suffer. She is just not a nice person and she will not try to help herself at all. But she is old, and weak and in bad health. She is also a hypochondriac but does have some serious medical problems. I do not want to be mean to her but it is obvious that I put my weight on after my dad died and I have lost 15 kg this year while I haven't been seeing much of her. My whole life I was taught to look after my mother and that is ingrained in me so breaking with this is very hard. I have to find a way to help her within my boundaries and my limits so that I am not affected to much by her. I have to be able to live with myself so I cannot just cut her off. Way too many years where I have looked after her mean if I don't convince myself I am doing the right thing I just cannot sleep at night worrying. It is no coincidence that I started this journey saying I have to look after my soul when I drastically altered my relationship with her. So now I need to not get too involved or too trapped by her but still try to do what is best for her so that my soul is not destroyed as it was in the past. Thanks for listening guys..don't know if this makes sense but it helps me to write it.
Anyway I am proud of myself because this weekend I have responded by going for walks and cooking lots of healthy food, and staying on track with my eating. I weighed in and only put on 200g. That is great because the week before if I had gone to weigh in it would have been a gain of about 4k. I am on the right track again and hope I can keep on it regardless of what is happening. My brother in law got the all clear with his cancer test and my aunty's condition is stable. My DH goes away interstate tomorrow so I am going to tackle those wardrobes and find some clothes to throw out and some clothes that were once too small and will now fit as well as some still too small to use for motivation. May even get up at 5.20 and go to kickboxing!!!!
Have a great day everyone.
Posted by michelle ::
7:35 pm ::
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Thursday, August 18, 2005
I AM GOING TO WEIGH IN
Well this week just went from bad to worse. My mum is back in love with her abusive Dh and has spent the week alternating between telling me lies, ringing and hysterically demanding I rush over to help her, refusing the rehabilitation I have arranged for her and the counselling. My aunty who I am very close to was rushed to hospital with heart failure, my brother in law is having tests today for bowel cancer and my GF says she is leaving her DH. We are in the middle of this major project at work and on paperwork overload. I was a bit of a mess yesterday and didn't get much work done after 4 hours with my mother. She is extremely manipulative and tells diferent people different stories to get what she wants. She then turns on the tears to get them to feel sorry for her and give in. Problem is she cannot walk more than about 2 feet beacuse of her arthritis and falls she had, but mainly because she refuses to exercise through the pain or to move around to get things working again. The Dr rang me yesterday and said "you know most of her problem is psychological." Hello I have had to deal with her attitude my whole life. Hence when I am sick I don't tell my children and won't go to th eDr until absolutely urgent.
Have to just be positive. I have had only 18 points a day and done lots of walking! I have planned my meals, and cooked some casseroles and soup.I haven't been to my formal training sessions because I cannot drag myself out of bed at 5.30am. (hopefully next week)
I came in to work at lunchtime after a morning at the hospital and sent my office girl home because she has worked really hard this week. I have told my DH that when he gets back at 4.30 we are leaving and going to get videos. He never leaves work before 6-7pm. He wants junk food but I told him..not for me. I will get him and Ebony MCd when I pick her up from work.
I have decided to go and weigh in at WW in the morning. I will have gained a little but actually have lost a lot this week after being so bad the week before. If I get it on record then I can feel good about myself if I have a real loss next week. So I am writing it here to make me go because actually it will be really hard to get there. I will need to take Ebs to Tennis at 8am then drive back to another suburb (she has an away game)for WW then back to tennis which I am meant to be supervising. I will just tell one of the other parents to do it for a change. I will let you all know tomorrow how I go.
Posted by michelle ::
10:54 pm ::
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005
THANKS EVERYONE
Thanks for all your suppport everyone. It really is amazing this little community we have established. I will try to take on board everything you all have said. Having more troubles with mum and I actually hung up the phone on her this morning. M at this very minute I could cheerfully drag her into a nursing home. It would be the best thing but she will not see that and I would literally have to drag her there kicking and screaming. As it is she is refusing to go along with everything I am trying to arrange to support her at home. She just turns on the water works to ensure that she can stay sitting on her bum all day with all of us waiting on her hand and foot!! As you can see I am not very sympathetic this morning. She is also now going to have her DH drive her to church every Sunday. That of course in the past has been the first step to him coming back!!
Anyway thanks to you guys I have not reacted by eating. I know I have put on weight last week and will just stay clear of the scales and try not to obsess about it. I am trying to eat sensibly and next week will get back to my training. Just couldn't go this morning but turned off the alarm at 12.30am and said "bugger it.' I have had a killer headache for the past few days. I know it will be from stress and high blood pressure combined with cutting out the junk food. My trainer is away on her honeymoon and I am just not up to going to the fill in trainer. He is too mucho for my mood at the moment and I am too lazy. Will start back next week without fail!!
It is great to see Emily reached goal and looks fabulous. Also Briony has got her butt into gear and is now going great guns. Very inspirational. Mary and Kim have their new jobs, Linda and AGR have nice men in their beds and M has an awesome attitude to her fat/back association. Kellee has her Univ course to master and Jodie did the CTS!! Anne and Suzy are at goal or so close it doesn't matter and Glenys will be there soon. And Sue has mastered the snappy comeback and is conquering the gym.
You are all so inspiring. Thanks everyone. Next week I will be back on the right track and committed to my exercise again inspired by you all.
Posted by michelle ::
4:47 pm ::
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Sunday, August 14, 2005
BAD WEEK ALL ROUND
Just a quick catch up to confess my wicked, wicked ways this week. Things got way worse with my mum. Wed night I actually had to go there in the middle of the night because her DH had broken in to the house and was scaring her. Of course she wouldn't let me ring the police. I got him to leave, after some bad scene, but then she was terrified. She refused to leave her home because she has a fear that he will claim it. Hence I had to spend a lot of time there making her feel safe again. Had visits from some absolutely stupid friends of hers that just made things worse with the stupid things they say. Hence I got very angry and used food as a stress release. Basically I just decided that I didn't care and went on a binge for 4 days. My sister came out on Sat and we finished cleaning at her house and rearranging furniture to make the place safer for her. She can hardly walk and has had a lot of bad falls. She just wants to sit in her chair and be waited on all day and night long. We had to be mean and try to get her to start walking just a little even though it hurts. Then yesterday her "friends and minister" convinced her that we were just trying to put her in a nursing home. This made her hysterical again and she started rambling on about how her mum used to tell her she would put her in a home when she was a child. Funny thing was that this is what she used to say she would do to me when I was young. I then had to convince her that we are trying to make it that she can look after herself in her own home with a little help from us and the resources available in the community. BUT she has to start trying to help herself as well and not just sit in a chair all day. She has put on 3 stone in 6 months and I had to try to talk her into trying to lose some weight. (all the while I ended up eating my words and everything else I could find) My elder sister lectured me on the phone for a couple of hours. She wants them to get back together even though she agrees he is schizophrenic and hurts mum!! My brother has not even rang mum for nearly a year because he doesn't want to get involved. I need to contact all the places I can to try and get some help for mum.
As I said to my younger sister on Sat my mum is definitely my trigger. I actually only put on this weight after my dad died and then I had to look after her. She is a very difficult woman to be with but of course I have to do the right things for her regardless. The reason that this year I have been able to lose weight is I think because I reduced how much time I spent with her and thus reduced her influence on me. That is over now becasue I cannot leave her to suffer alone now he has gone.
In the middle of all this I had to take my ma-in-law for 3 hrs of tests to have her cataracts removed. She is my oldest and dearest friend. She suffers from Emphysema and has been ill for some time. She may not be able to have the Operation because of this so she was upset. She never complains and I have to force her to let me help her!! My Dh got sick with the flu and was a grumpy **** We ended up having words at the weekend so no support there. Now my DD is sick again as well! Kept her home from school but I have to be at work because we are so busy.
Somehow my short check in has been a long ramble. Thanks for giving me a place to vent. Need to get back to work. Have a good day everyone.
Posted by michelle ::
6:25 pm ::
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
AN UNINSPIRING DAY
Went to tennis and we lost but played Ok. Wind was galeforce again so wasn't enjoyable. Then I went to mums and packed up rest of her DH things. Listened to her go on and on about how she will never take him back. Problem is I have heard that so many times before. Came home and apart from doing washing and cooking tea, and driving E to soccer and back did nothing. Clothes I was going to sort out are still all over the bedroom floor. Could not be bothered. I spent the evening on the computer to keep me away from pantry. When I went to bed I turned the alarm off for my 5.30 training. I just could not be bothered. Had a good talk with E about feeling like I am sick of dieting and just wanted to go to bed with food and a good book. She agreed and begged me to go get some junk food. I resisted and we went home where she assured me the cupboards were bare! I cannot work out my mood swings where I can be so positive one day and so down the next. I think it must be hormonal as I am definitely in early menopause. At least I only ate 18 points and did exercise for 3 hrs but I could have done more. My house is a mess, the garden is so neglected, there is a 20ft tree fallen down last night to be dealt with and I don't want to go to work!!!I think I will follow Sues lead and check out the gym. I need a change. What I really want is for winter to end and the sun to shine. Well I am already late for work so I better get my big butt up and get there or no one will get paid today. Decided to start late so I could do some housework and instead I am on here blogging!! Having a downer and being pathetic. Why is it so hard to stay focused???
Posted by michelle ::
4:27 pm ::
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Monday, August 08, 2005
TENNIS ON MY PEDESTAL
After Margs comment I am trying to work out how I could play tennis from a pedestal. I am very short and being taller would help me wouldn't it.....
Well I got through yesterday and last night though I wanted to eat all night long. Have tennis to look forward today and then off to see mum. Must plan a nice dinner to come home to so I am not tempted to stress eat again. As you can gather guys I am addicted to my tennis. It really is great to do something that has nothing to do with the rest of my life. I battle with the ball, and the wind, and my opponent and it does not affect anything else that is happening except of course for the benefits of all that exercise. It is the only time that work cannot contact me which is bliss in itself. I wish I felt more comfortable with my team mates but hopefully that will come with time. I also wish I was a better player but if I keep at it maybe by my 60's I will be chosen to represent Australia at Wimbledon...(thats my dream Mary)
My DH and DS1 is away, my DD is studying hard, my DS2 hibernates upstairs so feeling a bit lonely at the moment. Goes to show I am not in control because I usually enjoy having a bit of time to myself.
Well tonight I might tackle the wardrobe and try to get rid of some more fat clothes. I also have to do some serious wlaking to catch up to M in the walking Challenge. I desperately want the nice weather to come so that I can get into the garden which has been seriously neglected over winter. Looking out the window at th edreadful wind I almost feel tempted to go back to bed and leave the tennis to the experts.
Posted by michelle ::
3:49 pm ::
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Sunday, August 07, 2005
FALLEN OFF MY PEDESTAL
Ok Having just re-read all your beautiful comments I am now thoroughly ashamed of myself for this weekends binging. I felt so in control and so pleased with myself on Friday. It was a great feeling. But I lost that feeling Sat morning when the phone calls started. I msut have spent about 12 hours on the phone about my mum. Everybody rang to tell me what i should be doing to help her out. Were they doing anything???, No.. just ringing me telling me what to do. I refused to do anything and as that is not normal for me did I cop it. She left him for the weekend and wants him out of her house today. I was expected to go there and remove his belongings. Something I have done on more than one occassion. After the last episode last year I was attacked, abused and then abused 3 weeks later when she decidied to sneak him back in because she "loves him" so I refusd to get involved in the move and everyone is mad at me for it.
What did I do?? ate of course. Sat and ate and worried and ate some more and more... Oh well today is a new day and I went to kick boxing and tennis lesson so 8000 steps and sore muscles already. My Dh and DS1 have gone intestate to work this week so I am going in at lunchtime and will work late. (have to do some things for mum before I go in grrrrr) Plan to eat less and try to get through today getting myself back on track. Have not caught up on your blogs this weekend so look forward to doing that. Just have to be positive and handle these problems the right way without using food for comfort.
Posted by michelle ::
5:38 pm ::
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Thursday, August 04, 2005
15kg!!15kg!!!
Went to weigh in last night and I lost 1.2. So my total loss is 15.5KG.. Was I happy???? I am now 77.1 so of course my goal is to get under the 77 and to lose another 300grams would mean I am half way. What a great feeling at the moment.
Went to weight training this morning after not going for the past 2 weeks. So now I am committed to go to training sessions again. Trainer is going away but we will have someone else for 2 weeks. Think he will be very tough!!
News on my mum last night is that her DH is leaving Monday but will come back each nigt to help look after her!!! He has left before but she always takes him back so who knows what next week will bring.
Will have a bad/stressful day at work today. Some difficult things to deal with..but will it throw me into my old ways of coping.NO WAY.
Something to look forward to though, my office girl is bringing me in homemade lemon meringue pie for a reward for losing 15kg. I will factor it into my points allownace and enjoy every mouthful. Think of me at midday savouring every bite.
Had a late night last night helping DD with her study for a test today. Gee I get to learn a lot of trivia with my kids studies. Menat I have been a bit behind this week with every ones blogs. Sorry guys, she steals my computer!!! Have a great day.
From the new slimmer, motivated, Michelle.
Posted by michelle ::
2:38 pm ::
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Wednesday, August 03, 2005
A MIXED UP DAY
Am having lots of problems with my mum again. Basically as she is not well and is very unhappy, she is having trouble coping. Tues night she was threatening suicide. I took her out yesterday to visit my aunty who is temporarily in a nursing home and has Alzheimers. That and a good talking to I hope made her see that her life is up to her to change what she can and accept what she cannot. Unfortunately she got married 3 years ago to a virtual stranger who has turned out to be an abuseive************ As I used to always look after her it has been very difficult. They fight all the timea but she insists she loves him. After some major blowouts last year, she left him 4 times and then went back to him, I refuse to have anything to do with him. LAst year he even attacked me. Makes life hard for us both but I cannot condone the things he does to her or the way they both treat each other and me.
On a lighter note took myself to Myer for a quick retail therapy session on the way back to work. Saw the most divine top in Myer but it was $100. Tried it on, gorgeous and very me. Decided what the heck I will buy it. Went to register and cashier said "its reduced to $80. Then she turned and asked someone else who said yes now take 50% off. so it cost me $40. New season stock, chocolate brown carigan style top with copper/bronze sequinning on cuffs and front opening. Very elegant and slimmimg. Meant to be mine!!
Wnet to tennis last night but we were literally blown off the court by a rain an dhail storm....very funny but not good for our game. We were winning too!!
Tried to do a kickboxing DVD this morning but only got half way through it this morning. It was exhausting and I was feeling lazy. Now I have the challenge of completing a bit more each day. I haven't been to my personal trainer for 2 weeks and it shows in my effort this morning. I am going to make myself go tomorrow just don't know if I can face getting up at 5.20am
LOL about the"hot" petrol station attendant. He is so "unhot" but a very very nice man with a discerning eye obviously!!! So at the moment he is my favourite man. Have agood day everyone.
Posted by michelle ::
2:14 pm ::
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Monday, August 01, 2005
GOTTA SMILE
Got on the scales this morning and was really cranky because they said I had put on 300g. Now I have only eaten 18 points a day since weigh in so not pleased. Gave myself a good talking to. Hopefully they will be gone next time I hop on scales. Went to tennis with great trepidation. The sun was shining which was good but it was really windy. I hate playing in wind. Anyway we played and I didn't do too bad. We did lose but 1 of my sets went to a tie break and I won the last one. I am now so sore and tired but my leg didn't hurt at all so that is great. I am not in my comfort zone with tennis because I have gone up 4 sections and whereas before I was the No 1 player now I am the 3rd. The games are harder and go for longer.My confidence sags a bit because they are so much better than me, I hate letting them down. But, my tennis will get better!!
On the way home I stopped for petrol. The man at the petrol station said, "what the heck have you been doing to lose so much weight?" WhooHoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who cares what the scales said. Someone noticed!!! I am stoked. Can hardly move I am so tired from fighting with the wind but someone thinks I have lost a lot of weight. That should motivate me through the next few days.
Posted by michelle ::
9:22 pm ::
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