Friday, December 29, 2006
PUTTING THE BRAKES ON
Well xmas is over and yes it was wonderful. Of course I consider it wonderful anytime I have my children together. Since then we had to cancel our small holiday up to our site at the lake. The weather in Melbourne was too dismal to spend cooped up in a caravan and the water in the lake has gone missing with this drought. We kept delaying the day we would go then my sister rang today to say her sons xray on his fractured elbow was still not good and so he is not allowed to join in if we did travel to find some water. Hence they have decided to stay home. Ebs is not too happy about that as she has been watching the weather forecasts and planning on us going next week.
Since xmas day I have managed to do very little. Lots of television, computer games, reading oh and lots of eating. There are a million jobs I could be doing but my body, or really my mind has switched off all motivation. 6 months ago I was extremely fit and focused. Motivation was high and I was very proud of myself. Since then I have simply been going through the motions. Trying to fake it and pretend to myself. Excessive exercise at times followed by slack periods. Waiting for the medical tests and the operation combined with the symptoms which made me feel miserrable and sapped all energy did not help. Of course I tried to challenge myself with the triathalons, and bike riding but part of me was not really 100% behind it and binge eating started in Nov and has continued since. Being unable to train when sick snowballed and led to the eating and then the self doubt and disgust. So of course I now reap the rewards. My clothes don't fit, I am too scared to get on the scales. I am ashamed of myself and the old fat me is saying "I told you so. You will always be fat and out of control." Part of me is telling myself to just go and buy some bigger clothes and to keep the comfort eating up. Then of course I keep telling myself that on Jan 1st I will turn myself around and be motivated again. Yeh right! Just like I would be good after the operation, then I would be good after xmas. Of course I still have a holiday to Qld on Jan 6th so that will be my next excuse!
I am always tired and find sleeping very difficult. When tired I weaken and eat!! What a vicious cycle. No one is making me eat but the only person who can stop me is not doing that either.(me of course)
SO time to put the brakes on. Not on Jan 1st but tomorrow. Out will come the scales and I will then head off to the gym. I am not planning to be perfect because lets face it my body will be screaming for the food it is now used to. Also we have dinner plans. BUT the scales, and the gym is a start. I will have cereal and fruit with home made soup during the day. Then I will have a nice dinner. Although fattening it will be way less than I have been eating. If I can then manage to avoid picking between meals it will be a major improvement. I have to accept the loss of fitness that has been frustrating me over the past few months and just start again with the knowledge that the only way to get fitter is to actually do it. I want to get back into control so I can feel proud of myself again.
I WANT TO START THE NEW YEAR FEELING POSITIVE. AFTERALL I HAVE A LOT TO BE GLAD ABOUT SO I MUST NOT LET MY NEGATIVE ATTITUDE CONTINUE.
Posted by michelle ::
1:00 am ::
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Sunday, December 24, 2006
MERRY XMAS EVERYONE
Talk about a last minute blog. Had to try to beat Santa and wish you all a merry xmas. Life has been a bit hectic this week when I have tried to do all the things I should have done all month. Glad to say I did get my xmas shopping done and presents wrapped. Finished up at work for 2 weeks except for a quick trip each week to do the pays. Bonus was finally cleaning the house this weekend. Have to say it had got very out of hand while I have been sick. Even managed to do some gardening today though that was cut short when the rain came. Rain is desperately needed though so no complaints if garden is unfinished.
Kids have gone to bed and I am looking forward to the morning when pressies are exchanged. Even though my kids are grown up I still love being Santa and coming up with surprises for them. Grandma is here to sleep tonight and we enjoyed watching the carols together while I cooked a few last minute goodies. Tomorrow we are off to my sisters for lunch then back here for dinner. For the first time my DS1 will not be seeing me till dinner time so a bit sad about that but I am sure we will have lots of laughs together in the evening. Went to his house tonight so Grandma could see him as she will be elsewhere at dinner time. Warned him not to be tired out tomorrow night. Like a typical kid he said " as long as my present is a good one I will be happy." This from the boy who told me last week he didn't need anything for xmas.
On Wed we are going off to our caravan for a few days with my sister. There is no water there now and it is near the bushfire area so it will be different than our ususal xmas visit when we normally spend all out time on the boat skiiing.
I better get back to my last xmas chore. I decided to collage a special frame for DS2 and of course left it till tonight!!
Have a wonderful xmas everyone and make sure you give a special hug to those you love and make some memories to last a lifetime. Life really is too short and our babies turn into adults way too quickly. Thankfully they still stay our babies even if they don't think so.
Love from my home to yours... Michelle
Posted by michelle ::
4:57 am ::
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006
GOOD NEWS
Finally have the results from the Dr. NO CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It goes without saying what a relief that is. This has been a very long drawn out period trying not to worry about the what ifs and I am glad that is over before xmas. Maybe now I can fin dsome xmas spirit. I go back to the specialist in a month where we will decide how much time to give the hormone implant to see if it reduces the symptoms of Adenomyosis or whether as the Dr thinks likely I proceeed with a hysterectyomy. Will worry about that next year.
Other good news;
My son received his university marks and despite the gloom and doom he had been predicting he received all High Distinctions. Have to be very pleased with that. This means he has now finished his university degree. Yesterday he finished one of his part-time jobs at a local secondary school. They gave him a nice farewell. He is planning on quitting his other part time job so will be in his words earning "zero dollars" till he commnces in his new job in February. It will be good to see him relaxing for a while.
Making an early start today to get to the shops before work and hopefully get some more presents. Didn't get to gym yesterday. I was sooo busy yesterday that by the time evening came couldn't muster the energy. Did get a lot done at home and made the PO with my christmas xcards so feel some progress was made. Also moved my office at home around and cleaned out some cupboards. Have cleaned pool in preparation for the hot weather predicted for the next 2 days. Very late at night had to watch a scary movie with E. Of course I fell asleep so was little help in preventing her being scared. Not really sure what it was about.
Have a good day everyone.
Posted by michelle ::
12:01 pm ::
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Monday, December 18, 2006
QUICK UPDATE
When I rang for my results last Friday I was informed that the Dr had been off sick for a week since the operation and so had not checked the results. I was informed she would be in today so made a 10am appointment. Very frustrating to have to wait another few days. Then this morning I received a call that she would not be in till 2pm today. GRRRRRRR!!! She is 5 months pregnant and must be having problems so I must not be selfish and I am sure everything will be fine but I do need confirmation.
Had a fun weekend with a day trip to take E and her friends water skiing on Sat, Kylie on Sunday followed by Robbie last night. The concerts were both fantastic. Of course Dh has been being a DH and I think I need to trade him for Robbie, do you think Robbie would be interested??
My eating is out of control but that is my own fault and the choices I am making, not anyone else, although I would liek to blame DH he doesn't really make me use eating as a means for comfort. I do that to myself. My head is starting to get back to the right frame of mind and watching the Biggest Loser Finale was certainly inspirational. I haven't exercised since the last tri and that is not good for me. I am a bit hesitant to get back into it although I am really missing it. I am just so tired and have definitely lost a lot of fitness. Still I know the only way to get it back is to do it so I may try to get to gym tonight. Planning is hampered by the lack of time. I haven't even written a christmas card let alone finished christmas shopping. I have never been this disorganised. Then stupidly I decided to make a scrapbook for my sister to give her on Friday....busy night coming up.
I do have some things to celebrate that I haven't blogged about so the next few posts will include some celebration.
For today, my dear daughter E received an Academic Merit Award for Year 11. (only 2 given out) This was a surprise and meant a lot to her because she works very hard and gets good marks but has always doubted her own ability. There have always been girls who achieved higher marks than her so she has always just missed out on the awards. We went to the Speech night and she had to go up on stage for the presentation. Very proud moment indeed.
I have been reading your blogs but not commenting, becoming a bit of a lurker searching for inspiration. I will try to do better. Also apologies to people who have tried to contact me on MNS. I am shocking and rarely go on and my computer logs me on automatically without me realising. I am going to get my son T to alter it today so that when I am logged on I am aware of it and then would love to catch up with some of you.
Have a good day everyone. I pormise to update tomorrow with my results for those who have been waiting.
Now I need to get back to cleaning the house and must write som ecards to get the mail today.
Posted by michelle ::
3:58 pm ::
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Thursday, December 07, 2006
GLAD T BE HOME
Got home about 8.30 pm last night feeling very relieved the op was over. Seemed to go well. I will get the results next Friday. Thanks for the messages of support everyone. Feeling a bit sore through the night but I am sure taking it easy at home will rectify that.
Posted by michelle ::
11:35 am ::
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Tuesday, December 05, 2006
FINGERS CROSSED
Well after a shitty week with major hassles at work I now have a week off. I faced the hassles head on today and feel better having had a major confrontation with a staff member that was way overdue. Hope things will now be better for both of us.
A week off......Hooray! WHY? because tomorrow I go for my operation. The operation has 2 steps. 1 to treat for adenomyosis and 2 to remove some uterine growths which will then be tested for cancer. This has been hanging over my head for some time now so it will be a big relief to finally have the op and find out some answers.
This has definitely affected my motivation. At times the worry has inspired me; hence the excessive exercise challenges and at others it has left me with a who cares attitude resulting in overeating. In balance though I have done fairly well with admittedly a small weight gain but it could have been much worse. I have tried to push all the "what ifs?" to the back of my head but it really is very scarey. As a very anti-medical intervention/procedures person it has also been difficult.
But life will go on and although I have little choice in what happens to me with this medical problem I do have the choice of how I react to the situation. I will deal with it whatever "IT" is. Of course I dont have to like it and may need to have the occassional or at times even frequent whinge to my blog friends but this is a big help in coping and a release I did not have in the past. Prone to keeping everything private and locked up inside me it has been great to have my special friends out there to listen to my moans and to help celebrate the good times. Thanks everyone! Fingers crossed for me tomorrow Ok??
Posted by michelle ::
11:00 pm ::
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Sunday, December 03, 2006
WARNING- WHINGER AHEAD
Sat night had to miss the Bloggers dinner due to a hens night that began at 4pm and was meant to continue till 4am. Having the tri the next morning I opted out earlier than that. One of the events was pole dancing which I have to say was a lot of fun but ended up pulling a muscle in my upper leg. It was a bit embarrassing at first being the only oldie doing I tas the rest piked out at the last minute, but once I accepted that I had a lot of laughs.
OK Triathalon No 2 yesterday and now I am firmly convinced that I am an idiot for attempting these. With only 3 hours sleep I awoke to rain. That’s it I thought and went back to bed. Got up 15minutes later and dressed quickly and was in the car by 5am for the drive to the event. Got there and my chain had come off the bike. For the first time I put it back on. Then noticed the tyre had gone down a little. Had bought a hand pump in case but it didn’t seem to make any difference. I went to a petrol station and their air machine was broken!! Went to registration and registered, set up my bike and met the girls that had befriended me last time. We went down to the water. First problem it was a 1km track downhill, which of course meant it would be uphill after the swim!! 2nd Problem, there were 1.5metre waves. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3rd problem it had been advertised as 250metre swim but they announced it was 300m.
This time the men were going first so we waited, shivering in the freezing wind until it was our turn. I really did not want to go in the water. The siren went and in we went. Well all I can say is I think I swallowed half the ocean. I did swim more than last time but the waves just kept pushing me in the wrong direction. 2 girls were pulled into boats and the lifesaver asked me a few times was I ok as I lagged behind the others. I swore a lot and mumbled that I did not want to quit. He was lovely and actually paddled beside me till the very end. I cannot stand water in my face and definitely not up my nose and the buoys just kept getting further away after each time I was dumped. He let me touch the 2nd buoy rather than swim around it because even holding onto it I could not get around it as the waves kept pushing me away. Had trouble getting to shore as I was sooo exhausted. Think with only 10 meters to go it took about 4 mins to get to firm ground. No one else in sight of course. Then the 1km track uphill, in bare feet to the bikes. Got there and as you entered from the other end could not find my bike. Someone had kindly knocked it to the ground and left it there. Took off my wet suit and pulled on a singlet and ran to the exit. Of course my helmet was on backwards so was told to change it.
Got on the bike in the mount area and the girl I beat last time was just ahead of me. Tried to catch her but with head win, flattish tyre and exhaustion could not so she stayed the same distance in front of me all the way. Talking to her later I found out she has been doing these for two years and she told me the tyres do hold you up if not pumped up enough. At the half way mark I spotted another girl so peddled as hard as I could to overtake her and then just kept trying as hard as I could so she couldn’t catch me. When it came to dismount I had trouble getting off the bike. I am convinced my legs and become welded into peddling position. Also I was dying to go to the toilet. Must have been all that ocean water wanting to get out. Into transition and tried to run out to catch the girl in front of me, almost did, only to be reminded I still had my helmet on so had to run back to put it back. Then tried to run and the pulled muscle in my leg reminded me that running was bad for you. I walked most of it as quickly as I could and ran short spurts. Couldn’t see the girl I had passed so convinced myself she had quit. Other people kept coming the other way and cutting me off. How rude, couldn’t they see I was competing?? The volunteers were wonderful and encouraging but I felt quite humiliated to be unable to run and being so far behind. Thought they must be thinking “what a loser, she isn’t even trying.” About 100metres before entering the oval I heard someone running and turned to see the girl I had passed running with a friend trying to catch me. Now the panic set in. I ran as hard as I could and the finish line in site my lovely ladies were cheering me on. Somehow I staggered through the finish line ready to collapse. It looked good they said because the 2 girls were running behind me trying to catch me.
The girls had to race off so I collected my bike and went and sat in the line for a leg massage as I was having trouble walking. Also discovered a massive rash that now looks like a burn. I had worn very short shorts for the whole event so I wouldn’t have to change out of bathers. Decided it didn’t matter how bad I looked in short shorts if it helped me be faster in transition. The worst fat rash ever where the wet bathers and my fat legs rubbed together. I can hardly walk today as a result. Geez I haven’t had a fat rash for years!
The masseuse was a tri athlete and told me to enter a tri club and also advised that I should not have gone on the 3 ½ hour bike ride I did last Tuesday with my trainer. Here I thought I was doing good training hard and he said it would have made my legs fatigued
So I came second last and had to run to do it, all my times were way worse than last time but it was a harder course and had the 1km track from swim to transition. I should feel proud that I did it but I don’t. I feel flat and disappointed. I wanted to do better, and I didn’t. I made silly mistakes like with the helmets and an injured leg is just stupid. I should have not done the lifts in the pole dancing. I think I am feeling a bit of a fool because I take on these things that I do not have the ability to do. It is humiliating being so bad. This was the culmination of a shitty few weeks and instead of inspiring me like it was supposed to it just matched the rest of the things in my life lately. I know tomorrow is another day and I need to get a better attitude and fake it till I make it but I am sick of faking it. Think it would be easier to be a big fat blob with low expectations. This week is nothing to look forward to and the thought of Christmas in 3 weeks is nauseating. My house is a mess, work sucks, I haven’t done Christmas shopping or planning, I am eating like a pig and today I can’t even exercise because my leg, and back hurt so much. And I am a big, getting fatter whinger who knows there are way worse problems in life than my own. But still mine are here in my head 24 hours a day.
I HATE THE OCEAN_ ONLY FISH SHOULD TRY TO SWIM IN IT!!!
Posted by michelle ::
3:03 pm ::
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