Sunday, September 24, 2006
ANOTHER WHINGY POST!!!!!!!!!!!
Spent last week being an optmistic, dedictated gym/ exercise junky. The week included, kickboxing class x 2, step class, aerobic class, rebound and fitball class, 90 minute walk, 60 minute walk, 2 sessions on treadmills, 2 weight sessions, 4km run time trial and 2km run just for practice, 2 x weight sessions. From Mon - Friday ate perfectly and believed I was on the downhill road to virgin fat once more. Typed up a 4 week challenge for myself with mini targets and reward points. Started cleaning out the garage for DS Bd party in 2 weeks and spent hours scrapbooking a presnt for my sisters Bd this week. Even fitted in a very productive week at work and arranged to have some time off this week to spend time getting the house ready and enjoying school holidays with E.
Of course what I was really doing was keeping myself too busy to think about the DR visit on Friday. On the way I went and saw my mum to ease my conscience as I am often feeling guilty for being a "bad" daughter.
A one hour wait at the DR because my Dr quit last week and so I was being squeezed in, did not help nor did being asked by the DR " so what are you here for?" And I shouldn't have minded that she was about 70 because that means very experienced right? But I did mind that she kept forgetting that she had to look at all the tests or to go back to the ones that she said "we will come back to that one later." I had to remind her. Now remember I had changed DR to try to establish a good relationship with a female DR that my GF recommended! So having to start again was not a pleasant thought.
Anyway she located my test results and gave me the "good" news that my cholesterol and sugar is perfect, my iron is way too low from all the bleeding and my "tumor" is still small and my ovaries are not involved. I took this as good news. Although I did not like the word tumor I kept on smiling. I also took it as good news the fact that my other problem is now properly diagnosed as Adenomyosis. Possibly caused during the caesers when the muscle is cut and cells from the lining can get inside the muscle. Ok a problem from having my kids, no worries!! Which means the lining of the uterus has grown into the muscle of the uterus, hence explaining the extensive and prolonged bleeding and pains I have been having for a year. Bad news there was that medication is probably out because of other conditions I have had but a small operation should help. So 2 operations required but its Ok because I can get a 2 for 1 offer and have them done by the same surgeon at the same time. No problem!!!!!!!! Of course I have been worrying a little about squeezing this in between 21st BDay parties, work deadlines, trips to Newcastle, my kids exams, Robbie Williams concert and Xmas but as a master juggler it was possibble. And what is an operation afterall I have had plenty and if it can be fixed then go for it.
Then last test results were missing so I had to remind her to find them as they were dealing with an organ I need to keep doing the masses of exercise I do, "the heart!" I also asked her to take my blood pressure but she forgot and by the end of the appointment although I remembered I thought why bother. There was some really good news though about my heart and I need to focus on that because it was pretty major. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with an enlarged heart and referred to a cardiologist and after extensive tests was told to lose weight but nothing much could be done. It has always worried me but I have pushed it aside and never even told Drs I went to in the past 5 years. Well unless she was having trouble reading the results it is now only on the large side of normal. This is rare for the damage to be reversed so I am very fortunate. The cause of the reversal is my weight loss and exercise. Now that is an endorsement for feeling good about what I have achieved on this journey.
The next half an hour was spent trying to get an appointment to see the specialist for my "womens problems" That is in 5 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It isn't urgent because the tumour hasn't grown in the past 5 weeks.
I left the Dr with mixed feelings, news could have been way worse so I have a lot to be thankful for. Spent the afternoon walking with my Gf then home to the normal rush. Received a call from my BIL asking me to ring my sister to help her with some problems. She wouldn't talk to me so spent the night worrying about her, talking to him and researching medical pages on the INET. Ended up very well informed but my mood got way worse and I just wanted to cry. The weekend continued in that vain with me throwing my own pity party. I was home alone for most of it. Boys are working crazy hours and E had things on.
Went to gym both days and tried to keeep busy but in all honesty spent the weekend stewing about the following; Why should I wait 5 weeks to then have to make another appointment for the operation? Will it even happen this year or will I have to wait till next year? This means if the past few months are an indication that I will still have many days and nights with this pain and the problem of bleeding most days. I am so tired, off course from the lack of iron and of course I am worried about the chance that the tumor won't be benign even though I "know" the odds are that it will be. This fear wasn't helped by the fact that my GF in Brisbanes sister was operated on on Thursday and had a full hysterectomy, including parts of her bowel being removed due to a uterine tumour. And she waited 4 months to get into hospital for the operation. I can't share this with my family because I don't want to worry them and here I am being a drama queen in blogland and whinging when there are many people way worse off than me and many problems way bigger than mine in this world. But the waiting is soo hard. Patience is obviously not one of my virtues. It is just hard to stay motivated and optimistic when what I feel like doing is yelling and crying and then curling up in bed with a good book and some chocolate(BIG BLOCKS OF COURSE) for comfort.
So here I am , having avoided talking about this confessing here I am fed up with this body, I am fed up with the medical system with which I have a lifelong history of poor medical experiences. I am sick of being the strong one in the family who can deal with it all and I am sick of my own self pity because more than anything else complaining about life makes me feel a failure as a person. This really is pathetic. SO I will be back when I get my head out of where it is right now or when I think I have something worth offering to and my apology if I haven't got back to you but energy just isn't here at the moment. I do believe that the choice is ours. We can choose to be happy or not and I will make the right choice again- just not today.
Posted by michelle ::
7:18 pm ::
11 comments
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
HI EVERYONE
Had some more tests last week and I am now just waiting for the results to see what will happen from here. This seems to be taking forever and 6 weeks so far seems an eternity.
Some good things that have happened:
- Darwin was magnificent. It was very hot but perfect for early morning and evening walks. We had a wonderful day at Lichfield where we wandered the paths and swam in the swimming holes at the waterfalls. The scenery was breathtaking and it felt great to be alive and fit enough to undertake some of the longer walks. One in particular track deteriorated into a series of rocks going down the cliff. Felt very challenged but also very pleased when I mastered it safely. We were robbed while we were sleeping which was very scary but as I said to my DH nothing important was taken. Lots of money and a camera which is disappointing as we had taken lots of photos. But nothing important like my wedding rings for example. The next night we barricaded the doors with chairs as the poice had informed us that they probably had a key!
-My beautiful daughter turned 17 last week. She didn't enjoy it as much as she should because she was snowed under with SACS and had to study long hours every night. But the boys came over for dinner and we had a laugh, and a certain mother had a bit of a cry when DS2 mentioned moving out of home. I never cry in front of my kids but am obviously a bit emotional at the moment. Am I the only mother who wants her children to stay at home?
-The same DS has been successful in getting a full-time position with a big corporation starting in Feb. He attended many interviews and tests over 6 weeks to get it and I am so pleased for him. It is a proper graduate position where he will be trained and the corporation has a good programme for moving them through various departments. We were worried for a while beacuse someone else offered him a 1 year position which required immediate commencement (and he was tempted to take it and not finish uni as he was worried he might not get a full time job) He was also having interviews for a job in Sydney which I kept advising him against. I told him he needs the support of his friends here. Not being selfish was I? It wasn't really in the area he wanted either. So it has worked out well. Now he just has to knuckle down and finish the course and he can enjoy some time off before he starts the next stage of his life.
Well best get some work done. Have a great week everyone.
Posted by michelle ::
8:12 pm ::
8 comments
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Wednesday, September 13, 2006
PROBLEMS ARE OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH
Hi everyone. So sorry I have been missing from blogland.
Simply snowed under with life, and feeling exhausted and with nothing to offer. The good thing though is that spring is here and many people seem to be finding their motivation again. With all the trials and personal problems in this community it is truly inspirational that so much support is given. Sorry if I have been lacking in giving that support but my own worries have left me quite honestly without anything to say.
The factor over-riding my state of mind has been the medical issues I am dealing with. I have had problems with my heart for about 10 years so knew this would be re-investigated. Didn’t realize I needed to worry about other things as well. Basically I have had some problems for about 10 months with typical womens issues and on telling the Dr was told it was normal menopause. (Again I am given a reason not to trust doctors.)
As I blogged a couple of months ago my GF who is a nurse talked me into changing Drs. This then resulted in a whole battery of tests being ordered. For a person who has made it a policy to stay away from “medical experts” as much as possible these were in themselves a burden.
6 weeks ago the Dr sent me off for some tests for uterine/endometrial cancer. There was a 3 week wait for this and they showed I had endometriosis, (hence the period troubles) and a small growth that needs to be removed. I am having some more tests this week and then will know how involved the surgery needs to be.
As my Dh was going through his own problems and having trouble coping I didn’t share this except with a couple of special friends. This made it both easier and harder to deal with. Being busy meant the times free to really worry were only those hours in the middle of the night. Not talking about it also helped to minimize the actual fears I have been having. Most of the time I am very positive and I am sure the growth will be innocent and easily removed. But of course the fear of worse is there.
Last week my Dh and I went away for a week together in Darwin. At the end of this week I told him about the tests and of course shocked him but now he can share it with me. Now that I have told him I am ready to share this with the rest of you, mainly because I feel guilty that I have not been supportive to the rest of you.
Life is always complex and full of unexpected twists and turns and I truly believe that it is essential to be positive and deal with what comes as best as you can. Unfortunately my need to be private is often a curse. Raised by a mother who is both a hypochondriac and who never stops complaining, I have an irrational fear of becoming like her that often makes me retreat into myself when things get tough.
Unbelievable timing my mother just rang me………………..
I cannot think of anything wise to finish on so I am leaving it here for now……………..
Posted by michelle ::
4:41 am ::
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