feedmysoul

Friday, December 29, 2006

PUTTING THE BRAKES ON

Well xmas is over and yes it was wonderful. Of course I consider it wonderful anytime I have my children together. Since then we had to cancel our small holiday up to our site at the lake. The weather in Melbourne was too dismal to spend cooped up in a caravan and the water in the lake has gone missing with this drought. We kept delaying the day we would go then my sister rang today to say her sons xray on his fractured elbow was still not good and so he is not allowed to join in if we did travel to find some water. Hence they have decided to stay home. Ebs is not too happy about that as she has been watching the weather forecasts and planning on us going next week.

Since xmas day I have managed to do very little. Lots of television, computer games, reading oh and lots of eating. There are a million jobs I could be doing but my body, or really my mind has switched off all motivation. 6 months ago I was extremely fit and focused. Motivation was high and I was very proud of myself. Since then I have simply been going through the motions. Trying to fake it and pretend to myself. Excessive exercise at times followed by slack periods. Waiting for the medical tests and the operation combined with the symptoms which made me feel miserrable and sapped all energy did not help. Of course I tried to challenge myself with the triathalons, and bike riding but part of me was not really 100% behind it and binge eating started in Nov and has continued since. Being unable to train when sick snowballed and led to the eating and then the self doubt and disgust. So of course I now reap the rewards. My clothes don't fit, I am too scared to get on the scales. I am ashamed of myself and the old fat me is saying "I told you so. You will always be fat and out of control." Part of me is telling myself to just go and buy some bigger clothes and to keep the comfort eating up. Then of course I keep telling myself that on Jan 1st I will turn myself around and be motivated again. Yeh right! Just like I would be good after the operation, then I would be good after xmas. Of course I still have a holiday to Qld on Jan 6th so that will be my next excuse!

I am always tired and find sleeping very difficult. When tired I weaken and eat!! What a vicious cycle. No one is making me eat but the only person who can stop me is not doing that either.(me of course)

SO time to put the brakes on. Not on Jan 1st but tomorrow. Out will come the scales and I will then head off to the gym. I am not planning to be perfect because lets face it my body will be screaming for the food it is now used to. Also we have dinner plans. BUT the scales, and the gym is a start. I will have cereal and fruit with home made soup during the day. Then I will have a nice dinner. Although fattening it will be way less than I have been eating. If I can then manage to avoid picking between meals it will be a major improvement. I have to accept the loss of fitness that has been frustrating me over the past few months and just start again with the knowledge that the only way to get fitter is to actually do it. I want to get back into control so I can feel proud of myself again.

I WANT TO START THE NEW YEAR FEELING POSITIVE. AFTERALL I HAVE A LOT TO BE GLAD ABOUT SO I MUST NOT LET MY NEGATIVE ATTITUDE CONTINUE.
Posted by michelle :: 1:00 am :: 11 comments

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