feedmysoul

Sunday, September 24, 2006

ANOTHER WHINGY POST!!!!!!!!!!!

Spent last week being an optmistic, dedictated gym/ exercise junky. The week included, kickboxing class x 2, step class, aerobic class, rebound and fitball class, 90 minute walk, 60 minute walk, 2 sessions on treadmills, 2 weight sessions, 4km run time trial and 2km run just for practice, 2 x weight sessions. From Mon - Friday ate perfectly and believed I was on the downhill road to virgin fat once more. Typed up a 4 week challenge for myself with mini targets and reward points. Started cleaning out the garage for DS Bd party in 2 weeks and spent hours scrapbooking a presnt for my sisters Bd this week. Even fitted in a very productive week at work and arranged to have some time off this week to spend time getting the house ready and enjoying school holidays with E.
Of course what I was really doing was keeping myself too busy to think about the DR visit on Friday. On the way I went and saw my mum to ease my conscience as I am often feeling guilty for being a "bad" daughter.
A one hour wait at the DR because my Dr quit last week and so I was being squeezed in, did not help nor did being asked by the DR " so what are you here for?" And I shouldn't have minded that she was about 70 because that means very experienced right? But I did mind that she kept forgetting that she had to look at all the tests or to go back to the ones that she said "we will come back to that one later." I had to remind her. Now remember I had changed DR to try to establish a good relationship with a female DR that my GF recommended! So having to start again was not a pleasant thought.
Anyway she located my test results and gave me the "good" news that my cholesterol and sugar is perfect, my iron is way too low from all the bleeding and my "tumor" is still small and my ovaries are not involved. I took this as good news. Although I did not like the word tumor I kept on smiling. I also took it as good news the fact that my other problem is now properly diagnosed as Adenomyosis. Possibly caused during the caesers when the muscle is cut and cells from the lining can get inside the muscle. Ok a problem from having my kids, no worries!! Which means the lining of the uterus has grown into the muscle of the uterus, hence explaining the extensive and prolonged bleeding and pains I have been having for a year. Bad news there was that medication is probably out because of other conditions I have had but a small operation should help. So 2 operations required but its Ok because I can get a 2 for 1 offer and have them done by the same surgeon at the same time. No problem!!!!!!!! Of course I have been worrying a little about squeezing this in between 21st BDay parties, work deadlines, trips to Newcastle, my kids exams, Robbie Williams concert and Xmas but as a master juggler it was possibble. And what is an operation afterall I have had plenty and if it can be fixed then go for it.
Then last test results were missing so I had to remind her to find them as they were dealing with an organ I need to keep doing the masses of exercise I do, "the heart!" I also asked her to take my blood pressure but she forgot and by the end of the appointment although I remembered I thought why bother. There was some really good news though about my heart and I need to focus on that because it was pretty major. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with an enlarged heart and referred to a cardiologist and after extensive tests was told to lose weight but nothing much could be done. It has always worried me but I have pushed it aside and never even told Drs I went to in the past 5 years. Well unless she was having trouble reading the results it is now only on the large side of normal. This is rare for the damage to be reversed so I am very fortunate. The cause of the reversal is my weight loss and exercise. Now that is an endorsement for feeling good about what I have achieved on this journey.
The next half an hour was spent trying to get an appointment to see the specialist for my "womens problems" That is in 5 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It isn't urgent because the tumour hasn't grown in the past 5 weeks.
I left the Dr with mixed feelings, news could have been way worse so I have a lot to be thankful for. Spent the afternoon walking with my Gf then home to the normal rush. Received a call from my BIL asking me to ring my sister to help her with some problems. She wouldn't talk to me so spent the night worrying about her, talking to him and researching medical pages on the INET. Ended up very well informed but my mood got way worse and I just wanted to cry. The weekend continued in that vain with me throwing my own pity party. I was home alone for most of it. Boys are working crazy hours and E had things on.
Went to gym both days and tried to keeep busy but in all honesty spent the weekend stewing about the following; Why should I wait 5 weeks to then have to make another appointment for the operation? Will it even happen this year or will I have to wait till next year? This means if the past few months are an indication that I will still have many days and nights with this pain and the problem of bleeding most days. I am so tired, off course from the lack of iron and of course I am worried about the chance that the tumor won't be benign even though I "know" the odds are that it will be. This fear wasn't helped by the fact that my GF in Brisbanes sister was operated on on Thursday and had a full hysterectomy, including parts of her bowel being removed due to a uterine tumour. And she waited 4 months to get into hospital for the operation. I can't share this with my family because I don't want to worry them and here I am being a drama queen in blogland and whinging when there are many people way worse off than me and many problems way bigger than mine in this world. But the waiting is soo hard. Patience is obviously not one of my virtues. It is just hard to stay motivated and optimistic when what I feel like doing is yelling and crying and then curling up in bed with a good book and some chocolate(BIG BLOCKS OF COURSE) for comfort.
So here I am , having avoided talking about this confessing here I am fed up with this body, I am fed up with the medical system with which I have a lifelong history of poor medical experiences. I am sick of being the strong one in the family who can deal with it all and I am sick of my own self pity because more than anything else complaining about life makes me feel a failure as a person. This really is pathetic. SO I will be back when I get my head out of where it is right now or when I think I have something worth offering to and my apology if I haven't got back to you but energy just isn't here at the moment. I do believe that the choice is ours. We can choose to be happy or not and I will make the right choice again- just not today.
Posted by michelle :: 7:18 pm :: 11 comments

Post a Comment

---------------oOo---------------