Sunday, November 20, 2005
STRANGE MELANCHOLY!
This has been such a strange week for me and I am not sure if I can really explain how I have been feeling. I have just been so sad. And there is no real reason for it so I have felt like I am just an ungrateful .............. I was on such a high at the start of the week but it just evaporated with no warning. Little things seem to have just overwhelmed me and I have tried to fight the feeling with little success. I know that this has been made worse by the incredible tiredness I am suffering from. Problems at work have meant I have had to go in at night and over the weekend. Everywhere I turn at work there is just another problem to be dealt with. Not unusual, it happens, but this time part of me wants to say "stuff it' and leave it to someone else. (but there is no-one). The house is a disaster area and I cannot stand it like that. But I cannot be bothered doing what is required to fix it either. The pool chlorinator has broken I think and that just seems like another problem I cannot be bothered dealing with. I have masses of gardening to do but haven't done it. Even though that is something I love doing. The holiday is only 3 weeks ago and I have things to organise but that seems too hard.
I think part of the problem is that in Jan we will have been married 30 years. Sounds good but in actual fact the last 10 years have been very unhappy. But we are still together so that is something to celebrate...right! So I have booked a restaurant for family and a few friends..should be pleased with that...but...it highlights to me the sad times because we should be sooo happy..but we are not. We have some good times but mostly we just exist in this marriage working side by side but not together. My choice is to live with this for many reasons and something I never admit but the 30 year celebrations make me think. Also where are all the friends to invite? My best friends moved interstate a couple of years ago and cannot fly back for the celebration. I miss them so much and often feel so lonely when it is just me and Dh. We had some very bad times a few years ago and lost touch with many friends. Some of it because of DH becoming bitter with life but some because they were not real friends when we needed them. Deciding who to invite reminded me of who we had lost. I have always tried to be a good friend to others so it saddens me that now I feel so alone. If I allow myself to think too much I get so sad at the fact that my children do not need me. They are happy, productive people and I should (and am)be proud of that. But I miss the wonderful times when I was the centre of their world. This actually slams into me sometimes like a real blow to my heart. And then there is my mum.. it is nearly xmas and I carry a lot of guilt over not seeing her for months. This was a nasty cut where she cut us out of her life because of her "evil" DH. It has been easier and less stressful but it is not the relationship that a daughter should have with her mother. Especially one who has spent the last 20 years looking after her mum.
Then blogging... I think Linda got me thinking and I almost joined her. I find I have come to depend so much for support from this wonderful group of "virtual" friends. You are the reason I have lost so much weight, the reason I pretend everything is alright even to myself. But why and how long will it last? Have I been completely honest with you? I receive these lovely comments but I think that I do not deserve them. I have been successful with losing weight but it is really hard. I regularly take the wrong track and then have to scramble to get back on the right one. Would you be my friends if you met me? Will you disappear into cyber space like Linda may do? What sort of hopeless person needs to make friends in this way? What am I giving you back? Do you get sick of me sabotaging my diet? Do I come across as a whinger...lots of self doubt. I have never been one to open up and complain to people yet I am doing it on the Internet??
So yes I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment and not sure what to do. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and find the energy to throw myself into everything again. I like to feel I am in control, I need to feel that way. On the weight front I have been eating non-stop and probably gained about 5kg. I gave the scales to my son today and so I will not be ruled by them this week. Yes I did sabotage myself and have done so often when I have had a successful period. Deep down inside I think I do not deserve to be thin, it is afterall so easy to snuggle up with a good book and a block of chocolate and hide from your problems be they real or imagined.
Posted by michelle ::
1:11 am ::
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