feedmysoul

SHOULD I BLOG??

2008-08-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ok I have not blogged for about 15 months for many reasons. Have had some enquiries/emails which I rudely ignored. Again lots of reasons but I am sorry. But I have been reading all my regular buddies. Should I blog again? Would anyone be interested? I miss you guys.

I'M BACK!!!!!!

2007-04-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Sory I have been missing in action. A combination of things but the main one being a big job at work requiring me there all day and then in the evenings a swell. Ends Tuesday but most of my work is finished so hopefully I can relax over Easter and catch up. I have had to stay away from the computer for anything personal as I have really been fighting the clock each day to get everything done. Have missed you all so be patient and I will catch up on your news and then share some of mine with you.
THANKYOU for all the birthday wishes. Made me feel very special I am now officially an old chook of 50. We did cram in some celebrating that week which also included DS1 fiancees 21st and my DS2 graduation from Uni, as well as a quick trip to Tasmania for this job for DH and some trips to Mulwala for me to do some work on another job..
Have to get back to work now but I will be back over Easter and will share some photos and birthday details with you all. Thanks for being patient..........and have a great easter.

DOING A MUNNELITA!!!!

2007-03-09T11:48:00.000-08:00

Look what was waiting when I got home form work. Sometimes Dh does the nicest things.

Have exercised this week like a madwoman and the scales responded appropriately. The personal training session was intense and fantastic. Thought I would collapse but loved it. The past few nights though I have been extremely hungry but did sensible things like went for a run instead of eating. I was very proud of myself.

Then when I got home yesterday I caved. Just one little thing which then turned into another, and on and on. I am getting a cold, have been having dizzy spells for a few dyas, have broken a tooth so off to dentist today and I am scared of dentists, spent 3 hours with E doing a job application, my house is a mess and I am sick of cleaning it, T broke a new ornament I had just bought!!!! Have a 21st dinner and a 50th to organise and not in the mood....... EXCUSES!!!! SHIT I am soo stupid. Like Munnelita I had excuses, I deserved it after the bad week, after training sooo hard, I can work it off tomorrow etc. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course there was a trigger and I knew it and still gave in. Mum went into hospital Thursday and I agonised over whether to visit her all night. Yestreday I raced out of work and to the hospital, stopping to buy flowers on the way. Got there to see her DH was with her. Told the nurse I couldn't go in and gave her the flowers to give to mum. No way could I be in the same room with that man!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is pathetic.

Instead of going back to work I went and did some retail therapy and resisted all food temptations. WHY then did I give in to the food at home that wasn't even nice???

Watched a show on Oprah I had taped and some of the words really hit home. The problems with my mum are easy to answer and rationalise but the healing is very difficult. Ecah time another problem occurs it is like a little murder to my soul. Sounds dramatic but it is exactly how it feels. Each hurt brings back the hurts from the past when I wasn't mothered or loved. Always thought I could cope and it had made me strong but that strength just keeps vanishing.

So yes just feel sooo sad and ate my way through it.

Today is another day though and I have 4 days to reach my own personal goal for the big BDAY! So I am going for a run. Hopefully it burns a few calories and rattles my head back into the mindspace it should be in.

UPDATE; PENANCE 1- Just ran 6km withot stopping. I have never ran more than 4km without stopping and only done that a few times. It helped to have a running partner to talk to and take my mind off the running. And she egged me on to go for 6km. WHOOOHOOOO

Now off to do Penance 2. more later.... Ok just got back and had my haircut. Have been trying to grow it and it always looks a mess with no style so had it cut short again.

Penance 3:- Now I am going to an Abs class. Don't like these so this will definitely be a penance. Also will fill the time until my dentist appointment. Only other option is housework and although I have made a start on that it wouldn't be enough to stop me focusing on dentist drills, and smells and pain..........

OK so dentist was as expected, Had major tooth repair carried out. Actually didn't hurt she is so good but still hated it. Have 2 more visits for other teeth to go. Then final penance, went for a 10km bike ride. Wanted to do more but combination of 33 degree heat, feeling my back burning even though I had slapped on sunscreen and cars bipping as they passed me made me alter the course to a 10km one.

Surely that is now enough punishment to make up for last night??

FUNRUN PHOTO

2007-03-08T02:48:00.000-08:00

Great to have E come on the run with me. I told her to go at her own pace so of course she took off and left me behind. On the second lap though I was surprised to catch up with her and her friend. Only because they were walking!! I did the run faster than a year ago by about 10 minutes BUT I walked more of it than I ran and my times were slower than more recent runs. Think I had over-trained because all my body was so sore so I just did interval run/walking. . I was disappointed but still I did it. I had been running more in training during the weeek and last night went for a run and had no trouble maintaining my pace for 30 minutes. Hard to figure. i do dislike running but want to get better at it. Thought on Moday about giving up on it but as I said ran last night and again tonight so guess I am not quitting.

Have my first personal training session at the gym in the morning. Quite worried about how I will go. Just another challenge. This week I have been to cycling class, body combat, circuit class, tennis and 2 runs. Oh yeh we beat the 2nd top team at tennis by 1 game. Definitely need to consider career possibilities on the pro tennis circuit me thinks.

More problems with the M word today and the weekend will probably bring further developments so need to stay focused on eating well and exercising. Figure if I don't take the first plunge downhill then I can stay out of the hole.

another week gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

THE BIRTHDAY BOY

MY BEAUTIFUL E

THE HAPPY ENGAGED COUPLE

Damien Leith was absolutely fantatsic. he can really sing, sent shivers down my spine! His own music is really good too. we had a great girlies night out. Have exercised my butt off thi sweek, much better way to cope with stress and hence I feel much better.

SUN: 35 km biking, 20 mins treadmill

MON: 45 min cycle class, 45 mins weight session, 30 mins run

TUE: 2 hours tennis, 10km bike ride

WED: 45 mins weight session, 20min streadmill, 50 min boxing circuit

THU: 60 mins circuit training, 20 mins run

FRI: 45 mins weight session, 10km bike ride, 60mins Move Your Body session

SAT: rest day

SUN: will be doing the 8km funrun at the tan.

Jodie and her beautiful son came over for lunch. It was great to catch up again.

Had a lovely night out Friday night and enjoyed a big meal. Felt the exercise during the day would balance it. Have to say it did feel good to eat out awithout counting points, and enjoy but couldn't do it everyday. It was my nephews birthday and the family had fun getting together and never mentioning the "M" word.

Last night DH and I went to see Rocky. I was really inspired by seeing him achieve his dreams against the odds of being old and some of the lines in the movie even hit home. He said something like " it is not how hard you can hit but how long you can take the hits and keep on getting up for more."

Came home and go t E t o download the Rocky song to put on my ipod for the run today.

Have a great day everyone....

Completed run, alive and well. Will update with pics later. Feeling tired but proud.

I AM A DAG!!!!!

2007-02-26T22:15:00.000-08:00

Restless night last night worrying about M and even resorted to a chocolate fix in the early hours!!!!!!!! when will I learn. Didn't go for my early morning run because I was cranky. Did however play 2 hours tennis. Played against the top team and we lost but I won 2 out of my 3 sets so that was OK! Then I went for a 10km bike ride as penance for my chocolate fix. Followed by grocery shopping, and reading blogs the afternoon disappeared. I am about to leave to pick up E from work then out for a "Date" with my DH. Except he won't be there. I bought tickets to see Damien Leith from IDOL at the casino tonight as a surprise. Daggy I know but I love his voice. Problem- my DH went to NSW at 3am to work till tomorrow. What timing!! So my tennis partner is coming instead.
It will be good I am sure and a nice break from everything else.

If you haven't heard BRi is celebrating 4 weeks no smoking- a major achievement. I am sooo proud of her. Just wish I could drag her along with me tonight for some girly fun.

Is anyone running in the wecanwalkitout run this Sunday at the TAN?? Would love to meet up if anyone is.

2007-02-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

BIKE RIDE PHOTOS

2007-02-24T17:56:00.000-08:00

Blogger is being a pain so I am trying to put photos here.

A MIXED WEEKEND

2007-02-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the support everyone. I went to the police on Friday and they are going to speak to the DH. Interesting now he is trying to change the story to it being a female who made the calls. Police were interested in that as they have it on record that he said it was 2 young males. Have kept having calls from mums family and friends advising what I should do. I keep telling them I am doing nothing! This is it for me. Mum claims to my elder sister that she didn't know he was going to the police. BS of course, but in any case don't care. She brought this scum into our lives and we have had 4 years of hell with him and with her. The past 6 weeks have been a never ending nightmare, ( one of 8 periods in the 4 years when she has left him and then gone back) She nearly ruined the engagement party by choosing that day to have a fight with her carer and return to him again. Of course at least that day I finally let loose and told her she needed psychiatric help! That offended her and she told me to get out of her life so now I have. Of course she has now told people how we have mistreated her but I know in my head everyone who knows her knows the truth. Still this is more pain. The head and the heart react differently. I am feeling heart broken. This is my mum and she is an invalid and I lie awake at night picturing her living in a pigsty, crying and miserable. I won't give in though.
Yesterday I tried to have a nap as I had not slept all week, actuallyfor about 3 weeks now. As I was drifting back I thought I heard a knock at the door. Of course I worried it might be trouble but ignored it. I fell asleep and had another vivid terrifying nightmare where he and his schizo family came into my bedroom and attacked me. And my friends and family kept giving me advice and telling me what to do but not helping. In the end I grabbed my Dh and my sisters Dh and told them to order them out of my house. They did and the crowd turned into a screaming frenzy with thugs attacking us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course then I woke up with a blinding headache. Shows though how scared I am of the situation.

My Dh took me to the movies last night which was great escapism. Then tried to get an early night only to be woken by a call form DS2 asking me to pick him up. Did this only to find he couldn't tell me exactly how to find the house and as I had no glasses with me I couldn't find it in the Melways. Drove around the estate for 25 mins then stumbled on the street. Came home at 12.30 wide awake and couldn't sleep. Ended up in front of the Tv and then got ready at 5.30 for the big bike ride.

The girl that had asked me to do it had backed out but my son who couldn't do it due to work changed his country job to yesterday and came with me. That was wonderful. As you know I only started riding in Oct last year for the triathalons but I have been going to cycle classes for the past 3 weeks. I was worried whether I could get over the bridge without stopping, especially as my anke doesn't allow me to stand up and pedal on the hills. BUT I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAY. Thought I would never make it. Let me tell you that is one giant hill but I was determined and although I slowed right down near the top I didn't stop. My son waited at the top for me and we raced down at 40km/hr. Felt like a kid again. I loved it. Towards the end I struggled with a few hills but again managed to NOT stop. Last 3kms I sprinted home and completed the 30km course in 1hr 50 minutes. WE passed hundreds of people. Not bad for an almost 50 year old used to be fat/unfit woman. My son said he was impressed with me!!! Thank goodness for the cycle classes at the gym. AND of course the best part, I did it with my son. AND he said he will do it again next year. Best thing that has happened around here for a while (except for the engagement of course.)

HOW LOW CAN THINGS GET??

2007-02-22T01:49:00.000-08:00

Up at 5.30 for circuit class, popped a leg of lamb in the oven because my son was coming over for dinner tonight. Decided to burn rubbish in the fire and dropped my glasses into the flames. Rescued them but now they are marked and smell. Should have known it was going to be a bad day. Class was good, then home to take E to school and race off towork. Had meetings in the afternoon elsewhere. Scrambled around all day, just made it back to pick up E from school and then home.
Mail waiting on the table. Opened it and it was a 6 page abusive letter from my mums husband, accusing me of all sorts of things. Then saw message light flashing on the phone. It was the police wanting me to call them. Rang to be informed that the DH had been in and reported that my mum had been receiving threatening phone calls (threatening to kill him) from my house and it was a male voice so must be my sons!! They got a new phone number 2 weeks ago when she moved back to live with him. I don't even have the number! The policeman asked me to talk to my sons. Understandably I was very upset about this accusation. Rang Telstra to ask them to check the phone records. I know no calls came from here. My sons are not like that but in all honesty feel very little towards their nana anyway. No passion for her or her situation as she lost their love many years ago. But I wanted proof. Records checked and no calls made! Tried ringing police back but no answer. Rang my sister and cried my eyes out. Rang my other sister who told me she already knew about the accusation as he told someone else who rang her. BUT she didn't ring and tell me! Other calls from mums old friends to find they had been told the same story. How low can these people go!! MY mum has hurt me so much my entire life and I have always gone back before for more because she is my mum. BUT to attack my sons. NOT ON. And to bring the police into our lives......I am so fortunate to have kids that have never been in trouble but to the police I am just another mother perhaps blind to her kids wrongs!!
I cannot express how low I feel. I have done everything for my mum for most of my life. She is weak and stupid and not a nice person but I have still loved her and worried about her and tried to help her. No more. I apologise to those who have mothers who may be sick or deceased. It is because of you that I have tried not to blog much about my mum. Some very bad things have happened this year and for the 3 years before since she married this maniac. I kept tryingto help her even though I took breaks where I said no more.

But I am in a black place right now. I cannot stop crying. What will be next? This man is schizophrenic and the worst possible influence on my mum. I am scared what will happen next. At this moment I feel intense hatred for my mum but then feel guilt for that. Anyone who knows me knows how straight I am, a bore really and I expect and get good behaviour from my kids. Mum knows how good they are. How can she bring this trash behaviour into our lives? Guess she knew the one thing that would really bring me down. Well she has finally succeeded at that.
The roast never got eaten, E is crying, poor Grandma is upset and I don't know what to do.............

JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND LET THE WORLD MOVE ON.

SUMMER CYCLE CHALLENGE

2007-02-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

Ok needing a good challenge to keep me on track I entered the 30km bike ride this Sunday. It is through the city and over the West Gate Bridge. Of course I only started riding in October last year and as I have been sick haven't done much practice but I am sure my willpower will get me through. My 2 triathalons showed me I can ride 8km so 30 isn't much more is it??
I have been going to Spin classes at the gym and hope that has built up some strength in my legs. The only bit I am worried about is going over the bridge. If I have to walk the bike so be it. Anyone interested in sponsoring the ride can do so with this link. Do not feel obligated. I have a friend with MS so hence my decision to get sponsors.
http://register.melbournesummercycle.org.au/?michellekaye

My son was going to do it with me but now has to work. Pity. Today at cycle class I borrowed the instructors Cd and will put it on my ipod to inspire me. Just hope it isn't too hot.

SO SAD!!!!

2007-02-20T02:15:00.000-08:00

Well what a week it has been. Feeling so confident and sure of success and sooo pleased with my weight loss and exercise I then threw the feeling away. Like flicking a switch. I didn't even have the excuse that I didn't know what I was doing because I did, and did it anyway. Started off with Valentines Day which was unbearably sad. My dad died in my arms on valentines day 15 years ago and his name was Valentine. Thing was it snuck up on me this year and I didn't prepare myself for the intense emotion. Coupled with the garbage that has been going on for 6 weeks with my mum, other family problems and a lot of stress and pressure I was overwhelmed. I had been fighting the things that were going on by staying totally in control. However having reached the milestone of the engagement party I then lost my focus. I have also been sick and this time responded by eating more. Once I lost control I then fell into a hole and told myself I didn't care. Being sick meant reduced exercise which then helped me to feel worse and made eating things I shouldn't even more tempting. These are not excuses but what I let happen.

This is nothing new for me and is typical of this journey I have been on. I am disappointed I let this happen and wish I had recognised the triggers and made the choices needed to stay focused. I know my life will always have obstacles and I need to handle them better. I have been doing this more, hence the 30kg weight loss(LESS THAN THAT AFTER THIS WEEK), but I need to be consistent. I think I sabotage myself but not sure why!!

I feel I am back out of the hole I was in but angry at myself for digging myself in. More time wasted and more damage to my self esteem. No one else to blame, though it would be nice if there was. Wouldn't be true though, the choices were mine.

Hi I am back, I think!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-12T02:27:00.000-08:00

Big apologies to everyone for not keeping in touch. Have had a lot of things going on in my life this year and many of them have not been good. To the poeple who emailed me an even bigger thankyou. It did help to know you cared and I felt really guilty that I could not reciprocate and email you back. Have tried on occassion to catch up and comment on blogs but had very limited success. In regards to my own lack of posting, time and energy have been seriously absent and haven't felt like whinging about things or even finding the words to explain what has been happening.
On the good news front though finally I have reacted to the stress and pain in my life by increasing the exercise (not new) and controlling my eating, (this is the new me) As a result the scales have gone way down and I am below my pre xmas weight, Have reached the 30kg weight loss mark and feel optimistic I can get lower. The exercise has been my sanity saver. I joined a new gym and limped in there on crutches at the opening. The classes have been great and very challenging. As tired as I am and as limited in time I had the sense to know that I feel better after exercising so have squeezed it in. My foot is healing and I have started running again. It still hurts but a bit less each day so progress is good.
More great news was that my DS1 got engaged and we gave him an engagement party on Sat night. It was a wonderful evening with 150 guests, ( of course it was a worry catering but also something I enjoy doing) I was very proud of him and had a happy tear in my eye when he made his speech and openly declared his growing love for and commitment to his fiance. You may remember that her mother died in November so it has been an emotional time. She is a wonderful girl and they are soooooooo happy together. Well balances out the problems in my life.
Don't know if I have posted this before but this quote sums up many things at the moment.." a family is like spilled milk and you just have to keep mopping it up..." and they just keep spilling......I am fortunate that I am not referring to my children with this quote!! I have no problem cleaning up any mess they may make and have been fortunate they don't make many. The adults (and no matter how old my kids get to me they are still my kids so I exclude them from this comment )in my life however just keep on making messes and expecting me to fix it. Then again that is what I have always done so it is my fault as well.

Promise to catch up with you all really soon, stay well and happy. Those with children hold them close and cherish your time with them because they grow up way too quickly.

NO CRUTCHES!!!

2007-01-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

Well what a long week it has been with limited mobility and not being able to drive a car. Pain has been fairly intense but everyday there has been some improvment so helped to try to stay positive. Physio gave me permission to ditch the crutches yesterday. Even though I am now only able to limp around that is still a vast step forward. Went to work on Friday and that was so difficult with the crutches and stairs. Had to go to get all the information required from the mens brains before they left this week for interstate jobs.
On Saturday we had the wedding to attend. Unfortunately for the bridal party it poured rain as the bride arrived. The ceremony was being held outside, on a hill so manourverability was difficult. Part way through the ceremony they stopped and moved into a cellar barn and started again. The reception was elsewhere and was lovely but I found it difficult when the music began and I couldn't dance. I certainly have a new appreciation for people with permanent disabilities. The bride looked absolutely stunning and the rain was quickly forgotten as her and her partner danced up a storm of their own.
Sunday was a difficult day as I am moving my mum out of her house. Had many hassles with her during the week an dshe certainly didn't see that being on crutches should limit my ability to jump when she wanted something. Never once did she ask how I was but she did demand I do things for her! This relocation of mum requires feats that seriously stretch our resources both time wise and enrgy an demotionally and will still be required for weeks/ months. At least my sister and her Dh (who have both been amazing)and my long lost brother came and we worked all day again and seem to be making progress. Had to take things to my mum( the others won't go near her except for my BIL) at her new place and she again carried on and threatened suicide. At which point I stormed out, well actually limped out and dissoleved in tears in the car. She is certainly worse than any naughty child but to be honest she always has been. So although I have a million things to do for her I will do them but I will not go near her this week. The urge to slap her was just too great! I cannot believe how much I let her manipulate me and twist my insides with her bad behaviour. She has got herself into an enormous mess, including financially and of course just expects me to bail her out. I would love to let her sort it out herself but she is not capable and my conscience won't let me. She is my mum after all.
At work today alone except thank goodness for one man who has been left behind to work in the factory. This means I do not have to go up and downstairs for deliveries which was my main worry. Have a mountain of paperwork but with no one else there I turned up the music and just started wading through trying to be methodical and not panic. Also meant I could leave the premises to visit clients and even sneak home early with the phones diverted to my mobile. Thank goodness for modern technology. I am exhausted from all my injuries and I guess from carrying my weight around. On the eating front have hardly eaten for a week and the scales have rewarded me by going down. No exercise has been very frustrating so I started upper body workouts with dumbbells at home on Sat. Cannot lift the weights I was before the fall but I am sure that will come back. At the moment it still hurts and I am scared to walk but I am sure each day will be able to more easily. Actually got hungry today which is the first time since the fall so my body is definitely getting back to normal.
Have been reading blogs, sorry if I haven't commented. I find I can only sit at computer for a short time as my back and the rest of me aches. To all of you thanks for your support and kep onkeeping on. Remember this year we are being successful...each and everyone of us.

I HATE MEN

2007-01-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

Ok with out going into detail today I hate men!! Very strong word which I try never to use so just between us OK! I am going to a wedding today and I wish I could drive so I could tell my men to go away....
We have to leave for the wedding at 12.30, but I am sure the men will be late as they have 2 jobs to fix this morning.. Then after the service a 3 1/2 hr wait till the reception. Think it makes the wedding all about the photos! DH is driving the wedding car so will be traipsing around Melb for photo shoots. DS and his Gf and I will probably come home before the reception at 6. Plan to have a vegie bake then that I cooked last night. I will have the food at the wedding but hopefully small portions. I don't want to gain weight this weekend as I have been so good at my eating this week while unable to exercise. It has been very hard. Last night I got my weights out and did 20 minutes upper body work. My arms feel very tired and the weights are less than what I am used to! Still it is a start. I am now going to see the physio and hopefully be told to lose the crutches... Quite worried though as I am now walking a bit on my foot but my foot seems turned inwards. Sure it will just need some exercises to get me walking properly, but does hurt a lot. Have all my bandages off the rest of me so at least only my feet will look silly with one high heel and one leg taped up!
Better go.. have a good weekend everyone.

SLOW PROGRESS BUT STILL PROGRESS

2007-01-17T12:26:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
Well at least my haed is clearer as the week has progressed and I stopped taking the meds. On the ankle front each day is a bit better. It is still swollen up like a balloon and the pressure is painful but I am now able to step on it and the physio is allowing me to walk on it with the crutches for support. Physio has strapped it tightly and I have to ice it every 2 hours and do stretching exercise hourly. My back and arms are hurting from all that weight I have been lifting...my own body. Have had work sent home and will go in tomorrow morning to do job costings before the men depart for interstate. I know I will now be able to get up the stairs so that is a relief. Won't be fun but is doable even if I go up on my bum.
Spent most of Monday and Tuesday being a vegetable on the couch but yesterday had an important date with Craig Harper. For those who don't know he is a very prestigious personal trainer. J and I had booked in for a boot camp next month. Last week it was cancelled due to insufficient numbers. J was quite upset as she had been hoping this camp would kickstart her motivation so she wrote and politely complained. I was very disappointed as well. He rang and offered a free counselling session. So she came and got me and we went to see him. 3 SHORT FLIGHTS OF STEPS LATER!!! I must have looked very committed going up them on crutches, (or desperate) He is very inspirational, mainly becaue he himself has lost so much weight. He is very blunt and honest and pushes the line that it is all up to the individual what they put in their mouth and how much effrot they choose to make with their body. Reinforced my plan to suucceed to goal this year.
Unexpectedly he issued us a 28 day challenge to push our limits for 28 days and then go see him again! So added incentive for me. He weighed us and will reweigh us in 28 days so have to do the right thing. Of course I intended to anyway!!! It is astruggle to eat well while so bored and frustrated with no exercise but so far I have done it. I actually have only eaten about 18 points a day to compensate for my inactivity.
The rest of yesterday was non stop activity. E drove me from place to place and I hobbled along to get some business taken care of. DS was playing BBall last night and DD wanted to show off her driving so off we went. Of course she can't mange to park near the entrance so another effort. Back to his house for a catch up then some mor errands and finally arrived home at 8.30 where work was waiting for me. Definitely wasn't restful and I am sore from it today so will try to rest up this morning before E has to drive me to meeting sthis afternoon.
But another day down being positive and staying on track. Hope you are all doing the same.

SOME GOALS FOR THIS WEEK

2007-01-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

1. Not resort to comfort eating
2. Not gain weight
3. Do something constructive during this enforced rest, maybe scrapbooking.
4. Start an upper body weights program as soon as my hand is better.
5. Attend a motivational session that has been booked with Craig Harper even if I have to climb up the stairs on my bum.
6. Not get depressed with all the things I am missing out on. eg today Australian Open Tennis tickets, an annual event with my sister.

Have booked an appointment with a physio tomorrow so hope that will help. E and I are going to try to get me in pool for a swim later. It is 39 here so too hot to stay out of pool.
So far have eaten perfectly. Must say it helps that so much effort is required to get to pantry! Also can't drive so can't go to shops for chocolate or take away. Trying to stay positive and focused.
My sons Gf has covered phones for me at work as she is on afternoon shift with her own job. Tonight some work will be sent home for me to do here as it is payroll day tomorrow. Dh can cover office tomorrow (whether he wants to or not)and hopefully I can get a lift there Thursday or Friday and will be able to navigate staircase to get some real work done. I need to find out that I can cope with the access to the offices before everyone leaves to work interstate on Sun.
I guess as long as I am making progress each day then I can stay focused.
On Sun everyone leaves to work interstate so I need to know I can use stairs to cope next week.

MY SISTER DEMANDED PHOTOS AS EVIDENCE!!

2007-01-15T02:03:00.000-08:00

CATCHING UP AND BUSTED UP!!

2007-01-15T00:49:00.000-08:00

Had a good holiday catching up with my friend Mary then on with Dh to relax at Maroochydore. Weather turned bad and Dh was unable to move around a lot due to his bad back but it was good to take a breather from all that was going on at home. I continued my exercise plan and ran and swam everyday. It was great running the couch25km program in such beautiful surroundings, then jumping immediately into the pool to try to improve my swimming for the triathalon this Sunday. Arrived home Thursday evening and it was great to see the kids though not so great to race off to work the next morning. (after I met my friend for a couch25km session and convinced her to keep doing it with me)
Had a million pieces of paperwork needing my attention and a tight deadline as I had to leave early to meet mums DH at the house to make sure he is leaving and get the keys. Then stayed there cleaning till late. Met my sister the next morning at 8am and we continued packing and scrubbing and moving thing to mums new place. We made ourselves stop at 12.30 am. Still plenty to do but did achieve a lot. Picture a house that has been filled with junk and not cleaned for 2 years and that is what we are dealing with. Also renovation projects have been started but never completed so the house is in no state to sell so unsure what we will do. For the 2 days I hardly ate as my appetite was absent in the conditions I was working in and the stress and business kept me from thinking about food. The scales at least were kinder on Sunday morning.

Determined not to miss exercise Jenni and E and I went early to the 1000 steps. They seemed harder than last time and showed how unfit I am since the operation. Came down them feeling pleased with myself though and took off when reaching the path trying to run the whole way to the carpark. I have done this every time and sometimes I can do it all. Kept thinking of the tri and how I needed to push myself to run when exhausted. But of course clutz that I am and as I have been determined to succeed this year and have mapped out my exercise plan, something had to happen to spoil it. A rock jumped out of the ground and sent me flying through the air. Some men were walking behind me and I am sure they were thinking what an idiot I was to be running downhill but they were gracious and helped me up and even made me a walking stick . Jenni and E turned up to find me hobbling along the path with both knees, my elbow and hand bleeding profusely, and having trouble walking on my right foot. We limped to the car where I took my shoe off and my ankles were twice the size. Luckily Jenni was driving. We got to her house and switched cars. Again luckily I started giving E driving lessons the week before we left so with 5 lessons she drove me to the Dr. He said he thought it was broken and to go this morning for x-rays as nothing was open yesterday except the hospital. Didn't want E to drive me into a major town and have to park etc so we went home via the chemist. The dr had told us to get crutches and some strong pain killers and not to walk on it. Did this and E did well each time trying to park when she never has. Took the pain killers and then every time I had to go to the toilet I broke out into a sweat and went dizzy and had to fight the urge to pass out. Teribble day. When evening came and Dh came home from work I moved to the couch and started to get a clearer head. The pain was intense though and I spent the night worrying about how I will cope with a broken foot. My officegirl started her holidays today as she is getting married on Sat. Then next Sunday our entire staff go interstate to work and I will be running the office. All offices are upstairs! Then of course the tri, my exercise which I crave, the wedding on Sat, still major things needed to do at my mums house and so on. Talk about almost panicking. This morning E drove me to get the x-rays and after parking and walking on crutches inside we find a sign that they are still on holidays. DRrrrrrr! So to the Drs luckily only a short walk to ask where to go. Fortunately a new place has opened so we drove there. E had to do her first parallell park, talk about having to learn quickly. X-rays taken then back to the Dr to be told the great news that it is not broken. What a relief!! He said it is badly damaged and only time will tell but for now probably a week with no walking then 4-6 weeks to full recovery. Unfortunately the Dr said it can take longer to heal than a break. But I am trying to be optimistic and just take one day at a time thankful for any improvement. Having said that we all know that within a few days I will be cranky as anything when I cannot exercise. At the moment I am getting a good cardio workout using the crutches. With my right foot and hand injured along with both knees and it seems endless aches all over it is quite a workout just going to the toilet and having a bath was a whole different story.
Hopefully it will be much better tomorrow and at least my sons Gf has been able to work for me today and tomorrow as her own job starts at 3.30pm . Will have to think about what to do for the rest of the week when she is on day shift. Will probably get work sent home and the phones diverted as at least the men are still there during the day if there are deliveries. As E said yestreday at least life isn't boring. tHough update at the moment while I am trying to type this between calls from people about my mum, E is stressed and exhausted and I am sure sick of me being incapacitated already.
Hopefully I will be able to catch up on all your blogs but may not comment for a while as it hurts to sit up in the chair.

AND A NEW YEAR BEGINS AND MORE SPILT MILK

2007-01-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

Have exercised everyday and eaten under points until last night when I succumbed to the heat and exhaustion and ate some of the treats I had bought for the kids when I will be away. Weighed myself today and scales have started going down which is good. Of course tomorrow I leave for Qld and that may send them up again but I intend to at least not binge and I will exercise everyday.
A brief whinge here to get this off my chest.
Tuesday my mother and her DH had a big fight and have seperated. (for about the 7th time in the 3 years she has been married.) Big scene and she has fled to live with someone else. A good friend has an empty small granny flat because her mum died last year. So we are moving mum into this. On Tuesday night my mum threatened to kill herself so that was very upsetting. She didn't mean it but says things to get attention. Still it was very upsetting. Little sleep this week worrying about and planning everything that has to be done. Thought of cancelling the trip to Qld but decided last night to still go ahead with it. I have taken her to a counsellor this morning and at the moment she is lapping up the attention from everyone with no thought to how her words and actions impact on others.
So I did give in to the stress last night but one night in a week like this is not a bad reaction.

"A FAMILY CAN BE LIKE AN OIL SPILL AND YOU HAVE TO KEEP ON CLEANING IT UP."

A NEW YEAR A NEW RESOLVE

2007-01-01T00:18:00.000-08:00

Although lots of wonderful things happened last year on the weight aspect I totally blew it over the past few months and I am now heavier than I have been in15 months. I am disgusted with myself about this. Yes I can make excuses about being ill and stressed but they are still excuses and not acceptable. For most of the year I was far too complacent about my weight, I guess in part because being this weight was so much better than I had been for the past 15 years. So I allowed my weight to go up and down for much of the year and till the end when I just gave up and gave in and became an eating machine. Of course having to stop exercising when sick made my weight gain happen way too easily and the great feeling I had been getting from exercise disappeared.

Well the slump is over. A New Year, a new resolve and I intend to get to goal this year. I have written up a weekly exercise plan to get me back into the exercise mode. It will be difficult because I am relatively unfit now but I have learnt that my body and my mind need me to exercise. So that is the focus for this month. I cannot run anymore which is very disappointing and I want to do all the funruns I did last year and beat my own times. Won't happen if I don't get serious so here goes. Of course finding the time each day is the difficult part but I am going to try. Our new years eve celebrations were cancelled beacuse my poor DH hurt his back while we were doing a tip run and he is now unable to walk. I spent the time instead (except when I was waiting on him, or driving kids) joining challenges, taking weights and measurements, and photos, and writing up plans and goals.

Did my 30 minutes fitball circuit this morning and an 8km bike ride tonight. Have eaten to plan, and cooked tomorrow nights dinner so when I come home from work there will be no excuse.

Next ot my desk I have placed the butter picture with a weight written on the back of each (great visual stimulus) which end with me being my lowest weight in 15 years. That is my goal for my birthday in March. Will be difficult but if I don't make it it won't be for lack of trying.

MINI GOALS will be placed in side bar later and this time I intend to achieve them.

Happy New year Everyone. Lets make this a successful one for us all in which many of our dreams come true.

PUTTING THE BRAKES ON

2006-12-29T01:00:00.000-08:00

Well xmas is over and yes it was wonderful. Of course I consider it wonderful anytime I have my children together. Since then we had to cancel our small holiday up to our site at the lake. The weather in Melbourne was too dismal to spend cooped up in a caravan and the water in the lake has gone missing with this drought. We kept delaying the day we would go then my sister rang today to say her sons xray on his fractured elbow was still not good and so he is not allowed to join in if we did travel to find some water. Hence they have decided to stay home. Ebs is not too happy about that as she has been watching the weather forecasts and planning on us going next week.

Since xmas day I have managed to do very little. Lots of television, computer games, reading oh and lots of eating. There are a million jobs I could be doing but my body, or really my mind has switched off all motivation. 6 months ago I was extremely fit and focused. Motivation was high and I was very proud of myself. Since then I have simply been going through the motions. Trying to fake it and pretend to myself. Excessive exercise at times followed by slack periods. Waiting for the medical tests and the operation combined with the symptoms which made me feel miserrable and sapped all energy did not help. Of course I tried to challenge myself with the triathalons, and bike riding but part of me was not really 100% behind it and binge eating started in Nov and has continued since. Being unable to train when sick snowballed and led to the eating and then the self doubt and disgust. So of course I now reap the rewards. My clothes don't fit, I am too scared to get on the scales. I am ashamed of myself and the old fat me is saying "I told you so. You will always be fat and out of control." Part of me is telling myself to just go and buy some bigger clothes and to keep the comfort eating up. Then of course I keep telling myself that on Jan 1st I will turn myself around and be motivated again. Yeh right! Just like I would be good after the operation, then I would be good after xmas. Of course I still have a holiday to Qld on Jan 6th so that will be my next excuse!

I am always tired and find sleeping very difficult. When tired I weaken and eat!! What a vicious cycle. No one is making me eat but the only person who can stop me is not doing that either.(me of course)

SO time to put the brakes on. Not on Jan 1st but tomorrow. Out will come the scales and I will then head off to the gym. I am not planning to be perfect because lets face it my body will be screaming for the food it is now used to. Also we have dinner plans. BUT the scales, and the gym is a start. I will have cereal and fruit with home made soup during the day. Then I will have a nice dinner. Although fattening it will be way less than I have been eating. If I can then manage to avoid picking between meals it will be a major improvement. I have to accept the loss of fitness that has been frustrating me over the past few months and just start again with the knowledge that the only way to get fitter is to actually do it. I want to get back into control so I can feel proud of myself again.

I WANT TO START THE NEW YEAR FEELING POSITIVE. AFTERALL I HAVE A LOT TO BE GLAD ABOUT SO I MUST NOT LET MY NEGATIVE ATTITUDE CONTINUE.

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE

2006-12-24T04:57:00.000-08:00

Talk about a last minute blog. Had to try to beat Santa and wish you all a merry xmas. Life has been a bit hectic this week when I have tried to do all the things I should have done all month. Glad to say I did get my xmas shopping done and presents wrapped. Finished up at work for 2 weeks except for a quick trip each week to do the pays. Bonus was finally cleaning the house this weekend. Have to say it had got very out of hand while I have been sick. Even managed to do some gardening today though that was cut short when the rain came. Rain is desperately needed though so no complaints if garden is unfinished.
Kids have gone to bed and I am looking forward to the morning when pressies are exchanged. Even though my kids are grown up I still love being Santa and coming up with surprises for them. Grandma is here to sleep tonight and we enjoyed watching the carols together while I cooked a few last minute goodies. Tomorrow we are off to my sisters for lunch then back here for dinner. For the first time my DS1 will not be seeing me till dinner time so a bit sad about that but I am sure we will have lots of laughs together in the evening. Went to his house tonight so Grandma could see him as she will be elsewhere at dinner time. Warned him not to be tired out tomorrow night. Like a typical kid he said " as long as my present is a good one I will be happy." This from the boy who told me last week he didn't need anything for xmas.
On Wed we are going off to our caravan for a few days with my sister. There is no water there now and it is near the bushfire area so it will be different than our ususal xmas visit when we normally spend all out time on the boat skiiing.
I better get back to my last xmas chore. I decided to collage a special frame for DS2 and of course left it till tonight!!

Have a wonderful xmas everyone and make sure you give a special hug to those you love and make some memories to last a lifetime. Life really is too short and our babies turn into adults way too quickly. Thankfully they still stay our babies even if they don't think so.

Love from my home to yours... Michelle

GOOD NEWS

2006-12-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

Finally have the results from the Dr. NO CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It goes without saying what a relief that is. This has been a very long drawn out period trying not to worry about the what ifs and I am glad that is over before xmas. Maybe now I can fin dsome xmas spirit. I go back to the specialist in a month where we will decide how much time to give the hormone implant to see if it reduces the symptoms of Adenomyosis or whether as the Dr thinks likely I proceeed with a hysterectyomy. Will worry about that next year.

Other good news;
My son received his university marks and despite the gloom and doom he had been predicting he received all High Distinctions. Have to be very pleased with that. This means he has now finished his university degree. Yesterday he finished one of his part-time jobs at a local secondary school. They gave him a nice farewell. He is planning on quitting his other part time job so will be in his words earning "zero dollars" till he commnces in his new job in February. It will be good to see him relaxing for a while.

Making an early start today to get to the shops before work and hopefully get some more presents. Didn't get to gym yesterday. I was sooo busy yesterday that by the time evening came couldn't muster the energy. Did get a lot done at home and made the PO with my christmas xcards so feel some progress was made. Also moved my office at home around and cleaned out some cupboards. Have cleaned pool in preparation for the hot weather predicted for the next 2 days. Very late at night had to watch a scary movie with E. Of course I fell asleep so was little help in preventing her being scared. Not really sure what it was about.
Have a good day everyone.

QUICK UPDATE

2006-12-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

When I rang for my results last Friday I was informed that the Dr had been off sick for a week since the operation and so had not checked the results. I was informed she would be in today so made a 10am appointment. Very frustrating to have to wait another few days. Then this morning I received a call that she would not be in till 2pm today. GRRRRRRR!!! She is 5 months pregnant and must be having problems so I must not be selfish and I am sure everything will be fine but I do need confirmation.

Had a fun weekend with a day trip to take E and her friends water skiing on Sat, Kylie on Sunday followed by Robbie last night. The concerts were both fantastic. Of course Dh has been being a DH and I think I need to trade him for Robbie, do you think Robbie would be interested??

My eating is out of control but that is my own fault and the choices I am making, not anyone else, although I would liek to blame DH he doesn't really make me use eating as a means for comfort. I do that to myself. My head is starting to get back to the right frame of mind and watching the Biggest Loser Finale was certainly inspirational. I haven't exercised since the last tri and that is not good for me. I am a bit hesitant to get back into it although I am really missing it. I am just so tired and have definitely lost a lot of fitness. Still I know the only way to get it back is to do it so I may try to get to gym tonight. Planning is hampered by the lack of time. I haven't even written a christmas card let alone finished christmas shopping. I have never been this disorganised. Then stupidly I decided to make a scrapbook for my sister to give her on Friday....busy night coming up.
I do have some things to celebrate that I haven't blogged about so the next few posts will include some celebration.
For today, my dear daughter E received an Academic Merit Award for Year 11. (only 2 given out) This was a surprise and meant a lot to her because she works very hard and gets good marks but has always doubted her own ability. There have always been girls who achieved higher marks than her so she has always just missed out on the awards. We went to the Speech night and she had to go up on stage for the presentation. Very proud moment indeed.
I have been reading your blogs but not commenting, becoming a bit of a lurker searching for inspiration. I will try to do better. Also apologies to people who have tried to contact me on MNS. I am shocking and rarely go on and my computer logs me on automatically without me realising. I am going to get my son T to alter it today so that when I am logged on I am aware of it and then would love to catch up with some of you.

Have a good day everyone. I pormise to update tomorrow with my results for those who have been waiting.
Now I need to get back to cleaning the house and must write som ecards to get the mail today.

GLAD T BE HOME

2006-12-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

Got home about 8.30 pm last night feeling very relieved the op was over. Seemed to go well. I will get the results next Friday. Thanks for the messages of support everyone. Feeling a bit sore through the night but I am sure taking it easy at home will rectify that.

FINGERS CROSSED

2006-12-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

Well after a shitty week with major hassles at work I now have a week off. I faced the hassles head on today and feel better having had a major confrontation with a staff member that was way overdue. Hope things will now be better for both of us.
A week off......Hooray! WHY? because tomorrow I go for my operation. The operation has 2 steps. 1 to treat for adenomyosis and 2 to remove some uterine growths which will then be tested for cancer. This has been hanging over my head for some time now so it will be a big relief to finally have the op and find out some answers.
This has definitely affected my motivation. At times the worry has inspired me; hence the excessive exercise challenges and at others it has left me with a who cares attitude resulting in overeating. In balance though I have done fairly well with admittedly a small weight gain but it could have been much worse. I have tried to push all the "what ifs?" to the back of my head but it really is very scarey. As a very anti-medical intervention/procedures person it has also been difficult.
But life will go on and although I have little choice in what happens to me with this medical problem I do have the choice of how I react to the situation. I will deal with it whatever "IT" is. Of course I dont have to like it and may need to have the occassional or at times even frequent whinge to my blog friends but this is a big help in coping and a release I did not have in the past. Prone to keeping everything private and locked up inside me it has been great to have my special friends out there to listen to my moans and to help celebrate the good times. Thanks everyone! Fingers crossed for me tomorrow Ok??

WARNING- WHINGER AHEAD

2006-12-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

Sat night had to miss the Bloggers dinner due to a hens night that began at 4pm and was meant to continue till 4am. Having the tri the next morning I opted out earlier than that. One of the events was pole dancing which I have to say was a lot of fun but ended up pulling a muscle in my upper leg.  It was a bit embarrassing at first being the only oldie doing I tas the rest piked out at the last minute, but once I accepted that I had a lot of laughs.
OK Triathalon No 2 yesterday and now I am firmly convinced that I am an idiot for attempting these.  With only 3 hours sleep I awoke to rain. That’s it I thought and went back to bed. Got up 15minutes later and dressed quickly and was in the car by 5am for the drive to the event. Got there and my chain had come off the bike. For the first time I put it back on. Then noticed the tyre had gone down a little. Had bought a hand pump in case but it didn’t seem to make any difference. I went to a petrol station and their air machine was broken!! Went to registration and registered, set up my bike and met the girls that had befriended me last time. We went down to the water. First problem it was a 1km track downhill, which of course meant it would be uphill after the swim!! 2nd Problem, there were 1.5metre waves. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3rd problem it had been advertised as 250metre swim but they announced it was 300m.
This time the men were going first so we waited, shivering in the freezing wind until it was our turn. I really did not want to go in the water. The siren went and in we went. Well all I can say is I think I swallowed half the ocean. I did swim more than last time but the waves just kept pushing me in the wrong direction. 2 girls were pulled into boats and the lifesaver asked me a few times was I ok as I lagged behind the others. I swore a lot and mumbled that I did not want to quit. He was lovely and actually paddled beside me till the very end. I cannot stand water in my face and definitely not up my nose and the buoys just kept getting  further away after each time I was dumped. He let me touch the 2nd buoy rather than swim around it because even holding onto it I could not get around it as the waves kept pushing me away. Had trouble getting to shore as I was sooo exhausted. Think with only 10 meters to go it took about 4 mins to get to firm ground. No one else in sight of course. Then the 1km track uphill, in bare feet to the bikes. Got there and as you entered from the other end could not find my bike. Someone had kindly knocked it to the ground and left it there. Took off my wet suit and pulled on a singlet and ran to the exit. Of course my helmet was on backwards so was told to change it.
Got on the bike in the mount area and the girl I beat last time was just ahead of me. Tried to catch her but with head win, flattish tyre and exhaustion could not so she stayed the same distance in front of me all the way. Talking to her later I found out she has been doing these for two years and she told me the tyres do hold you up if not pumped up enough. At the half way mark I spotted another girl so peddled as hard as I could to overtake her and then just kept trying as hard as I could so she couldn’t catch me. When it came to dismount I had trouble getting off the bike. I am convinced my legs and become welded into peddling position.  Also I was dying to go to the toilet. Must have been all that ocean water wanting to get out. Into transition and tried to run out to catch the girl in front of me, almost did, only to be reminded I still had my helmet on so had to run back to put it back. Then tried to run and the pulled muscle in my leg reminded me that running was bad for you. I walked most of it as quickly as I could and ran short spurts. Couldn’t see the girl I had passed so convinced myself she had quit.  Other people kept coming the other way and cutting me off. How rude, couldn’t they see I was competing?? The volunteers were wonderful and encouraging but I felt quite humiliated to be unable to run and being so far behind. Thought they must be thinking “what a loser, she isn’t even trying.” About 100metres before entering the oval I heard someone running and turned to see the girl I had passed running with a friend trying to catch me. Now the panic set in. I ran as hard as I could and the finish line in site my lovely ladies were cheering me on. Somehow I staggered through the finish line ready to collapse. It looked good they said because the 2 girls were running behind me trying to catch me.
The girls had to race off so I collected my bike and went and sat in the line for a leg massage as I was having trouble walking. Also discovered a massive rash that now looks like a burn. I had worn very short shorts for the whole event so I wouldn’t have to change out of bathers. Decided it didn’t matter how bad I looked in short shorts if it helped me be faster in transition. The worst fat rash ever where the wet bathers and my fat legs rubbed together. I can hardly walk today as a result. Geez I haven’t had a fat rash for years!
The masseuse was a tri athlete and told me to enter a tri club and also advised that I should not have gone on the 3 ½ hour bike ride I did last Tuesday with my trainer. Here I thought I was doing good training hard and he said it would have made my legs fatigued
So I came second last and had to run to do it, all my times were way worse than last time but it was a harder course and had the 1km track from swim to transition. I should feel proud that I did it but I don’t. I feel flat and disappointed. I wanted to do better, and I didn’t. I made silly mistakes like with the helmets and an injured leg is just stupid. I should have not done the lifts in the pole dancing. I think I am feeling a bit of a fool because I take on these things that I do not have the ability to do. It is humiliating being so bad. This was the culmination of a shitty few weeks and instead of inspiring me like it was supposed to it just matched the rest of the things in my life lately. I know tomorrow is another day and I need to get a better attitude and fake it till I make it but I am sick of faking it. Think it would be easier to be a big fat blob with low expectations. This week is nothing to look forward to and the thought of Christmas in 3 weeks is nauseating. My house is a mess, work sucks, I haven’t done Christmas shopping or planning, I am eating like a pig and today I can’t even exercise because my leg, and back  hurt so much. And I am a big, getting fatter whinger who knows there are way worse problems in life than my own. But still mine are here in my head 24 hours a day.
I HATE THE OCEAN_ ONLY FISH SHOULD TRY TO SWIM IN IT!!!

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE SHORT ONE?

2006-11-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

2006-11-23T15:13:00.000-08:00

Where did the past 10 days go??????????????
The trip to Bendigo was enjoyable and the most exciting part of course was meeting up with Ails and Beck and cute little Bradman. Could have easily spent all day with them instead of just a couple of hours. Wish I could come to the xmas bloggers meet but I have a hens night that goes from 4pm till the early hours of the morning and with events such as pole dancing and a strip show not sure how I could sneak away. Will still try!! I am taking my own car rather than join teh bus which goes from place to place.- partly because of the bloggers meet an dpartly because I will not want tostay at the hens night all ight. Afterall my next tri is the following morning.
Speaking of the tri I am almost as scared as last time. It is only the swim which is the problem. But I went to the pool this week and will do so hopefully a few more times so just have to keep in mind that slow and steady will still get me there. I am going today to do the bike leg of the course to see if there are hills. I find it helps to know what lies ahead. It is abeautiful day here in Mlebourne so the bike ride should be exhilirating. One of the women I met at the last tri is joining me.
My son finished uni this week hopefully forever if he passed all his exams. He is such a stresshead that although he gets honours he claims he may fail! The trains were cancelled for one of his exams and he had to drive to the exam and after 90 minutes panicking in peak hour traffic held up by roadworks he got there 1 minute before the exam started. He is worried that he may have done badly. E has her last 2 exams today. what a reduction in the stress in this house that will make. I can stop studying now, thank goodness because my patience was wearing thin when it came to being asked at 10pm to make up practice tests. I know being an ex teacher has been advantageous to my kids but I am way over it at the moment. They can now both have 2 months off with no study and I can get access to my home office and compute again. YAY!!!!!!!!!!
Tennis also finished this week. We one the semi final by a final deciding tie break. Very close. We lost the final on Tuesday to a far stronger team. We had to play in 36 degree heat so it was quite an exhausting event. I will really miss my tennis over the next few months but am hoping to use the time to catch up with friends.

MY RESULTS

2006-11-13T22:19:00.000-08:00

Forgot to give my official results.
Here they are;

SWIM 12.05.65
TRANSITION IN BIKE AREA 2.50
CYCLE 30.42.38
transition two UNKNOWN
RUN 14.49.09

TOTAL TIME 1.00.30 ONE HOUR AND 30 SECONDS

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things she fears to do, provided she keeps doing them until she gets a record of successful experiences behind her.

SOME PHOTOS TO SHARE

2006-11-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

I FINISHED AND I AM PROUD OF IT!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been on to report back and thanks for the encouragement. I have not been able to get near a computer. Exam time here and my kids are stressing out. E took over my home office and although I have planned to wait each night till she has finished as that has been around 11.30pm I was off sleeping off the exercise.
I left home at 5.20am Sunday afetr 2 hours sleep. All night I had worried about whether or not to do it knowing I had not trained. AT 3am it started raining just to add another factor to the terror equation. I drove there and luckily the 3 women I had met the day before were there and greeted me warmly. Set up my bike in the transition area, had my numbers written on and went down to check out the water. Luckily the water was calm. Put on my wet suit and we went in to "warm up" the water was cold but the temp didn't really bother me. There were a lot of first timers so very nervous comments being made which was reassuring. The siren went off and the "young" girls went in. Then 2 minutes later our siren went off and in we went! OMG it was nearly impossible to swim. Everyone thrashing and splashing, a current. Without even getting to the first turn some off us started to panic. I stopped swimming and treaded water and thought about it!! Then took off doing breast stroke. My arms wouldn't move. Slowly got around the turn and the pack of women left me behind. I did back stroke, then tried freestyle then breast stroke. Then the men were coming. I was so frightened. Not of drwoning because my wetsuit has a vest but of not being able to do it. I laid on my back for a while and men passed me,(Hitting and pushing). The lifesaver asked me if I was Ok and I said yes then swam a bit more. Then another lifesaver on a paddle board suggested I rest leaning on his board while the men went past. So I did. It looked so far to the next turn so again I talked to myself; "Did I want to be a quitter and be towed in??" "Maybe." I was really having trouble. But I started again and somehow got around the bouy and to shore. I was so relieved to touch ground but figured I was now definitely last of the womens group as I was surrounded by men. I found out later theer were 2 women behind me)I struggled up the beach and some nice people cheered me on. In transition I had to get changed and then headed out on the bike. I went the wrong way at first, having trouble breathing so my brain was not functioning. The nice ladies team called out to me and I walked my bike to the mounting area. I started riding and it was difficult. Head wind and so discouraged by having trouble swimming. Definitely felt like an idiot as male bikers raced past me. But I talked myself through it and reminded myself my goal was to finish!! But gradually I started enjoying the ride and enjoying what I was doing. 2 hills down I spied a women in front of me. OMG my chance not to be last! I got serious and passed her and then loved the ride even more. And she was only about 26. At the turn I knew I was going to make this as the ride back has a long down hill stretch in the middle and just 1 big hill. I rode back trying to master the gears on the bike and said hello to every volunteer official. They must have thought I was stupid. But I was enjoying it and was thankful they were volunteering so it could run. Also if I am going to be so slow at least I would be nice about it! With the end coming up I got a big confused because we had been instructed that if we didn't dismount in time we would be disqualified. Stopped too soon and stupidly asked if I was allowed to ride through the red light. Of course the roads were barricaded off but as I said my brain was not working. Went into transition and de-biked then started the run, well actually the walk as I was exhausted. I ran some small sections but as no other runners were near me not really motivated as I couldn't catch anyone. I saw the woman coming last riding her bike still so called out some encouragement. By the time I got near the finish line the next event was on and the men were coming out of the water. The official tried to tell me to go where they were going but I called out, "finish line" and he let me turn left. I ran through the finish line , of course and saw the clock said 1 hour 2mins. Stood there gasping for breath and a nice official took of my timing anklet as I certainly could not bend down to do it. They also gave me a spot prize. Guess they felt sorry for me. The other team were waiting for me and congratulated me . I was sooo happy. Had to wait half an hour to get back into the transition area to get our bikes. I didn't have a jacket as mine was there so I was freezing. Chris lent me one of hers. How nice. They asked me to join them for breakfast at the pub which blew me away. Took advantage of the offer, which is unlike me as I am shy, and went to the pub. They had been discussing things and asked me to join them to train for the next one. They plan to still do it as a team but change which leg each one did. I am hoping they email me and the training happens, will have to wait and see. Drove home and rang some people to boast of my athletic success and then once home collapsed into bed where I napped or watched DVDS all day. When the results came on line I eagerly checked them. Can you believe the woman who was at least 9 minutes behind me beat me on the official list because her swim timing said she did the swim in 14 seconds. Obviously an error and should have been at least 10 minutes. So I am last again. BUT and a big but, many of the women who "beat me" only did one leg each so I am stoked. In every leg there were people, men and women who did slower than me. It is just the combined totals obviously from these teams that beat me. Of course I am also way slower at every leg than the majority of competitors but I knew that before I did it , but I was not the slowest at any one leg. Went to kickboxing at 6am Mpnday, of course wearing my triathalon t-shirt to boast, went to gym this morning then had tennis today. Loving exercise at the moment. Of course I am just as terrifed or maybe even more so of the next one in 3 weeks. The swim is the problem. I definitely have to train hard and get some swimming in every week. But that is tomorrows problem.

At the moment I am basking in the fact that "I AM AN ATHLETE." Of course this is said with tongue in cheek but still I am proud of myself. Who would have thought a non swimming, non bike riding, once obese, older woman could finish a triathalon..............It is true dare to dream and one can achieve amazing things.

FIRST I WAS AFRAID NOW I AM PETRIFIED!!

2006-11-11T03:35:00.000-08:00

Ok at the last fun run one of the fliers they were giving out was for triathalons. Somewhere lurking in my mind for some time has been the desire to do this. I tried to talk my trainer or one of my training friends into trying but they wouldn't be in it. I jumped on the net and investigated and decided to have a go. There is a series of 4 mini triathalons, one a month starting tomorrow. I thought this was just the challenge I needed to get refocused and perhaps push my body the extra to lose some weight and get fitter. Of course being me there were some obstacles to overcome, being:

I cannot swim more than about 50 metres
I am afraid of swimming in the ocean unless I am wearing a vest and using a snorkle to distract me
I haven't ridden a bike for about 15 years except for 1 short attempt last year. But so what I thought, I can learn.
So out came my daughters old mountain bike and 4 weeks ago I started riding. I couldn't walk after each attempt but gradually increased the distance of my rides. Then the last few weeks things went downhill and I haven't been training at all. Last week I kept procrastinating and setting up for myself reasons why I shouldn't do it. When I went to see the specialist I went for a ride afterwards on the bike leg of the course. I told myself if the hills were not too bad and I could ride it without stopping I would enter. Well although I was very slow I managed it. Of course men riding expensive racing bikes whizzed past me so that was a sign of my riding ability but I did do it. I went to the bike shop and purchased a gel seat then got one of the boys at work to put it on for me. Then the hospital visit and Jills death and my motivation disappeared again. I had planned to go to the swimming pool last weekend and start training for the water leg but didn't bother with all that was happening.
So this week I have thought about it a lot. I want to do it so that I can see what it is like, master my fear and set a time to beat for the next one. I even timed my operation so it is after the next one! The Dr offered the day before but E would have been still at school and I would have been last on the surgeons list so coupled with the triathalon date I chose the following week.

I am motivated by the desire to do something I would never have even dreamed of before I turn 50 next year and by the desire that if, when I have the operation things are bad then I intend to fight it with every part of my body and soul. Sounds melodramatic but the fear of cancer is in my mind and I am determined that I will not give into it. So this is symbolic for me.

However this week I have lost sleep worrying about how I can possibly do this when I have not been training for it. On Thursday night at the spur of the moment I drove to the local pool determined to try to swim the distance. Well I couldn't even do half without stopping. I cannot believe how exhausting it is to swim especially when I have no technique. Tonight I went for another ride because P took pity on me and lent me her bike which is a better one. Thought I better make sure I coudl get on and off it. Well I fell off it and have grazed knees and bruised hands. Turns out when I got home and got Dh to check out the bike I had turned the wheel 360 and the brake cable was twisted. I AM AN IDIOT!! Cannot swim, have trouble riding a bike but I am doing a triathalon!

This afternoon I went over to register. Before I left I was alomost ill worrying about it. I went with much trepidition and picked up my race pack and checked out where the transition areas were. I met some other woman who are doing it for the first time but they are doing 1 leg each. Why didn't I think of that? And one of them is an ex state swimmer and another has been running and riding for years. (and they were scared) Although even if I had I am sure I would have still elected to do it all. These women are going to look out for me in the morning so it will be good to have a friendly face. All the men are working on country jobs and E hasn't been well. As it is exam time she needs to stay in bed not come out at 5.30 am to cheer me on.

But I am terrified of the swim leg. We have been advised that the serious competitors push and shove and even hit in the water!! I will be wearing my wetsuit which has a buoyancy vest as that is the only way I can be safe. I am sure I will look a dag as it is not a triathalon suit but it will stop me drowning. Although I know I can ride the distance and run the distance I know that may not be the case after the swim exhausts me.

My goal is simple- to finish the event, even if I am last! Afterall someone has to come last. (Actually I really don't want to come last so hope there is some little old lady even slower than me.)
Now I am too nervous to go to bed. Think of me in the morning and try not to laugh at the vision.....

SAD, SAD, SAD

2006-11-10T02:27:00.000-08:00

The funeral was beautiful but oh so heart wrenching. Found myself in tears before it even started. When I got there it just hit me how hard it was on Saturday. I feel both privileged to have shared this experience but also haunted by it. All 5 children got up and talked about their mum and that was difficult for them to do but made the funeral very real. This is such a tragedy for these children to lose both their mum and dad. P is blessed to have my DS as support. He has been wonderful to her. It is heart breaking though to see them having to cope with this though. Later this afetrnoon I went over to their house an dwe had a talk and a laugh. P had bought a new outfit for the funeral with Ds help. A white party dress with red shoes and a red shrug. No sad black for this girl. WAY TO GO!!!! She then said she didn't want to take it off as she felt special dressed up for her mum. On Thursdaay night we are going together to see a chick flick. I untend to make sure I do things with her so she still has a sort of mum.

AN UPDATE

2006-11-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

-Had a wonderful time visiting Briony in Newcastle for her birthday. She looked amazing and her and her Dh are very talented musically so it was a pleasure to sit and be entertained by them. I felt like a welcome member of her family and really appreciate how welcoming both Briony and her husband were. The trip provided a relaxing beak from my normal routine and it was great fun sharing laughter with a girlfriend. Really wished we lived closer together because outr bonds are strong and we both just seem to "get" each other even with our many differences.
I went for a walk everyday I was away. It is amazing how now my body demands that I do soem exercise. I love going to new places and walking around soaking up what is going on around me.

Once home had some problems with my mother and some hassles at work. Hence the lack of posts. Combined with worrying about my own health problems, motivation has been seriously up and down. Have been maintaining the exercise most days however food consumption is out of control. On the medical front I now have a date for surgery so that is progress.

Any problems I may have been having this year pale in comparison to what has happened this past few days. My DS1 GF's mother has had cancer for 3 years. It was actually diagnosed the same week her husband collapsed and died in front of them all including my DS. She has bravely battled this disease and expectations have been that she would live for another few years. However 4 weeks ago she went into hospital after collapsing at work. This has happened a few times this year so no one really expected her to stay there. I went to visit her on Friday and was shattered to see how downhill she had gone since I last saw her. I spent a few hours with her and talked about our kids, reassuring her that they are happy and in love. Rang my DS who told me the family had been summoned later that day to have a meeting with the DRs. Diagnosis was that they would not be able to do anything else to help her. The next morning P (DS GF) rang me in tears saying she thought her mum was going to die. I talked to her for sometime and then my Dh dropped me in the city to be with her. She had driven in to the city and we didn't want her driving home. I am glad she reached out to me. DS was tied up on a job and if he came in there would still be the problem of her car. That day was a long and harrowing one and extremely heartbreaking. This poor woman has been through so much and here she was bravely farewelling her children and giving them guidance for their future. P alternated between coping magnificently, wiping her mothers brow, holding her hand etc and falling apart in private in my arms in the special lounge provided by the hospital for these times. As the day progressed and we talked and cried P began to accept what was happening. By 9.30 that night though she had been there 12 hrs refusing to eat. I had taken her for a walk in the park which did her a lot of good but the nurse suggested she should go home as they were sure nothing would happen that night. Her uncle arrived planning to sleep the night so we left and I drove her home to DS. I had suggested that he stay home and get a few hours sleep as he might be neede during the night! He had spent a lot of time there this week and was exhausted from both that, work which is very busy and his band having multiple gigs. Unfortunately the hospital is about 70 minutes away. We got home and I made her eat some toast then left. 10 minutes from their house I got the call from DS that Jill had died. I turned around and collected them , then the other sister and we went back to the hospital. The entire family came (5 children.) I tried to stay in the lounge so as not to intrude but eventually P asked for me to come in. Jill was at peace and looked beautiful. She was a courageous woman and a wonderful mother who helped her children face the future without both parents. I helped them to pack up her things and then they asked me to remove their mothers jewellery for them. It was a long sad drive home after that.
Life can be very unfair and the lesson to be learnt is to make the most of the time we have. I hope that if this happens to me I will be just as caring and brave as Jill. She truly exemplified what the word mother means.

8 km in under an hour.

2006-10-18T00:48:00.000-07:00

EXERCISE PLUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CRAZY WOMAN I AM

2006-10-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

As usual had a busy week at work and things with the kids but also squeezed in a lot of exercise. I find I am driven by the need to stay focused on something I can control and exercise is it. Takes my mind off worrying about my health and makes me feel good at the end. On Friday I went to a circuit running training session which absolutely killed- 50 minutes of non stop activity that left me hardly able to walk when I woke up Sat. On Sat morning though we had our running trials. So I went and did them in a slower time than normal by about 1 1/2 minutes. Strange thing is though I have lost the ability to run much. I am having trouble breathing when I run so do a lot of interval running/ walking. I used to be able to run 2km non stop but can't now. Luckily I am a very fast walker but maybe I am giving up too easily because of this. On sunday went to the 8km funrun in the city with 2 trainers. Of course they took off and left me in their dust. I was aiming for and pushed myself to get under the 1 hr mark. Just made it in under 57 minutes. I was pleased with this but again I walked a lot of it. My time was faster than previous runs but running was less. Not sure if this is related to not feeling well or just a mental giving up. A lovely lady asked m eto run part of it with her and told me I needed to slow down so I could maintain. tried to do this and it helped a little. I need to learn to stop rushing at everything. Running is so alien to me and I have bad technique. Saw Kathryn in the line which was great. She appeared to be having a good time. Monday morning went to kick boxing with every muscle screaming at me to stop. Then Monday night had fitness testing. This consisted of 2km run, 2 minutes sprinting, 30 push ups, 60 squats with weights, 1 min 45 hover, 50 shoulder presses and 60 crunches. I exceeded all my past efforts except for the run which was slower than last time. I was pleased with that but very exhausted. Yesterday I had 3 hrs of tennis which was great, even though we lost by 3 games. Then last night I went for a short bike ride with E. Trying to master that as it is something I have not really done, except for 2 short rides this year, (in over 15 years). This morning had running training again which consisted of 50 minutes of running shuttle combinations.
I am going to try to find 1 hr tonight to go for a longer bike ride. Just want to keep at it to see if I can toughen up the bum muscles which kill me when I try to ride.
Tomorrow cannot make training as we have a funeral to go to. Very sad as our elderly engineer died on Friday. This man has been like a mentor to us for over 20 years and although we knew he had little time left it was still a great shock. He was another old fashioned gentleman like my dad.
Friday I am off to Newcastle to visit Bri... I am sooo excited. I desperately need a break and a hug froma friend. Lucky me I am able to go.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
Got this quote from sparkpeople. Think it was written for me.

CAN YOU BEAR IT?

2006-10-17T18:08:00.001-07:00

21ST BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

2006-10-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

Last Sat the weather gods were extremely kind to us and we had the most wonderful party. Everything went off without a hitch and the kids grooved the night away. The band sounded fantastic in the open air and a good time was had by all. I feel very blessed to have such wonderful children and this was definitely a night for the memory book.

HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

2006-10-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Have been feeling very proud of myself with my challenge. For 2 1/2 weeks I have exercised everyday and eaten within points. Planned and tracked, drank water, eaten fruit...
On Monday night felt the urge to binge. I was exhausted and tempted by DD lollies. After eating a few I decided to go to an evening step class to ward off the binge. Felt much better after that strenuous class.
At work we have these lovely stairs at the entrance to our office. Some mornings after strenuous training sessions I feel done in just going up them. However this week having been such an exercise queen and being at work on my own I decided I should use them to exercise at work. So up and down them 5 times. Have trouble breathing after but good for the calves. This morning training was very intense with 50 minutes running including up and down 2 hills , 10 times. They turned into mountains after the first 2 times! So not sure whether I would do my stair climbing today.
Today I had to go to the back of the factory via our ugly but straight stairs.

No problem. Except obviously paying no attention I fell on the 3rd step and smashed my watch and cut my wrist. Luckily no men were around to laugh at my clumsiness but then again maybe they could have helped if I was really hurt. ALso luckily this is my old watch. I thought of wearing my normal one this morning but was too lazy to have to do it up. This one just slips over my hand. Not any,more though!!!!!!!!

BLINGY THAT REFLECTS MY ATTITUDE FREQUENTLY

2006-10-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Get free graphics at BlingyBlob.com!

THE WEEK IN REFLECTION

2006-10-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

Pulled my act together last week after feeling miserable over the weekend and the week flew by in a haze of frantic activity. The week before I had set myself a 4 week challenge. Drew up a spreadsheet to record points for doing the right thing. Points are rewarded for good eating, for water consumption, eating frut and vegetables and exercising. Set a target to exercise every day for the 4 weeks. I have now changed the challenge to 5 weeks. Not sure what the reward will be but with a little bit of luck and a lot of effort I will be off this plateau I have been hovering around all year. The focus however is not about the scales but on basically living in a healthy way and feeling good each day when I can record positive results.

EXERCISE THIS WEEK:
Kickboxing class, step class, 1000 stairs, 60 min running session x 2, 4km walk, tone and sculpt class, 30mins trampoline, body pump class.
Also many hours gardening, cleaning out the garage, cleaning out the gutters, etc, in preparation for DS2 21st Birthday party next sat night. Still a lot to do to get organised for that.
I need you all to use whatever influence you have to keep the good weather till after the party as we are having it outside. DS1 band will be entertaining us from the garage and we have made a huge balloon net canopy for the "dance" area. Not sure what we will do if the weather turns bad.
My office girl was off sick most of last week which was difficult as I had wnated time off to spend with DD as she had only the 1 week off from school. The office girl is now on Annual Leave so I have her work to do as well as my own so I am definitely keeping busy. This allows little time for worrying so I am sure the time to the Drs visit will fly by. I have so many great things coming up to look forward to and the best course of action is to just deal with whatever comesnd I was again spoilt and quite overwhelmed when another blogging friend sent me a beautiful flower arrangement that arrived at my office 10 minutes BEFORE I posted my whingy post. Mental telepathy knowing I was feeling down and bothering to do something about it. It just amazes me how caring some people are. THANKYOU!!
As I said to my trainer when we did the 1000 stairs life is a rollercoaster and the ups are made even better by surviving the downs.
Had a lovely dinner for my sisters birthday on Sat night at a winery in Sunbury. Food was simple but delicious. I had made my sister a scrap album about my dad who is deceased and we had a wonderful time sharing our memories. He was a very special man and we both miss him every day. The album took hours over a few weeks and I made one for myself as well. It really was good though looking back through old pictures and then producing the album was like celebrating his life and our love for him.
Well better get back to work. Have a great week everyone.

ANOTHER WHINGY POST!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

Spent last week being an optmistic, dedictated gym/ exercise junky. The week included, kickboxing class x 2, step class, aerobic class, rebound and fitball class, 90 minute walk, 60 minute walk, 2 sessions on treadmills, 2 weight sessions, 4km run time trial and 2km run just for practice, 2 x weight sessions. From Mon - Friday ate perfectly and believed I was on the downhill road to virgin fat once more. Typed up a 4 week challenge for myself with mini targets and reward points. Started cleaning out the garage for DS Bd party in 2 weeks and spent hours scrapbooking a presnt for my sisters Bd this week. Even fitted in a very productive week at work and arranged to have some time off this week to spend time getting the house ready and enjoying school holidays with E.
Of course what I was really doing was keeping myself too busy to think about the DR visit on Friday. On the way I went and saw my mum to ease my conscience as I am often feeling guilty for being a "bad" daughter.
A one hour wait at the DR because my Dr quit last week and so I was being squeezed in, did not help nor did being asked by the DR " so what are you here for?" And I shouldn't have minded that she was about 70 because that means very experienced right? But I did mind that she kept forgetting that she had to look at all the tests or to go back to the ones that she said "we will come back to that one later." I had to remind her. Now remember I had changed DR to try to establish a good relationship with a female DR that my GF recommended! So having to start again was not a pleasant thought.
Anyway she located my test results and gave me the "good" news that my cholesterol and sugar is perfect, my iron is way too low from all the bleeding and my "tumor" is still small and my ovaries are not involved. I took this as good news. Although I did not like the word tumor I kept on smiling. I also took it as good news the fact that my other problem is now properly diagnosed as Adenomyosis. Possibly caused during the caesers when the muscle is cut and cells from the lining can get inside the muscle. Ok a problem from having my kids, no worries!! Which means the lining of the uterus has grown into the muscle of the uterus, hence explaining the extensive and prolonged bleeding and pains I have been having for a year. Bad news there was that medication is probably out because of other conditions I have had but a small operation should help. So 2 operations required but its Ok because I can get a 2 for 1 offer and have them done by the same surgeon at the same time. No problem!!!!!!!! Of course I have been worrying a little about squeezing this in between 21st BDay parties, work deadlines, trips to Newcastle, my kids exams, Robbie Williams concert and Xmas but as a master juggler it was possibble. And what is an operation afterall I have had plenty and if it can be fixed then go for it.
Then last test results were missing so I had to remind her to find them as they were dealing with an organ I need to keep doing the masses of exercise I do, "the heart!" I also asked her to take my blood pressure but she forgot and by the end of the appointment although I remembered I thought why bother. There was some really good news though about my heart and I need to focus on that because it was pretty major. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with an enlarged heart and referred to a cardiologist and after extensive tests was told to lose weight but nothing much could be done. It has always worried me but I have pushed it aside and never even told Drs I went to in the past 5 years. Well unless she was having trouble reading the results it is now only on the large side of normal. This is rare for the damage to be reversed so I am very fortunate. The cause of the reversal is my weight loss and exercise. Now that is an endorsement for feeling good about what I have achieved on this journey.
The next half an hour was spent trying to get an appointment to see the specialist for my "womens problems" That is in 5 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It isn't urgent because the tumour hasn't grown in the past 5 weeks.
I left the Dr with mixed feelings, news could have been way worse so I have a lot to be thankful for. Spent the afternoon walking with my Gf then home to the normal rush. Received a call from my BIL asking me to ring my sister to help her with some problems. She wouldn't talk to me so spent the night worrying about her, talking to him and researching medical pages on the INET. Ended up very well informed but my mood got way worse and I just wanted to cry. The weekend continued in that vain with me throwing my own pity party. I was home alone for most of it. Boys are working crazy hours and E had things on.
Went to gym both days and tried to keeep busy but in all honesty spent the weekend stewing about the following; Why should I wait 5 weeks to then have to make another appointment for the operation? Will it even happen this year or will I have to wait till next year? This means if the past few months are an indication that I will still have many days and nights with this pain and the problem of bleeding most days. I am so tired, off course from the lack of iron and of course I am worried about the chance that the tumor won't be benign even though I "know" the odds are that it will be. This fear wasn't helped by the fact that my GF in Brisbanes sister was operated on on Thursday and had a full hysterectomy, including parts of her bowel being removed due to a uterine tumour. And she waited 4 months to get into hospital for the operation. I can't share this with my family because I don't want to worry them and here I am being a drama queen in blogland and whinging when there are many people way worse off than me and many problems way bigger than mine in this world. But the waiting is soo hard. Patience is obviously not one of my virtues. It is just hard to stay motivated and optimistic when what I feel like doing is yelling and crying and then curling up in bed with a good book and some chocolate(BIG BLOCKS OF COURSE) for comfort.
So here I am , having avoided talking about this confessing here I am fed up with this body, I am fed up with the medical system with which I have a lifelong history of poor medical experiences. I am sick of being the strong one in the family who can deal with it all and I am sick of my own self pity because more than anything else complaining about life makes me feel a failure as a person. This really is pathetic. SO I will be back when I get my head out of where it is right now or when I think I have something worth offering to and my apology if I haven't got back to you but energy just isn't here at the moment. I do believe that the choice is ours. We can choose to be happy or not and I will make the right choice again- just not today.

HI EVERYONE

2006-09-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

Had some more tests last week and I am now just waiting for the results to see what will happen from here. This seems to be taking forever and 6 weeks so far seems an eternity.
Some good things that have happened:
- Darwin was magnificent. It was very hot but perfect for early morning and evening walks. We had a wonderful day at Lichfield where we wandered the paths and swam in the swimming holes at the waterfalls. The scenery was breathtaking and it felt great to be alive and fit enough to undertake some of the longer walks. One in particular track deteriorated into a series of rocks going down the cliff. Felt very challenged but also very pleased when I mastered it safely. We were robbed while we were sleeping which was very scary but as I said to my DH nothing important was taken. Lots of money and a camera which is disappointing as we had taken lots of photos. But nothing important like my wedding rings for example. The next night we barricaded the doors with chairs as the poice had informed us that they probably had a key!
-My beautiful daughter turned 17 last week. She didn't enjoy it as much as she should because she was snowed under with SACS and had to study long hours every night. But the boys came over for dinner and we had a laugh, and a certain mother had a bit of a cry when DS2 mentioned moving out of home. I never cry in front of my kids but am obviously a bit emotional at the moment. Am I the only mother who wants her children to stay at home?
-The same DS has been successful in getting a full-time position with a big corporation starting in Feb. He attended many interviews and tests over 6 weeks to get it and I am so pleased for him. It is a proper graduate position where he will be trained and the corporation has a good programme for moving them through various departments. We were worried for a while beacuse someone else offered him a 1 year position which required immediate commencement (and he was tempted to take it and not finish uni as he was worried he might not get a full time job) He was also having interviews for a job in Sydney which I kept advising him against. I told him he needs the support of his friends here. Not being selfish was I? It wasn't really in the area he wanted either. So it has worked out well. Now he just has to knuckle down and finish the course and he can enjoy some time off before he starts the next stage of his life.
Well best get some work done. Have a great week everyone.

PROBLEMS ARE OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH

2006-09-13T04:41:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. So sorry I have been missing from blogland.
Simply snowed under with life, and feeling exhausted and with nothing to offer. The good thing though is that spring is here and many people seem to be finding their motivation again. With all the trials and personal problems in this community it is truly inspirational that so much support is given. Sorry if I have been lacking in giving that support but my own worries have left me quite honestly without anything to say.

The factor over-riding my state of mind has been the medical issues I am dealing with. I have had problems with my heart for about 10 years so knew this would be re-investigated. Didn’t realize I needed to worry about other things as well. Basically I have had some problems for about 10 months with typical womens issues and on telling the Dr was told it was normal menopause. (Again I am given a reason not to trust doctors.)
As I blogged a couple of months ago my GF who is a nurse talked me into changing Drs. This then resulted in a whole battery of tests being ordered. For a person who has made it a policy to stay away from “medical experts” as much as possible these were in themselves a burden.
6 weeks ago the Dr sent me off for some tests for uterine/endometrial cancer. There was a 3 week wait for this and they showed I had endometriosis, (hence the period troubles) and a small growth that needs to be removed. I am having some more tests this week and then will know how involved the surgery needs to be.
As my Dh was going through his own problems and having trouble coping I didn’t share this except with a couple of special friends. This made it both easier and harder to deal with. Being busy meant the times free to really worry were only those hours in the middle of the night. Not talking about it also helped to minimize the actual fears I have been having. Most of the time I am very positive and I am sure the growth will be innocent and easily removed. But of course the fear of worse is there.
Last week my Dh and I went away for a week together in Darwin. At the end of this week I told him about the tests and of course shocked him but now he can share it with me. Now that I have told him I am ready to share this with the rest of you, mainly because I feel guilty that I have not been supportive to the rest of you.

Life is always complex and full of unexpected twists and turns and I truly believe that it is essential to be positive and deal with what comes as best as you can. Unfortunately my need to be private is often a curse. Raised by a mother who is both a hypochondriac and who never stops complaining, I have an irrational fear of becoming like her that often makes me retreat into myself when things get tough.

Unbelievable timing my mother just rang me………………..

I cannot think of anything wise to finish on so I am leaving it here for now……………..

SOMETIMES I AM MADE TO FEEL SO GOOD

2006-08-24T05:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, after a dreadful day in the office, I left work to visit a client and then I got a call to tell me some flowers had arrived. I had to get my office girl to open and read me the card but I knew in my heart they would be from my very special friend. A friend that has come to mean so much to me over the past 12 months and who knew instinctively that I was in need of re-assurance that someone really cared and that I was worth caring about. So thanks my special friend. Just know that I will be here for you just as you are being for me.
Funny thing is that 2 years ago I would have said I had stopped making friends but thanks to this blogging community and to changes in my own self confidence I have been truly blessed with new friendships. Amazing isn't it what weight actually affects?

TAKE THE TIME TO STOP AND SMELL THE FLOWERS

2006-08-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

Last few weeks have been very stressful with some serious health issues. Added to that stress at work and the dreadfully cold winter and motivation has been frequently lacking. However this morning the sun was shining and I took the time to visit my garden and that made me feel better. Spring is just a round the corner and I needed to remind myself to count the good things in life not dwell on the bad. I am going to try to take a few minutes each day to appreciate some of the good things in my life. Yesterday I played tennis. I have not played for 3 weeks and had no exercise at all for 8 days due to the flu. It felt wonderful to be exercising again even though I was surprised to find today that I am a little sore from it. Amazing what having a week off from exercise does. I am looking forward to getting back into some regular exercise each day. As far as eating goes that has also been all over the place but I am being exceptionally good this week and it definitely helps me feel better. Hope everyone is having a good week and especially Jodie who has only 1 week to go. How exciting and definitely a reminder of what life is all about.

photos

2006-08-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

I WAS THE ONE IN THE RED HAT

GREAT WEEKEND

2006-08-16T20:01:00.000-07:00

After a week of being really ill with the flu I went to Sydney for the weekend. Lots of lectures from my family about the dangers of running when ill!!! With infected sinuses the landing was painful. On landing I had 2 phone calls to deal with and ended up in the baggage areA feeling quite seedy and disoriented. Panic when my phone seemd to have lost all Brionys numbers, (whiCh mysteriously appeared again that night). Briony was there with her smiles though to meet me and we set off for our adventure in the city. Expecting to be unable to check in and to just store my bag, it was lovely to be greeted at reception by the manager who said my room was ready for me and he then offered a late checkout so I could shower after the run on Sunday. The room was incredible and Briony and I could have been quite comfortable there all afternoon. But we ventured into the city for a little window shopping and of course lunch. A couple of hours walking made us feel very virtuous and we tried to take some photos. The park is just beautiful and the weather was perfect. A chinese man took a photo of us both but it didn't turn out. So separate photos were all we had which I had fun merging into one last night. A quick swim and spa then we made ourselves beautiful and headed off into the city for the blog meet. As others have described it was a wonderful evening. It was spoiled a bit by me because I was feeling quite ill but I am glad I came to Sydney and was able to meet so many inspirational people. Back at the hotel some arm twisting occurred and we decided to sample the room service menu for dessert. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Very sadly Bri departed and I went to bed, just little me in a GIANT king size bed. A few times during the night I thought of cancelling my run the next morning. However when the morning arrived the sun was shining and I knew I had to at least try. I met up with M and Linda and eventually the race started for us. Luckily I had my own stop watch because it took us over 15 minutes to get moving. We started weaving in and out of the crowd together but the urge to run overtook me so I bid my farewells and took off. I really enjoyed this run. The crowd was annoying me because it was so difficult to run any distance but I think this forced me to pace myself and not overdo it trying to be fast. The atmosphere was great, the weather was perfect and the views were beautiful. Heartbreak Hill was a challenge but manageable. The last km did seem to be very long but I had planned for under 2 hrs so was pleased with my personal time which was 116mins. The hardest part was then lining up for a bus and getting back to the hotel with only 30mins to spare to bathe and get ready. I then did some shopping but exhaution set in so I went to the airport early and sat and read a book, with lots of dozing. Next year I will definitely stay another night and go back to the hotel and sleep in the afternoon! Arrived home at 9pm barely able to keep my eyes open but pleased with the weekend.
This week I hav estill been ill with teh flu and very busy at work. Eating is not good but taht s ok when I am over thsi flu I will get back to normal which I am pleased to say is now being good.
Thanks to everyone for organising and attending Sat night.

FUN RUN......................

2006-08-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the run at Albert Park. I entered the 10km with my trainer and Jenny my training buddy entered the 5km. E was going to do it but her glands are swollen again so we decided she should rest instead. After a week plagued by illness and worrying about getting injured before the C2S I was quite nervous. I did the first 2km in good time at 6min/km but slowed down after that completing the first 5km in 34.30 mins. That was what I planned so that was good. The second lap I was much slower. My ulcers played up at the 7km mark so I walked a lot of it, albeit fairly vigourously and did interval walking/running till the end. 100m from the finish line my trainer ran back to me and yelled at me to keep running till the end and Jenny took a photo, hence the smile. I completed it in 72.30 minutes which was 2.30 mins slower than I had hoped but faster than teh last funrun I did. On coming through the finish line I was given a spot prize. I am sure because h ewas so relieved this old lady didn't collapse into his arms, but Jenny said it was because I was smiling! He said to run up to the stage as they were already giving them out so I did. Amazing how I was able to run a bit more for a prize. I won $100 voucher to the restaurant on the lake. That was a great reward.

When I got home I went out again to get a massage. My masseur resigned on Friday so I had a new person. Well I won't be going back to her again. Although I like and need deep tissue massage this was unbearably painful. Even when I told her she still persisted. Now I am hurting all over and it is from the massage not the run. I was quite a sight this morning at kickboxing. Our trainer has increased the intensity of my workouts and I am really pleased with that but I certainly felt it in every muscle. Then off for a tennis leson. My coach has not been coaching for 6 months and since he has been available it has been too wet. So today of all days we had an intense session and I was actualy dripping in sweat at the end of 45mins. The sad part then was that I have had to come in to work and try to be enthusiastic and efficent when all I want to do is go home and get into bed.
Haven't been abl eto blog much because our internet is not working properly. Found out last night it is because T has been downloading movies!!!!!!!!! Should reset tomorrow. Then my hotmail is not working at home either!!!!!!
I am looking forward to the weekend in Sydney but with quite a bit of trepidation re meeting new people and then the actual run itself. Not long to go though and the excitement re catching up with old friends and making new ones certainly outweighs the fear.

PLAN FOR SUCCESS

2006-07-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

This has been a busy week where I managed to keep sane by getting really stuck into the exercise. The weekly effort included; kickboxing class, boxing circuit class, tennis, pump class, weight sessions x 2, 3 x running session. Last Sat we had our time trials and I knocked 1 1/2 minutes off my time for 4km. I have to say I was ready to throw up at the end, a sensation I have never had before. Trainer said I was really pushing it. I still cannot run long distances without stopping but at least I walk fast!! I can now run 2km without stopping but it requires a lot of mental effort as I have to keep urging myself on.

Despite some worrying things happening I have tried to stay positive this week. I have managed to call some friends just to say hi and that helped me not to feel so guilty about avoiding everyone. I was rewarded with some compliments which for once I felt like maybe, just maybe, I deserved them. At training on Friday the trainer called me skinny and instead of replying with a negative comment about my still existing pudge I said "I Know"

Last night we went to a surprise 50th birthday and there was a woman there, (who is not very nice) who has not seen me for 2 years. She ignored me but then told her soon to be DIL that she could not believe it was me because of all the weight I had lost. We did not know most of the people there and it was funny because they were asking who we were and were told "T's boss." Of course then we were checked out more and I was able to sit proudly. I know I would have been cringing and wanting to disappear in the past. This is a much better feeling and I need to remember it for those moments when motivation is lacking.

Today I am off to the city to meet Ails for lunch, (After I go to rebound class to shake off the dessert from last night!) And of course it is only 2 weeks till the Sydney get together. Now that is exciting. I am going to persevere with the challenge to exercise everyday and stay on track with my eating and hopefully the scales will start to shift downwards. They are down on the past few weeks but still higher than lower weights I have reached momentarily in the past 6 months.

I am about to write up my exercise plan for next week and will be sticking to it no matter what. I am also going to plan for doing some things that I enjoy like the movies with my sons GF, (as my son will be away in Bendigo working for the week), a massage to help the aches and pains. It will also include doing some things I have been worrying about so I can stop worrying about doing them!
"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan."

So that is my motto this week' Plan and plan and stick to it!!

AWOL

2006-07-25T03:18:00.000-07:00

AWOL… big apologies for my absence.

I have been reading your blogs but life has interfered with my own time or desire to post on my own blog. Nothing major just small hurdles to deal with and major time, motivation and energy deficits. There have been many ups and downs in the past few weeks as there always is in life an dto simplify things I will just list a few and then I promise to be back posting more regularly.

NEGATIVES:
          -Dh being a Dh, I will not go into details except to say major stress and the usual rollercoaster of emotions as a result.
                        -E has been sick again, nothing major, but combined with her discovery of puberty blues in a big way many emotional and draining discussions and worry.
                       -Work and the end of financial year hassles
                       -Mum ill and in and out of hospital for 3 weeks. Then when home she has taken to calling for me in the middle of the night and I have to rush over to her house to help calm her down when she is having panic attacks.
                       -My sister having to move out of her flat with 1 weeks notice and no-one around to help her move except “me.”
                      -Having to take my sister to legal aid and to court over a “neighbour dispute”.
                     -My mother and her Dh are splitting up! AGAIN and will it really happen?????
                     -Feeling I have been a bad friend because I have not kept in touch as much as I should with my special blog friends.
                     -Some medical issues that have raised their head and made me worry.
                       -Unable to lose weight and wanting to give up, resulting in my feeling I had nothing to post about. General feeling of unworthiness made worse by tiredness.

POSITIVES:

Reading blogs and seeing the support given out to people having personal problems has been inspiring and heartwarming.

A trip to the snow with E and her GF.

My other sister is having a wonderful month in England and Spain and sounds much happier.

The blogging Melbourne meet was very exciting and inspiring.

I have kept to the Brichellee pact and exercised every day.

Although feeling stressed and resorting to comfort eating when I shouldn’t I have kept getting back on track and I have sustained a rigorous exercise schedule which I now know is so good for my mind and body.

I have doubt about many things but no doubt about my commitment that “I will not just walk through life anymore. I will continue to take it by the horns and run with it.”

BRICHELLE EXERCISE CHALLENGE-VIRGINS IN THE MAKING

2006-07-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

Bri and I started an exercise challenge last week and Kellee has joined us. In the interests of time management it is very simple; Exercise every day until the C2S meet up in August. 6 weeks I think!. The deal is that we nag each other and no one is supposed to go to bed without having exercised. Also plans must be made to do this and a variety of activity should be planned. So week 1 almost over and we have done very well. I have done the 1000 steps, a 2km run, 6km run, kickboxing, step class, resistance band class and dragged my exercise bike into the lounge room so that on some evenings I have ridden (just a little because I am not a lover of the bike) while watching Big Brother.
This year my weight has gone up and down but basically stayed about the same. My efforts have been turned on and off like a tap and simply were not consistent enough. This is an effort to get those scales down into new virgin territory. I have to be careful because of the injuries last month but I am going to try to really focus and work hard for the 6 weeks. If I am not a virgin again by the meet it will not be for lack of trying...
Have a great weekend everyone.

Hi Everyone

2006-07-04T00:13:00.000-07:00

Well where did the time go since my last blog? Seems time races by and the energy required at the end of the day to blog has been missing. As usual life has thrown up a few hurdles but they are behind me again now so I am back.
Talking to my Dh at the weekend because he has been warned to do something about his health by his GP (again) and has joined the gym (again) I told him he has to do it for himself as only he can make the choices which will bring about change. That is something that I have definitely learned on this journey. Just wish I had wised up to that 10 years ago.
Then I visited a client who commented that I was only half a Michelle now. She asked me how I had lost weight and I told her by choosing "me" in the busy day to day schedule that life is. For too many years there was no time to exercise, to diet, to do things I would enjoy because I had to be a martyr and try to be a myriad of other things for other people, loosing parts of myself along the way.
So now everyday there is some time for me even if it is only very brief on some days. Yes it is easier because my kids are almost grown up but I could have done this in the past if I had been able to treat myself even a bit better than I did. If I had realised that my needs were important, as important as the needs of the other people in my life for whom I always made time. What a lot of time I wasted being that martyr and just eating my way through the stress. And yes I still fall back into the old pattern at times of stress but its Ok. I do not have to be perfect at this I just have to keep on trying and being honest with myself. If I want time to enjoy the rest of my life then I have to make time now for me, for my weight, for my health, for my emotional well being, for my soul.

INJURED AND UNINSPIRED

2006-06-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

Came home after a wonderful time in Brisbane with a cold but feeling very motivated. However eating became a bit poor as I felt incredibly hungry all the time. Did a small training run as training for the Run to the G but skipped other training as I didn't want any muscle soreness and I was busy at work. E came in to the run with me which I was very excited about. Then I heard my name called out and met Ails, Linda and Natt. I would have liked to catch up with them and chat but I was travelling with people from my training group so was unable to do so. The run started and within 2km I knew something was wrong. Got terrible pain in my hip muscle just like I had got at the end of the Mothers Day run. The pain was excruciating and I was sooo disappointed especially as E was with me. I complained I think for the whole run. E tried to encourage me to keep going and I seriously thought of giving up. At one stage I stated that that was it no more fun runs. I was miserable. Half way I got a bit inspired by seeing Scott only 1 minute ahead so tried a bit harder. It was also inspiring to hear Ails calling out to me. E was amazed that I knew people at the run!! I struggled to the end and completed the course in 1 hr 18 minutes so not too bad but I had hated every moment and my times were definitely slower than in my training runs. There were a few times I was close to tears from the pain and I was so disappointed to have E see me at my worst when I had wanted her to be impressed with how good I now was. What annoyed me was that in Brisbane I had no pain when I did the 9km walk/run on Friday in 1 hr. Met up with the others and thankfully got a lift back to our city so didn't have to catch a train. When I got home E and I pigged out on McDs and then I went to bed with chocolate for comfort. Oh those old support mechanisms just linger on. When I got up to drive E to sleep over the pain was worse. Spent the night on the couch suffering and reached a point where I could not move my left leg unless I lifted it with my hands. Skipped training the next morning and tried to juggle stretching, massage and resting with work etc. My cold was also adding to my misery. On Tuesday morning it seemed a bit better and my training partner messaged me asking if we could do 4km insead of 2? I said Ok I would try. Went at 6am and struggled through a slow run for 2km then admitted defeat. My left leg started hurting a bit but now my right foot was killing me. I have been having a sore foot off and on for weeks. The day was painful with the left leg and the right foot! Walked around with a ridiculous limp. Again resorted to junk food for comfort.It is unbelieveable how I can be so in control sometimes and then eat sooo much when I lose that control. Went yesterday morning to training and had to give up half way through as the pain was too bad. I went to the physio to be diagnosed with hip flexor strain in my left side and plantar fascitis in my right foot. You can imagine how cranky I was. Especially on being told it may take weeks to heal. So spent the day home from work, binging and feeling miserable. I was being so good and really enjoying the exercise so now felt defeated and hopelessly frustrated by these injuries. I am not allowed to take anti-inflammatory medicines because of my ulcers so couldn't even resort to drugs to help. Anyway last night I tried to talk some sense into myself. I did a lot of exercises suggested by the physio and have planned a healthy day of eating today. Just have to get through the first few days without weakening to get myself back into the zone. I am sure I will suffer from chocolate withdrawals today so feel free to kick me where I need it. Self sabotage has always been my problem. I plan to stay away from the scales for at least the next 10 days so I don't further crumble when I see the figures on them. Trip to the orthodontist with E this morning then work. I plan to concentrate on doing a lot of stretching and planning for success rather than wallowing in defeat. I will also try to get to all your blogs to catch up. Hope everyone is well and being a lot more motivated than I have been.

OLD FRIENDS, NEW FRIENDS, AND YOUNG FRIENDS.

2006-06-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

Had a wonderful time in Brisbane even though the weather was a bit Melbourneish at times. Apart from some work commitments with Dh most of the time was spent walking, and talking and relaxing with my friends which now come in all shapes and sizes. I was very spoilt by dinner at Lindas home with her family. I felt very privileged to have such a special person invite me to her home and had a great time. On the Sat we even squeezed in a 2 1/2 hr walk which actually felt like only about an hour due to the large amount of talking I expect! Rounded this off with a healthy lunch at the shopping outlets and then of course a bit of shopping.
On the Sunday after a morning walk through a rainforest we went to Brisbane to stay with our old friend that used to work for us. One of the nicest things with this friend is that even though we now only see each other a few times a year we just pick up where we left off and can talk so easily. After 15 years working together we know each other very well which is very comforting. Some fine restaurant dining was arranged and I ordered grilled fish and salad. Not normal for me! Before my halo slips I must confess that this was motivated by the dessert menu which had a "Chocaholic dessert" I had to have. Imagine my horror after dutifuly eating my fish and going up to order the dessert to be told it was not available. Grilled fish for nothing!! On the drive back home somehow the driver was forced to stop and we bought violet crumbles to crush over our icecream.... For dinner we had to do penance and made a vegetable bake to try to compensate for our piggery.. On the way to the airport on my last day I went to visit Kellee and beautiful Toby. All I can say is that Kellee has a wonderful, loving and growing family and I wish I lived close enough to ofer my babysitting services. It was very considerate of Toby to arrive in time for me to see him in person. I have a photo but will wait till Kellee has time to put some up before I publish mine.
So yes I am also fortunate to have spent time with my special friends. Thanks Kellee and Linda and their families for making me feel so welcome.

EXERCISE UPDATE

2006-06-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

EXERCISE SINCE LAST EXERCISE UPDATE:
MON- 60 mins kickboxing, 40 mins tennis lesson, 60 mins step class.
TUE- 2km run,60 mins weights programme
WED- 60 mins running programme
THU- 2km run, 60 mins step class
FRI- 60 mins weight programme, 60 mins pump class, 2km run
SAT- 60 mins boot camp
SUN- 60 mins boot camp
MON- 60 mins kickboxing
TUE- 2km run
WED- 60 mins running programme
THU- (tomorrow) 2km run, 60 mins step class
Then I fly north to Brisbane for 5 nights for work and for catching up with some friends, including Linda and hopefully Kellee and her baby.
Have a great week and weekend everyone and I will be back in blogland next wed.

THE DEB

2006-06-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am really too tired still to post but I think the pictures say it all. We were very proud of our beautiful daughter. Everything went perfectly and we had a wonderful evening which we will never forget. Our baby girl has definitely grown into a beautiful young lady. When I was helping decorate the venue and the debs arrived the teacher commented to me how beautiful E looked. Being dimplomatic I replied all the girls look beautiful. Her answer "yes but E looks like a 16 year old girl should look." Made me smile inside. We danced all evening which was fun and then I acted as chauffeur for the various after parties. There were 2 professional photographers so we will be overwhelmed with photos I am sure. This was definitely a night for the memory book and one of those special moments when it is soooo wonderful being a mum.

WE WERE VERY PROUD PARENTS...

Be thankful for what I have...

2006-06-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

Had quite a mixture of events this week to remind me to stop being self indulgent and be grateful for the good things in life.
In no particular order.
-I was embarassed at what I blogged last time and wished I hadn't but received some wonderful support from my blogging friends. I do not feel worthy at times but thanks for reminding me I am not alone.
-My sons Gf told me that when her friend met me she was amazed how young I was. This was on the night I went to see my sons band and was wearing jeans and a slimming jacket. Obviously aided by the low lighting levels!!
-Somehow we have struggled through the stresses of VCE exams and my DD and I survived some arguing, and nagging from me to study. I have had to assist with the explanation of long forgotten facts from my teaching days and YEH!!!she is now doing her last exam. Hopefully I get my happy though very tired daughter back tonight. She has planned a shopping trip after work so obviously she is getting back to normal.
-On the work front we decided to give our least qualified worker 2 months notice. We employed him initially for a weeks work 4 years ago. Lots of soul searching went into this decision over the past few months and we spent a lot of money on having him build stock product for which we have no sale. It is not something we wanted to do. Then 2 days ago his father died. Luckily we had not given him notice and definitely will delay and hope some more work suited to him comes in our door so we can keep him on.
-Then our most qualified worker in a different department is being poached by a rival firm. Now we will be in trouble if we lose him. I have had long talks with him and he agrees we have looked after him really well for 14 years and trained him in his trade. However we also pay him extremely well but will not consider paying him more to keep him when considering letting someone else go...So time will tell. Very worrying.
-In my training group there is a young woman who was upset because she cannot run much so on Tuesday at 6am we met and went for a 2km run. We repeated this on Thursday and she ran the entire distance. She said I inspire her...how nice is that? We are going to keep doing this to train for the run to the G.
-A few weeks ago I bought a dress for the deb. It was a bit large and I thought I would take it in at the top. Then I rethought and asked myself why I was buying a dress that needed to be made smaller. I rang the store and they ordered me in another one in a size 12!! So that is what I will be wearing. I will take some pics and put them on here later. Who would have thought I could wear a sz 12 cocktail dress from a normal shop?
-My thoughts go to Kellee who has a very contented foetus determined not to leave the safe cocoon she has provided for it. Hopefully this weekend is an eventful one for her and she has a safe delivery and we can see some pics of this determined little man! Lots of love an dbest wishes for you Kellee. It has to be one of the most exciting times for any woman.
-Well thsi weekend we have the DEB and I am eagerly looking forward to seeing my daughter glammed up and looking like a beautiful young lady. We will be very proud parents and the night will be one for the memory book I am sure. I also have boot camp on both mornings, decorating of the venue for the deb and lots of chauffering to after parties and such so it will be busy and tiring but lots of fun.
Have a great weekend everyone.

CITY TO SURF

2006-05-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

Is anyone doing the City to Surf Fun run? My trainer asked me if I was going to do it and as there is an airline sale on at the moment I thought I might. Is there anyone who wants to do it with me? The run is on August 13th. Also I thought we could possibly have a meet up for dinner on the Sat night. Let me know if there is any interest please "www.city2surf.sunherald.com.au"

MIXED POSTS MIXED FEELINGS

2006-05-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well what a week this has been! Following Sues lists I am going to keep the first part of this post simple:

THINGS THAT UPSET ME THIS WEEK:
: Dealing with people at the hospital who confused and upset MIL
: Dealing with other relatives(in-laws) who really don't care that much about MIL but insist on trying to tell me how to do what I should do, in their way because they are the experts, to look after her.
: School which timetables exams and deb in the same week.
: DD who snaps at me because she is so stressed out from all the work, deb practice etc.
:Women at tennis who wanted me to make my team stop their game mid way and change courts. All the courts are the same but she yelled abuse at me when I said I wouldn't stop the match to change.
:Walking the length of the shopping center to pick up something, entering a shop at 9.15 to be told we are not opening today till 9.30 even though signs in large print on door say opening time is 9.00am.
: Falling over during step class circuit and hurting ankle.
: Clients who refuse to pay bills but can give no valid reason.
: Worrying about whether we may need to put off some staff due to lack of work. (major worry for past few months and something we have never done.)
:DS using me as a taxi for his night at the pub. No problem normally but no notice. SO I arrive home at 8pm after a bad day to be asked to leave again at 8.30.
: On drive to pub breaking my hands free phone kit.
: Trying to get house clean on return from pub because no one else has bothered.
: Finally sitting down at 11.30, (mind you the day started at 4.30am) to have phone ring and DS asking me to pick him up from pub.
: Backing car out of garage and hitting garage door that for some reason had not opened fully. The car I was planning to take for a trade in valuation next week!
: Going to early morning training after only 2 hrs in bed to have trainer tell me off for training too much, but then she asks me to do time trial and mini olympics this weekend and to do boot camp next weekend.
: Phone call with sister who clearly having problems but refuses to talk. Then 15 minutes later her hubby rings me at work for advice on how to handle her (again!!)
: Not feeling in mood to offer wise advice to anyone. Hating myself and sick of trying to do the right thing weight wise and in all other aspects of my life.
: My DH behaviour and attitude that is so moronic I seriously have doubts about how we stayed together for 30 years.
: Feeling like I have no friends, no life and nothing to offer anyone.
: Having no enthusiasm for anything in life at the moment.

OK so that was the post I wanted to write yesterday morning but couldn't find the time or motivation to do.
BUT TODAY I WOULD WRITE A DIFFERENT POST:
What changed??
After weight training at 6am, and the normal morning rushing around I went to pump class. Hated parts of it but came away with a buzz as exercise always achieves.
Had a lovely email from my best bud Bri that helped me know I wasn't alone.
Met my GF for a walk in the Botanic Gardens. She has had serious problems with her daughter and we were meeting up for a talk to help her through it.
The sun shone and we walked and talked for an hour and a half. And before the walk I admitted my problems with DH. Something I have never done with her. I didn't dwell on details just admitted my overall despair with him. It was like lifting a load from my shoulders not to pretend. He has moments when he is wonderful but many times when he is terrible. I have chosen to put up with this for my kids sake and accept that as my fate until they are all independent adults. Then I will see. I don't like to discuss this with people because I know it would be hard to understand. Our relationship is complicated by things in our history and I don't want it or him judged. As I said when he is good he is wonderful. Just doesn't happen often enough. And of course when I get very unhappy I turn to food for comfort.
Anyway I digress but I just wanted to admit it here as well.
We walked and talked and I know I helped her. We then talked about our frustration with our kids growing up and away from us, we talked about our difficulties with our weight loss journey. We made a commitment to stay in touch more and to be honest and help each other. So yes I felt less alone.
Rushed to work and the rest of the day unfolded with the normal rushing around but it was OK.
So another bump in this difficult journey and again I am on the downhill trail. I know there will be more hills but as I said to my GF as long as we pick ourselves up after our falls and keep going it is OK and that in itself is being successful.

EXERCISE THIS WEEK:
MON: 60 mins kickboxing, 50 min stennis lesson, 30 mins weight training, 60 mins step circuit class
TUE: 20 mins fat burning DVD,3hrs tennis
WED: 60 mins running training, 90 mins tennis
THU: 60 mins step circuit class
FRI: 60 mins weight training, 60 mins pump class, 90 mins walk
SAT: 4km time trial, I beat my PB by 2 minutes. YEH!!
YES I am now an exercise junkie and oh how it helped this week or I would have just wallowed in my own self indulgent misery.

Today we are going to collect the deb dress, do some work errands and then my son may be taking me to see Da Vinci code tonight.
Tomorrow my training group is going into the city for mini olympics.
Have a great weekend everyone and thanks for reading this blog and being there for me to vent to.

A QUICK UPDATE

2006-05-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

Just a quick blog to let you know I am still here. Last week in the middle of theenight my MIL rang me again and I rushed her to hospital. She has emphysema and that combined with a bad cold that turned into a chest infection meant she couldn't breathe. It was very scarey and she was very very ill for a few days. She is on the mend now and I will be picking her up tomorow from hospital and she will come to stay with me for a few days. It was very stressful to say the least. She is an independent, healthy lady of 80 and as she has never really been sick until recently takes illness badly as she naturally worries she is going to stop breathing. She has been my dear friend since I was 15 and lives here 2 days a week so has a big impact on us all if she is not around.
Hope everyone is doing well and that you are all healthy and happy. I am trying to catch up with all your blogs tonight.

MOTHERS DAY WEEKEND.

2006-05-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I hope you all had a good weekend. We did. On Sat we had to cancel our girly deb shopping. We went to tennis in the morning and then to the fitting for the Deb frock. DD looked lovely. So different in a long dress! We then went back home because she had so much homework to do. She actually worked till midnight that night when I made her stop. I did some cooking and housework (dreaded ironing) and even tried to have a nap. That didn't work however as 5 times someone came in to ask me something. So managed to do some reading anyway. At midnight DD and I had to have a serious discussion. She still had 2 major pieces of work to do for Monday. I said she couldn't come on the run. With traveling it takes up 4 1/2 hrs!!! We had some tears because she wanted to do it for Mothers Day. I was disappointed but had to stand firm for her own sake. She was planning to just stay up all night and try to get 1 piece of work done and the next Sunday night!! With exams in 2 weeks and lots more work due this week I couldn't allow that.
Went to bed at 1am and woke at 5. Thought I might as well get up and go in to the run and attempt a run rather than a walk as the walk was not starting till 9.40. If I did the walk I would not get home till 12.30. Also I really had been pining for the challenge of a run even though I have not really been training for it. I decided I would try my hardest for the first lap and then walk the second lap. I felt my broken toe could handle that. Drove in as the trains do not get there early enough. Parking was a problem so thank goodness I had not driven in later. Walked to the registration area and registered and then walked to the starting line. Tried to see someone I knew but couldn't in the crowd. I managed to run most of the first lap even up most of the hill so I was amazed with myself. It is amazing how much better you can do when everyone else is running. You feel really slack when you walk. It was a bit longer than last time I did the tan because they added in a dogleg up and back a road so I thought I would be a bit slower. However with a bit of a push I did the first lap in under 29minutes. Very pleased with that. I then walked a fair bit. I had trouble walking up the hill the second lap and it was really hurting but started running when it became downhill. I had a couple of women ahead of me andd tried to not let them get ahead. One in particular was wearing a bright purple shirt and I kept running past her. Then when I walked she would run past me. Got to the 4km mark and I thanked her for inspiring me. We then egged each other on. I was secretly hoping to get finished under 1 hr but ended on their clock at 1hr and 6 seconds. My watch said 59 minutes but I am sure theirs was the accurate one! But that was a big improvement on my PB. For the last 2km my hips were in agony. I have never had pain there before. When I stopped I then had serious difficulty walking to the car. Not funny! It seems like everytime I run my body finds new ways to hurt! Anyway crawled to the car and no parking ticket, phew.

Got home at 11.30 to meet DD and DS2. DD had snuck into my room during the night and left me a beautiful scrapbooked card and a running bum bag/drink bottle holder. DS2 gave me some ugh boot style slippers. I laughed at that because I have never worn slippers(we have heated floors) and it made me feel like a granny. As I was hobbling around he thought they were appropriate. I left and picked up my mum to take her out. That is a whole different blog!! My sister met up with us and after lunch, (drink of hot choccie only for me) we put her and my niece and nephew in to see a movie and went shopping. Managed to buy a few things. Then my hips started hurting again and I was really the old lady leaning on a counter in a print shop while my sister ummed and ahhed about prints for her house!! Rushed home for a quick change as we were meeting at 5pm for dinner at our favourite restaurant. DD1 was late as he was late from work. He had only had 6hrs sleep since Friday am so was very tired. We had a beautiful dinner and I indulged with half a meal of my favourite vegetable risotto and half a dessert! We were all having trouble hiding our tiredness so it was just as well we had booked dinner so early. Home by 7.30 where poor DD had to do more schoolwork. DS2 also had a 100 word essay to complete for uni today. I went to bed at midnight (after many naps on the couch and she was still at it. Time to wake her now and then I will edit her work for her... I skipped training this morning because of my hips but have a tennis lesson at 9am so hopefully that will be enough to loosen me up without overdoing it. I am thrilled that I did the 8km run and bettered my PB. I love having these challenges to try to overcome as I feel so good about myself when I manage to do them. Have a great week everyone.

WHAT I AM MOST PROUD OF! MY 3 CHILDREN.

Thank goodness it is Friday

2006-05-12T03:20:00.000-07:00

Well a very long week is coming to a close. I am not sure whether it is that I am getting old, or the winter blues, or what but I still feel exhausted. It will be good to have the weekend to recuperate a bit. I woke at 4.30 this morning and got up and did some housework then went to training. We did training with resistance bands. Must say I do not enjoy using the band as much as weights. Did an emergency run to the supermarket at 7am because DD had a soccer rally day and needed essential supplies. Her list included lollies, twisties and mandarins!!! After taking her to school I went to a pump class. I really enjoyed that. Off to work for the normal activites there, then home to pick up DD and take her to work. Back to my work for 2 hrs, then off to tennis presentations to collect DD's trophy for winning the Grand Final. Picked DD up from her work and came home and made tea, did the washing and painted the broom cupboard. Have been catching up on blogs and find it amazing how similar many of us feel. Thank goodness we don't all go through our lows at the same time. The support here really is incredible and I know I really rely on all of you when I am having a bad time. I hope I also help each of you.
My son has asked me to go visit him at his "gig" tonight. He doesn't start playing till 9.30 and I may be in a room full of strangers but I guess I should make the effort seeing as he asked.
In the morning DD has tennis then we are going for her fitting for her deb dress. Quite exciting. We are planning to then go look for the accessories required, gloves, tiara, necklace etc. Very girly shopping should be fun. On Sunday we have the fun run. This will take up all of the morning because of the travel. Then I will drop Dd home and race to pick up my mum. I am taking her to meet my sister at a local shopping center for lunch and she will go to the movies with my sisters children. Back home to get ready for a very early dinner at my favourite restaurant with my children. This is a surprise. DS1 is working all weekend on a difficult job with 5am starts. This is after his bands gig tonight and he has a 21st to go to tomorrow night.I thought I wouldn't be seeing him but I found out last night he is making the effort and will be joining us. He asked me today what I wanted for mothers day and I replied quite honestly " nothing just some time with you." I am happy. I wish all of you a happy day whether it is with your loved ones or not. Be good to yourself and be content.....

2006-05-10T02:41:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone
No point my apologising again for my absence. This is becoming a habit. Life is just a bit overwhelming at the moment.

The party for my MIL on Sunday was a great success. She was very surprised and thrilled with having all her family there to celebrate. We had about 40 people for lunch so it was a bustling, busy afternoon with lots of laughter and sharing of memories. The photo is a photo board I made for her.

This Sunday is the Mothers Day fun run. Originally I wanted to enter the 8km run but have taken on board the advice and opted for the 8km walk. I am still hoping to run a lot of it and beat my time for the last run around the tan. However it seems when I run my ulcers play up so I have been worrying about that happening. Then last week I broke my toe. Just being my normal clumsy self rushing around in the early hours of the morning to go to training. Now if I han't moved the furniture to wash the windows I wouldn't have run into the furniture. There is a message there about washing windows me thinks. So I am now injured. It is not too bad except when I do a lot of exercise. The runners are not very comfortable. So I may have to walk the entire thing. DD is coming with me as my mothers day treat so that will make it fun.

SORRY FOR MY ABSENCE

2006-05-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

First of all sorry I haven't been posting or commenting. I have been reading blogs but have not had the time or energy to comment. I am feeling a lot better but still not 100%. I am finding that I am so tired in the evenings that I cannot bring myself to blog- sad state of affairs. Sleep has been elusive over the past few weeks. Either my stomach is playing up or I have been laying awake worrying about things. Many of the things keeping me awake are very silly. My motivation has followed my tiredness and while some days I have felt inspired on others I have none and eat badly out of pure self indulgence. Monday - Thursday last week I was so motivated and exercised every day, twice a day. But it didn't last! Last Thursday evening I ended up having to take my MIL home as she was feeling sick. Then I got a call from her in the middle of the night as she couldn't breathe. She has emphysema and reacts badly to having a cold. I went to her and ended up taking her to hospital where she stayed till today. That was scary and especially so for her. Luckily she has been getting better and I brought her home this afternoon. Of course the endless trips and worrying about her gave me another excuse to be slack and I think we have eaten at every takeaway in town. No exercise from Thursday till yesterday.
Last night I was supposed to go to my training session where we were having fitness tests. Of course I didn't want to go but I had promised so had to go. It was dark and cold. This is what we had to do. 4km run/walk (I walk more than I run) followed by 2 minute circuits in which we had to see how many of each exercise we could do in 2 minutes. I did 20 push ups (on toes) 46 squats with 2x 5kg weights, , 2 mins sprint racing (11 runs), 29 crunches, 26 overhead raises with weights, 1.06 min hover, 45 side raises with weights. These figures are then our benchmark for the next fitnesss test in 8 weeks. I was pleased that I beat my previous time for the run/walk but wanted to give up when my ulcers started hurting. This is really getting me cranky and worrying me. A lovely lady who only ran 2 km, ran out to me for the last 100 metres and urged me to run to the end. I so wish I could be one of those people who love running. I find it so hard and every step agony but at least I am getting better at it. The ulcers are a worry because I want to train for the 8km Mothers Day run. I haven't entered yet because I am unsure whether to enter the run or walk. I walk more than I run but last time I did the walk around the tan when I ran people told me I should be walking. So if I go with the runners then I will look foolish being left behind but the run is timed properly so I would like to have an accurate record to try to beat next year. Have to decide but if I push it too hard will my ulcers flare up??? Decision needs to be made soon.
Now I hope this post doesn't come across as a whinging one. It shouldn't. I am not quitting this journey just having my normal ups and downs. Although I give up over and over again I still get back on the right track every now and again and I am definitely getting fitter even if I am unable to move those scales down consistently.
Something to look forward to this weekend, I am giving my MIL a surprise 80th birthday party on Sunday. So glad she is home and will hopefully feel well enough to enjoy it.
I am determined to exercise everyday this week and I am going to take the time to draw myself up a training plan from today till the Mothers Day run, (and then stick to it) I hope you all have a good week. I will try to get to your blogs and leave you messages. But please know my thoughts are with you.

HEADSTART ON TOMORROW

2006-04-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Long time between posts. And gee have I missed blogging!! I will be very busy catching up on all your adventures over the last 2 weeks. I have been quite sick since the incident with the nurofen and as a result fell in a bit of a heap. Eating too much and no exercise. Combined with the break in routine caused by easter some damage has definitley occurred to my journey to goal. But that was yesterday (and many before that) No use making excuses or wallowing in regret just time to get back on the correct path.
Went off to kickboxing this morning and I was amazed at the decline in my fitness levels after 2 weeks abstinence from exercise. I did feel better after going though it was very hard to get myself out of bed at 5am. Have struggled all day to eat well but so far I am on track. My body has definitely got used to me eating more and keeps calling out to me to feed it but I am determined to do what I have in the past. Take one meal one day at a time and fake it till I make it...

"If you can do your best
to forget your worst,
you've already got a
headstart on tomorrow.."

So I forgive my bad bad ways and my self indulgent attitude and I am eagerly looking forward to feeling prouder of myself tomorrow.

DRUGS BEWARE

2006-04-12T03:39:00.000-07:00

Well after a Dr visit have solved the mystery of my problems during the run. Apparently I am not supposed to take Nurofen because of my stomach ulcers. I took some on the train trip in for my sore back and then again at the station before going home. As the Dr says that is like applying a blow torch to the ulcers..... yep that is what it felt like. So I am glad there is a reason for the sudden pain although would rather my ulcers were not there. Lesson learned is to be more careful when taking medication. As a result have still been a bit ill this week but am definitely getting better.
Had parent teacher interviews tonight for DD. It is wonderful to get such glowing reports from her teachers and as always I am very proud of her.
I am looking forward to Easter. We have decided not to go away but to relax around the house. Perhaps go to the movies and out to dinner. Might be a bit difficult to resist temptation on the food side and with reduced exercise from my back problems but what will be will be. There is always next week to get back on the correct path if needed. I will just try to minimise the damage and be as good as I can while still enjoying the break from work and the associated stress.
Hope everyone also has a relaxing break and we all come back raring to go next week.

CELEBRATION!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-10T01:56:00.000-07:00

A few things to celebrate today. Having to get into that small singlet yesterday prompted me to get one out that I wore 12 months ago and compare. WOW!!!

Went to gym tonight to have my program updated. I was going to cancel it because I am not well but thought it was better to go. We wrote a new program together and I requested back strengthening exercises! I didn't do the program tonight but was stoked when my measurements were taken. I have lost 27cm, 3% body fat and 6 kgs since last weigh in in November. The trainer said I am obviously doing something right so that was good. I was unable to go to kickboxing or my tennis leson today and cancelled my group training for the rest of the week. At gym I just did 15 mins on the treadmill hoping it might loosen me up.
I have given some thought to the walk runs and decided to do the Mothers Day Classic and the run to the G. Are there any bloggers who would like to join me?. I think my sister won't be around for these events. If anyone is interested just drop me an email and wecan encourage each other to keep training. I am determined to keep training and enter events regularly because it has been such an exhilirating thing to do and makes me feel so good about myself.
I am wondering is anyone else sore from the run yesterday. Part of me is sore from my back and stomach problems but the rest of me is also sore. Is anyone else hobbling around? The contrast between all that energy yesterday and the limited way I am moving today is quite dramatic!

PHOTOS

2006-04-09T03:18:00.000-07:00

THE TINY SINGLET THAT I WAS PROUD TO SQUEEZE INTO

YES I RAN UP THE BRIDGE, WELL SOME OF IT ANYWAY

I WAS EXHILIRATED GOING UP THAT BRIDGE

THE VIEW BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED

ABOUT TO ENTER THE TUNNEL

RUN4THE KIDS

2006-04-09T02:31:00.000-07:00

What an amazing Day! Couldn't sleep all night as I still wasn't feeling great so got up at 5am and did the washing. Train left at 7am and it was so exciting as all the passengers seemed to be doing the run and chatted excitedly. When I got there had to cue for toilets, find my sister and dump the bag. This meant we just got into the starting area before the start. We moved forward a bit and once through the finish line started to tun. The on ramp to the bridge looked tough but we actually had no problem. Running over the bridge was exhilirating and I felt like a champion. The run down was even better. I had no trouble running more than usual.Legs didn't hurt, breathing was fine. We paced ourselves setting people ahead as targets and would run to catch them. Often they would then pass us and then we would pass them etc. Made it interesting. Approaching the tunnel I started to get pains in my stomach/ sternum area. I figured (how dumb was I that maybe they were from my cold and were really in my lungs..) So I held myself while running. Going into the tunnel was thrilling. On teh way we met two men taht we had joked with when we did the run at the tan. They remembered us as the girls who kept running past them. We overtook them. Then running up the last hill out of the tunnel they ran up to us. "Jesus" I said and started toto run, laughing an dcalling out " I can't run up this hill don't make me." He replied "Yes you can, go for it." So I did. We left the tunnel and our time was 1hr 14mins. YAHOO!!! and we had been worried we wouldn't get through in 2 hrs!! This meant we would finish the whole thing in under 2 hrs. We were stoked. Then as we came up the next bit the pain incresaed and went into my back. It was so bad apparently I went ghost white and started to collapse. I stopped and lent on a tree with my sister worrying I was having a heart attack. I knew it wasn't that but the pain was overwhelming. A volunteer came up and asked me should he get someone to come get me. I said no I would not give up yet as there were more helpers along the way. We started walking and the best I could do was a slow walk for 10 minutes. I had another fainting spell and was close to tears thinking I wouldn't be able to finish when all we had left was 5kms of relatively flat road to go. We had done all the hard bits we were worried about!! Luckily the pain ebbed a bit and we just walked slowly. When we saw the finish I said " NO way am I not running through that line so off we went. Got through in 2hrs 17mins which was better than I expected but disappointing that we had to walk so much of it when we had not been having any trouble going fast. As I came through the finish line we saw the medical tent so went in and sat(collapsed) on a chair. Again I started to faint as the pain came again. GRRRRRRRR. They were wonderful. NOT sure what the problem is but the physio said my back is definitely out. She also queried whether I had digestive problems. When the pain got bad I had said to my sis I think it is my ulcers. I have had stomach ulcers for 25 years. I have had them operated on and they just flair up occassionally. The physio said that because I was running trying to ignore the pain from them I probably held my body funny and that put my back out more and led to the muscle spasms!! After some time in the tent I felt better(they took our time again so I hope that is not the time they put in the paper as we had been in the tent about 20 mins.) so we went and got something to eat and then got the bus back to the station. Finally after saying bye to my sis I caught a train but then the attack came again and I thought I was going to pass out on the train. I got off at Caulfield and went to the toilet had a drink, something else to eat (as it helps with ulcers to have food in your tummy) and did some stretching. Caught the next train and felt every jolt. Again I thought I was going to pass out. I must have looked bad as I was sweating and sitting holding my head. Of course no one asked if I needed help. Got home and more painkillers and Dh rubbed some cream into my back and I went to bed. Body is still not good but a lot better. Have to give some thought to what to do about this; physio, DR?? Booked a massage yesterday with someone else on Tuesday as I knew my back was still bad. Ulcers are a problem I do not want to deal with.
BUT THE RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was very disappointing to end it the way we did because we were so in the zone and so enjoying it and would have been under 2hrs. CANNOT believe it. It was inspiring and my sister was so proud of me knowing how I have NEVER been into exercise before I started this journey. I was even doing better than her. It was hard but not really if that makes sense. We are planning future events and this one will definitely be an annual event for us. As my sister said I could not help what happened to my stupid body but we know we were rocking it in timewise.
I am posting some pictures I took and when I feel better I will gloat over them and remember how great it felt running over that giant bridge.

A GLIMMER

2006-04-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the well wishes. This bug is lingering on but is definitely not as bad as earlier in the week. Took myself off to training this morning and no one was there! Haven’t been to any of these sessions all week but I did ring and leave 2 messages that I would go today. So I went for a short 2km run/walk and then did my grocery shopping. Due to my cold and bad back this week have had reduced exercise. Nothing since the 1000 steps on Sun then I went to the gym on Thursday and did step class which this week incorporated weights. Great workout but not great for my sore back afterwards. Then I also did a 35 min walk/run on Thurs and Friday. Had a massage yesterday but doesn’t seem to have helped my back any. One good thing though was that when I told the masseur how much weight I lost she said she couldn’t believe it because I was so toned and didn’t have any saggy skin!! Now I am sure she was just being nice and she wasn’t massaging the overhanging tummy but still felt good to hear comments like that.
I am both dreading and looking forward to the run tomorrow. I feel like one of the people from the Biggest Loser and this is a challenge that is a metaphor for my life. If I can do this I can do anything! Each of these challenges is a new benchmark of a new me and the new life I am forging for myself. This is something my family don’t get and I guess I don’t talk about it much. But you bloggers do and that is why I can do this with your support, Thanks guys.
I went and weighed in this morning and had another loss. The figure on the scales is lower than I have ever been in about 10 or more years. I am doing a lot of thinking about this and am beginning to see a glimmer that maybe I can get there and reach goal and beyond………
I will be setting myself some new mini goals to help me get there.
Have 5 minutes at home then start the mums taxi service for the day. A night at home to realx and think about tomorrow then the big event, I will be back tomorrow to tell you all how it went. Fingers crossed for an improvement in the weather.

WHEN PLANS GO AWRY!

2006-04-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

As you know I have been training like a mad woman for the R4TK on Sunday. As I am not a runner I have been very worried but determined to master the 14.7 challenge. My theory was that if I trained everyday then I would be as prepared as possible. To that end I have stepped up all my sessions and theorised that if I kept it up I would be as fit as possible with no muscle soreness to hamper me. I was totally in the exercise zone and really enjoying it. But what happened? On Friday I felt dreadful, then Sat could hardly move from the combination of weight lifting induced sore back and the flu. Sunday I dragged myself to do the 1000 steps. Got to the top in the same time but the run down had me feeling like I was going to faint or throw up!. Spent the next 2 days in bed or on the coach alternating between fevers and chills. Both the kids are now coming down with it. I tried to get someone to fill in at tennis yesterday but couldn't so had to play. I was a bit better but still kept getting dizzy spells from the exertion. Another sleepless night meant I didn't go to training this morning as I was scared to risk getting worse again. I am getting better but just need it to happen sooner. I am going to try to go to step class tomorrow and then train Friday and Sat..not the best preparation I had hoped for. My sister is doing this with me and has now confessed she wishes she wasn't!! And she was supposed to help motivate me as she is younger and fitter. Then to make matters worse I stuffed up her entry. I put her street address with my suburb. Having a blonde moment!!! We are trying to sort it out so she can get the race kit which will allow her to participate.
Oh yeh and Dh and I are at war, luckily he has been away for the past few days as I think it would have become nuclear. Guess he won't be there supporting me on Sunday!! But no excuses here. I am going to do this even though I will probably have to walk it all. I just want to complete it and not be picked up by the bus for the people who are too slow. Many bloggers seem to be doing it as well. Good luck to each and every one of you. Personally I think we are amazing to be attempting such a distance and I am proud of us; all the runners, the walkers and in my case maybe the crawlers. The one thing life has taught me is that life never goes as planned so I will just go with the flow and do the best I can.

VIRGIN FAT!!!!

2006-03-31T18:34:00.001-08:00

Finally I can put my ticker back up and be proud that I am again losing Virgin Fat. This seems to have been a long time since I could feel good about losing weight I had not lost before. My holidays, xmas,parties etc kept me going up and down but I am finally proud to sy I have broken into new figures at an all time low. I am feeling very good about that.

EXERCISE is still very intense with this week including the 100 steps, kickboxing, weight training X 2, cardio session, step class. Tomorrow we are going to do the 1000 steps again and of course ther is only 1 week to go to the Run for The kids. (and yes I am still very worried as I am not able to run very far)

My eating has been impeccable with the only treat being fish and chips a week ago. Must say all I could taste was the fat and not the fish so won't be doing that again in a hurry.

On Thursday (hence unable to attend the Melb bloggers meet)I took my MIL to see Rhonda Burchmore and unexpectedly really enjoyed it. Of course I think I was the youngest person there by about 30 years so that helped to feel good about myself. This week also included a check up at my DR. He refused to drop my medication so that was a bit disappointing but he did weigh me and was blown away and made some very complimentary commnets about how well I was doing. He also pointed out my heaviest weight which was 2 kg higher than when I started WW. That means I have lost around 30% of my body weight! That in itself was worth the visit. Unfortunately as it goes I am now sick. All those germs at the Drs!!!! Have a dreadful sore throat and fever and aching bones. Think I may have to give exrecise a miss today. Not sure if I can as it has become something I need everyday. I did go back to bed after WW and slept for a few hrs so hopefully that will help. WE have no plans for the weekend. First time in a long time. Plan to garden and clean the house and maybe watch some movies. Oh and spare a thought for poor Briony who is getting lots of exercise moving in to her lovely new home this weekend. Have a great weekend everyone.

EXERCISE JUNKIE!!

2006-03-28T02:27:00.000-08:00

Busy weekend which included a cardio session at the gym and the evening at the Commonwealth Games Athletics Finals. They were so inspirational. I went on Sunday morning to do the 1000 steps again. When we got to the first step my trainer said "shall we run?" I laughed at her and told her to run ahead. I ran some steps but not many. But I did get to the top in 20 minutes. All up I beat my time from car to car the previous week by 10 minutes so I was pleased with that. I still thought my lungs were going to burst and my legs collapse but the run down felt great. We have decided to do it again next Sunday and follow it with a walk... The fear of the Run For The Kids (14.7km) in 2 weeks is pushing me to train even harder. I really am terrified I won't complete it before the bus comes along to pick up the stragglers...

Finally managed to find a deb dress for my daughter. The last 2 weeks have seen us trying to find one without much luck due to her small size, but we found a lovely designer on Sat and were able to hire a beautiful dress that fits E perfectly and the price was more reasonable. Ball is not till June but we were shocked to find that that was too soon for many of the places selling dresses. So that is one worry over with.

Work is still way to busy and stressful but I have been handling it without resorting to comfort eating. The exercise is definitely helping with that. Had a lovely tennis match today and felt good to be alive and well and moving around in the fresh air. Of course it helps that a lot of our tennis is accompanied by laughter rather than sweat but still it was good.
I have definitely turned into an exercise junkie and that is something I would never have believed possible 15 months ago. so YOU CAN TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS!!!!!!

SHARE THE LOAD

2006-03-23T21:46:00.000-08:00

Seems a long time since I posted as in reality this has been one heck of a week. We have been extremely busy at work preparing a big tender that had to be delivered today. Involved some late nights and long days. Fingres crossed for a successful outcome. Then of course I had to squeeze in two highlights of my week which involved meeting with blogging friends.

Firstly I went to the airport to meet Kellee. She was flying home and we were able to have lunch together with her mum and cute little Charlie. For those who read Kellees blog do not believe her comments that she is a fattybumba. She is very tiny and looks like a skinny girl with a basketball up her dress. Very pregnant but glowing with happiness and good health. It was a plesaure to meet up with Kellee again and I am priveleged to call her my friend.
Then the next night I went into the city to meet Linda who was in Melb overnight for work. We had tea together and a walk around the casino but basicaly sat and did a lot of talking. Linda now has a stunning figure and it is hard to believe she was ever large so that is very inspiring. What she does have though is a very caring personality and it was great to chat and share things with someone who understands this journey and its ups and downs.

Both of these girls I consider my friends and that is the truly amazing part of this community. It would be difficult to explain the support given throughout this community to anyone who has not experienced it first hand but then to actually meet and re-meet new friends is a gift I never expected.

Some other highlights this week;
Last night I went to the Commonwealth Games, athletics in the city. It was truly inspiring especially watching the men racing with no arms. What obstacles and pain and barriers they have overcome to get to where they are in life. A lesson which I intend to remember.

We are going in again tomorrow night and expect then to enjoy it even more as my family will be going with me.

I was just interrupted by a call and visit from my elder DS. The bank had taken his loan payment out twice today!!! After an hour arguing with them because they cannot do anything till tomorrow he came to me and borrowed some money so he could go out tonight. My second DS paid me back money he owed me last night Then his car broke down today and had to be fixed unexpectedly as the radiator broke. Of course he didn't have enough money so mums purse was emptied. They will pay me back but my purse is empty tonight. At least I know they still need me....

On the exercise front I have had a great week. I think something really kicked in last weekend with the run and the 1000 stairs. This week I have been to;
Kickboxing class, cardio class, step class, fitball and weights class, weights session at the gym and ran and walked and been on exercise bike each day. Sunday I am going to do the 1000 steps again with my group trainer. My food has been perfect and I have eaten 20 points each day. In the past I always undereat which leads to me staying on a plateau and then falling of the wagon so I am pleased to be doing the right thing. Finally the scales are noticing and starting to go down. I am going to go to WW in the morning and know I will be close to my lowest weight in Dec. A great feeling.
Hope you all have a great weekend and just want to leave you with this quote from my desk calender;
If something seems far too big for you to cope with, maybe it's because you're meant to share the load with someone else.
That is how I feel about my blogging friends, they help me to cope when I need to share the load. Thanks.

what a weekend!!

2006-03-19T01:40:00.000-08:00

So much happened this weekend but time is very limited on computer so I will just do a little victory dance/boast. Yesterday I did my time trial. Time to complete was same as last time so not great not bad. After a busy night out and very little sleep I took myself off to the 1000 steps early this morning. Those who read Jadeys blog will be familiar with it. To start off there is a 1km walk up hill. I nearly gave up halfway up. Then the stairs. They are very steep and windy in places with walking bits in between. I kept thinking of the Biggest Loser stair challenge. If I had to I thought I will crawl up them. Still almost gave up near th etop. I asked someone and they told me I only had 2 steep sections of stairs to the top so inspired I kept going. When I got to the top I checked the time and it was only 30 mins since I left the car. Felt like an hour. The last 2 sections were definitely the worse so thankyou to the ladies who told me it was nearly the end or I might have given up. I stretched and then started down. Apart from the very steep sections when I held on to the rail in fear of falling I ran most of the way down and back to the car. I felt exhilirated. When I got to the car I checked the time again and I had been up and back from the car park in 50 minutes. Now I know some people do it in 15 and I passed some people going up and back twice, and I passed some men running UP the stairs but I did it!!!!!!!!!!I actually cheered myself out loud and did a little victory dance. (In the privacy of the car of course) SO I am following my post of yesterday and trying to enjoy the journey without constantly berating myself for not being fast or good enough... Today I was a champion! albeit probably a very sore one tomorrow.

Do You Suffer from DIET RAGE?

2006-03-17T00:05:00.000-08:00

Found this article today and I really relate to what it says.
I know I have become frustrated with dieting and need to follow some
of these tips to overcome my own impatience

Think about your dieting history. Does it give you the same feeling as an exasperating traffic jam?
You never quite get where you want to go as fast as you want to get there. You get aggravated, yell (usually at yourself), and see people in other lanes going faster than you (how do they DO that?!), and it usually ends up ruining your day.

Here’s the lesson: Getting frustrated with your diet does no more good
than getting frustrated in traffic. It just makes you unhappy, unsuccessful and tense.

Next time you start to feel frustrated with your weight loss progress, keep these "lessons of the road" in mind:

Pay less attention to how much further you have to travel. Stop asking yourself "are we there yet?" You’ll get there when you get there. Instead, look at the scenery, think about life, carry on a conversation, sing along with the radio, or simply be thankful for how far you’ve come.

The journey is always more fun with a passenger. Have you asked anyone along for the ride?

You know the route you need to take to reach your weight loss goals. It’s already mapped out. As long as you stay pointed in the right direction, you’ll get there. Even in the worst traffic jams, you still get to your destination at some point. It’s the same way with dieting – just a matter of time. It may take longer than you first expected, but you will get there.

There will always be periods of stopping and starting. It’s something that you should just anticipate and allow for. No use getting upset or stressed about not making progress. It’s a normal part of the journey.

Sometimes, you’ve just gotta go with the flow of what’s going on around you. Life can present some situations that you really can’t do anything about. When that happens, staying straight and steady – doing the best that you can – will keep you on track and sane. In traffic, impatient people stop, change lanes, weave in and out of other cars, driving themselves and everyone else crazy – and in the end, usually don’t get any farther along than you do by staying put and going with the flow.

Shortcuts never work.

Driving too fast is dangerous. That’s why they call it "crash" dieting. Slow down, take what life gives you, and make sure you arrive at your destination in good health.

Now if only I could shake my frustration, find some motivation and get back on the road to a safe journey....

UP AND DOWN WEEK

2006-03-10T01:40:00.000-08:00

This has been a strange week with emotions going up and down it seems on a daily basis. I have exercised so much I surprised even myself. So that was good. On the eating front I have tracked everthing and stayed within points everyday. I even gave away the box of Lindt chocolates that has been sitting in my office for the past month! Went to WW and recorded a loss but had hoped for a bigger one after being so good. I was very cheesed off because the leader is away for a couple of weeks. You may recall last week I asked for help and promised to attend this weeks meeting. She said she would talk to me. Now she must have known she was going away. I would have preferred it if she had told me that. So I weighed in and came home before the meeting feeling very cranky.

Had something difficult to deal with on Wed and got through it without resorting to food for support. As draining and worrying as it was I felt better afterwards. And I know I made someone happy so that was uplifting. Since weigh in I have continued to be exceptionally good but scales are not really co-operating. I think because this weight I am trying to lose is weight I lost before christmas I am not allowing myself to be pleased with small losses. I am on a mission to get to Virgin Fat as Felicity calls it and my body does not seem to want to make it easy for me. Of course that is what I deserve for being slack but........ I honestly think my body has got used to the fact that I exercise for a couple of hours a day so exercise doesn't contribute to me getting smaller. I am sure though that I am getting fitter and healthier and have to accept that and stop putting so much value on the scales reading! Easier said than done though.

Anyway tomorrow I am off to the caravan with Ebony and my sister and her family for 2 days on the water. Always lost of fun and laughs so I am looking forward to that. A little bit mor edifficult with no set exercise sessions to attend and food everywhere but I will do my best and that is all I can do. Have a great weekend everyone.

BOASTING

2006-03-06T01:43:00.000-08:00

Bri and I have entered a WWA TEAM CHALLENGE Big Aussie Icons.
Tonight we are No 1!!!! GO TEAM!!!
Now Bri we have to work hard or walk hard to stay there. The challenge is on. All those people who are WWA members can check us out and cheer us on. We are called Superchicks.

FUNRUN AND BOOT CAMP-EXERCISE OVERLOAD

2006-03-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to our quarterly Boot CAmp. This time we did it at the local Botanical Gardens, which just happens to have hills and stairs...many, many stairs. I won't go into detail. It was torture carrying our rifles (poles) up and down these vertically challenging obstcales. But I stayed near the leaders of the pack, cannot keep up with 3 of them but I am ahead of the rest of the group. So I am impressed with myself. It was on again today but I had to miss it beacsue I had something better to do.

Today I went into the city to compete in the Cancer fun/run walk. My sister met me there and we were at the starting line for the 8km walk. We were filmed so you never know we might be on TV tonight! We ran about 1/3 of it and completed the course in 64 minutes. I was very pleased with that as my target was to be under 70 mins. It was a beautiful sunny morning and the course was around the Botanical Gardens in Melb so very picturesque.8kms plus of course the walk to and from the station. Again we were only a few people behind the leaders. My sister has now agreed to do the 14.7km one with me in April. It is great to have her there as someone to talk to but also because she encourages me to run more than I would on my own. Now I need to eat and have a "nanna nap" I am sooooo tired.

THANKS ANNE

2006-03-02T01:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to my first Body Attack class. BUT I piked after half an hour. I couldn't keep up and did not really like the instructor. She was young and slim but oh so serious.

I was very tired as I had gone to running training at 6am, (and completed it) It included: 2 1km runs (well I walked some of it but ran most) running up and down a hill ten times, pushing and pulling a 120kg man up the same hill 10 times, doing repetitions at top and bottom of hill of star jumps and step ups. I almost kept up with the leaders in the group which was amazing. Best I have ever done. I also went for a long walk in the afternoon.

Went to step class this morning, cannot get over how hard it is and yet it is also so much fun. Felt great after it. The instructor has a great sense of humour and I find that really makes a difference. AND I did 12 pushups on my toes. Last year I couldn't even do 1 on my toes.

Busy day at work and lots to do at home. Tonight I sat down to do some blogging and finally found my way to Annes blog. (I had lost it after her host crashed their hard drive)I was catching up on her news and reading how she is attempting bike reading in consideration of doing a TRI. I stopped reading mid post and went out to the garage and found DD's old bike. Covered in cobwebs and all. I jumped on and RODE round the block. Now apart from my one attempt last year I have not ridden a bike in more years than I can remember. I rode around the block. Oh I said that already. Can you tell I am excited? This block is only 2 km and has 1 small hill and 1 long gentle incline. Did I say small and gentle? They felt like mountains. But I didn't stop and I am very pleased with myself. Thanks Anne for the motivation. Now this block I rode around is very boring and I never want to walk it so now I have something else I can do in the evenings when boredom hits. Better than raiding the pantry. I figure 2kms a couple of times a week will be good for me. Of course in the morning I may change my mind if my butt is too sore for training. The seat was very hard. But tonight I am just very very pleased with myself.

Oh and M thanks for your idea of doing something good each day. I went out tonight and planted some prairie roses in my garden..just for my own pleasure.

WITH EINSTEIN ON OUR SIDE WE CANNOT FAIL.

2006-02-28T18:01:00.000-08:00

IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME

2006-02-28T16:55:00.000-08:00

Had a good day yesterday. Started the day right with a 30 minute walk around the block at 6am. Definitely had to talk myself into it but felt good when it was done. Played tennis and was absolutely thrashed but enjoyed the exercsie and the sunshine and lots of laughter. Then did some work and squeezed in a 60 min walk in the late afternoon before picking up DD from work. Rushed to WW and talked to the leader. Now this leader is excellent but I have been unable to go to her metings since early last year. I have just been weighing in and leaving before the meetings on another day where the leader is very uninspirational. I actually went up to this leader last night and said "help" We had a quick talk. She remembered that I do lots of exercise and asked me what has changed? I admitted that the stresses of life are the same but holidays, special occassions etc contributed to my gain. Also that I am not as desperate anymore to lose weight because I feel better about my body. She said I had become complacent and that is common. Amazingly she also remembered that I do not eat enough until I then break out and told me to eat more each day on the "good" days so I don't snap on the "bad" days. I promised to go and stay for the meeting next week as I couldn't stay last night.
I have given this a lot of thought. I may be happier with my body now than a year ago but I do not want to gain it back and I do want to lose much more. So as the title says it is up to me. I have to stop using excuses and do what needs to be done.
So back to basics it is and that goes for food, exercise and most importantly attitude!!!!

I also owe an apology to my "friends" who emailed me last week offering support. I haven't replied because my head was in a bad place and time on the computer was very limited. Thankyou though it really did help snap me out of my doldrums.

Don't Delay Do It Today!!

2006-02-27T12:23:00.000-08:00

Trying to adapt this as my motto for each and every day this week. I need to refocus on my weight loss. To that end each day is important. It seems since my holiday last Dec my efforts have been for only some of the days. I have been able to put 100% in 4 or 5 days a week and then blow it the other 2-3 days. Then in the past few weeks the ratio seemed to become reversed. So baby steps, day by day but everyday are what I need to do. I am finally going to take my ticker down because it has not been accurate this year and I have conveniently ignored it.

So Steps So far THIS WEEK:
MONDAY;
EXERCISE:60 min kickboxing, 40 min tennis lesson, 30 min run/walk
FOOD: 24 points, not good but not "bad" food either
WATER: 3 bottles
STEPS: 18000

CHALLENGES I HAVE SET MYSELF
SAT: Boot Camp
SUN: 8km walk/run for the Cancer Foundation with my sister.

GO TO WW tonight and weigh in to get the gain out of the way and put it behind me.....DO I dare do this. I keep telling myself I will go back when I have lost the excess but the excess keeps getting bigger. So yes I will go and weigh in tonight!

Thanks everyone

2006-02-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

Hi guys sorry I haven't been around or replied to the messages of concern. Two weeks since I blogged has just flown. Since our wonderful Sydney meet life has been out of control. I have literally been working night and day, just coming home in between for school pick ups and a bit of dinner. (usually take away)Finishing at about midnight on most nights. Have not had time to go on internet as I could not afford the distraction and the time required. Time has become a very scarce commodity here and what little there is has been needed in being a mum. I have browsed all your blogs ocassionally to make sure you are all doing OK. Over tiredness and overwork resulted in my not coping very well. Have had some problems at home and some ongoing problems at work. One of my DS is having some personal problems and it make me feel helpless. It was much easier to fix things for him when he was young. DD had her beautiful hair cut off and hates it so lots of moaning and groaning about that as well as the endless hours of homework she is snowed under with -she is not a cheerful person at the moment. Stress levels have beeen very high and I have developed a "don't care " attitude to my eating. Motivation has completely disappeared. Not sure why my brain has decided eating every piece of junk I can find will help but that is what has been happening. Tried to explain to DH that I was not doing well and his comment was that I was fine because I had lost so much weight already. Doesn't get that I could easily put it back on. Will attempt to get back into things and find my way again next week.

Have had a few good times. Last Friday my DS1 had his first "gig" at a local pub. We packed the tiny pub and it was a very proud mum who watched his band perform. I loved seeing him so happy with what he was doing. DD is in a tennis Grand Final in the morning so fingers crossed that she plays well. DD and I have also taken up scrapbooking and have found the few times we have done it very relaxing. We will be having a session with scrapbooking friends tonight so I am looking forward to that.
On Sun I start my training for the 14.7km walk /run in April so I am using that to try to kick my head back into the right attitude. Wish me luck that I survive the training and then get back in the right frame of mind. I promise to report back in on Monday and need you all to get on my back literally about my out of control eating.

VALENTINES DAY

2006-02-13T21:48:00.000-08:00

Today is a special day but not for the usual reasons. My father died on Valentines day in my arms 14 years ago. His middle name was Valentine. So on this day there are both good and bad feelings. Memories that are always there but sometimes pushed down deep come to the surface. Not a day for celebration but a day for reflection. My daughter asked me last night "was he your real dad?" The reason for this question is that I was blessed with two fathers. This was my step father but never did I think of him that way. I had 2 dads, one I lived with who brought me up and one I saw occassionally. My "technically" dad (who I also loved)died when I was 16 and it was announced by a visit from the police at midnight. My second dad was there through that as well as through my marriage, my pregnancies and lots more. With an incredible generosity of spirit he had allowed my real dad to visit whenever he was sober. He went and picked him up and drove him home and accepted him as part of our family. He delighted when I had children particularly when there was a granddaughter for him to dote on. The last 3 years of his life were made extra special because he was able to spend a lot of time with her. I loved "my dad" and grew even closer to him as an adult. I nursed him through his cancer and this meant he could die at home where he wanted. I was fortunate because I got to spend many endless nights at his bedside where I could talk to him and let him know how much he was loved.I miss him terribly and just wish my children had known him more. He was the epitomy of a gentleman and was the perfect role model for what a man should be.
This man made an indelible imprint on my soul and definitely moulded the better side of me. He was kind and caring and tolerant and love and family were the reason for his very being...a truly gentle man...........

These were my dads favourite flowers. He loved gardening and planted some in my garden..............Each year when they bloom I have a smile remembering the joy he found in the garden and feel very close to him when I am tending the plants he loved.

2006-02-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES

SYDNEY AND COURAGE

2006-02-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a very special day and I flew to Sydney to meet up with fellow bloggers; M, Linda, Jodie, Mary, Julie and CKK. Up at 5am to catch an early plane I ventured off into the unknown. From the airport I caught a train to Wynyard, (armed with detailed and clear instructions from M). There I was met by Linda and Margaret. We set off and began our marathon walk around the heart of Sydney. First we hit the local markets, then around the Rocks, and on to the Sydney Opera House where we RAN up the stairs simply because we can. A lovely woman took our photo. As you can see I felt like I was in the Land of The Giants. I am definitely a midget! We then had to race, literally for me as my stride is half that of M’s, to the Harbour where we met the others for lunch. The girls had chosen a lovely Asian restaurant and we all enjoyed our meal with much talking and laughter. Dessert was of course a healthy option of fruit and a small serve of ice cream. (well ok there was ½ a strawberry and lots of ice cream)The waiter took a lovely photo of us which I think Jodie will publish later this week. After lunch like all good weight watchers we then tried to walk it off. It was a beautiful sunny day and we watched the Dragon Race finals, children frolicking in the splash pools and then some ventured onto the paddle boats where ramming seemed to be the objective. All good exercise. Marys’ BF,  Dan joined us for  a while (what a gorgeous man Mary) and we then started to say our goodbyes and go to separate destinations. M, Linda and I went to a beautiful old building to help M select a dress for an upcoming wedding. Lots of laughter and window shopping. Then I caught my train back to the airport, my plane home, followed by a long drive  and arrived home very weary at about 10pm. This was a very memorable day and one I will file carefully in my magic memory file.

It is one thing to blog anonymously with people, to bare ones soul, to write things you would never dream of saying  in person but then to remove that anonymity is a very brave thing to do. (for me anyway). This was way out of my comfort zone and very risky. I was extremely nervous ( and I am sure some of the others were  to) Silly and childish thoughts coming from my own insecurities were in my foolish head. What if they don’t like me? What if I am too old to relate to them? What if I bore them etc. I could not believe that I was getting on a plane to meet new people. BUT this journey has not just been about weight loss. It has been about making many changes to myself. I am and have always been very shy and found it very difficult to relate to people I do not know well. I do not trust easily or make friends easily. I want relationships where I can be the giver and don’t dare to be the taker. I have never been one to open up and share the real me with people for fear of being judged or not liked. But here I am throwing myself at people ..or so it seems at times.

So I did this just as in the past 12 months I have done many new and brave things.  Just as I hope I will continue to do. I don’t want to stagnate, I don’t want to be lonely because I don’t reach out.  I want to be open and trusting and then what will be will be.   I will make new friends and in some cases I won’t. I will find people that I can relate to and some I can’t. I will continue to support those in this special blogging community who want my support and I know they will continue to support me. I will continue to take risks and it will be worth it.
So in conclusion a big thankyou to M for organizing this day and a big thankyou to all who came. We were and are a very special group of women and we were, and deserve to be, proud of ourselves (and I don’t mean for our weight loss but for our generous and open souls.

THANKS FOR THE HELP

2006-02-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

Thanks everyone for the offers of help and thanks M for sending me the codes. The weird thing is that what I was having trouble doing at home works here on computer at work. My links were invisible at home but appear here. Anyway I will be able to use M's codes and add my friends to my page but may not get time to do it till next week. Life is a wee bit hectic this week. All I can say is that the one set of tennis on Tuesday was a definite hi point for the week. Luckily I have Sat to look forward to to help keep me sane. I need to get stuck into some work so may not be able to blog much for next couple of days. Hope you all have days filled with motivation, contentment, love, exercise...and no chocolate, (unless you intend sharing with me and then it doesn't count)

NEW BLOGS

2006-02-07T05:36:00.000-08:00

Having trouble getting the links to show and work so this new blog is very much still a Work In Progress. May need to ask for some help...

ANNA WATCH OUT!

2006-02-07T02:19:00.000-08:00

Started the day in a bad way wondering whether I should have gotten out of bed. Long night spent watching the clock worrying about things I cannot control. After taking E to school did a bit of blogging then raced out the door to tennis. Forgot my mobile phone (supposed to be on call) forgot to take my tablets, and wearing a new bra too small (cutting off my circulation) Blast those variations in sizes between bras. However I was wearing my new tennis outfit! Bought this on sale last year but would not allow myself to wear it till I lost more weight. Well in my weakened state this morning I succumbed. The old tennis outfit is way too big and looks terrible.
On arriving at tennis I was told I had lost more weight. Well who was I to argue (with someone older and wiser than me) I accepted the compliment graciously even though technically I have not. However I figure if this new fitted outfit makes me look slimmer then that is good enough.
Then I have to tell you how I played. I ran every shot down, won volley rallies, served aces, etc. The crowd cheered, (maybe it was the kookaburras laughing) We giggled and patted ourselves on the back. So obviously Anna has something to worry about. With my skill and looks in my new outfit (and we are both blonde) I am obviously in the running as new pinup girl for tennis. (I can dream can’t I?)
Now I haven’t, and won’t, tell you about the other 2 sets I played, and lost, the shots I missed and the fact that we lost the match. So don’t tell Anna OK?

EXERCISE IS EXHAUSTING

2006-02-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
Had a wonderful but exhausting weekend. On Sat after completing my time trial E had tennis. (which she won)We then went shopping for scrap book supplies. Home to lots of housework and helping E with schoolwork. Then off to dinner. The restaurant had lost power so the cooks were cooking by candle light on gas stoves. No air con working and just dim lights. The meal was delicious and they gave me half my main to take home in a doggy bag! Had to leave room for the incredible banana caramel crepes. Note the dessert was a fruit option so very few points.(I wish)
On Sunday got up at 6am to start cleaning out the garage as we have hard rubbish collection next week. Then when Dh got up at 8am we started the tip runs. 2 weeks ago we had severe storms and as a result had many trees down. These needed to be chopped and dragged to the tip. One of them was 30 ft high!! This one has been chopped partly down now so it cannot fall on the neighbours fence but we will have to finish it another day. We squeezed in a session at the gym. I really didn't want to go but needed to encourage Dh so off we went. After more tip runs, more helping E with school work and then tried to get an early night.
This morning up at 5am to go to kickboxing where I discovered I have a sore hamstring and a very sore back. Shouldn't lift logs that are bigger than me!!! AT least it meant the trainer let me do less running! Grabbed some groceries on the way home then spoilt my kids with a cooked breakfast. After the school run went and had a tennis lesson..My hammy is not as sore now so hope I did some good and not damage to it. The back on the other hand is not great. Tonight I have promised to go with the men in the family to boxing. I have to go because I am trying to get them into exercise. If I don't they will pike out as well.
So here I go again madly committing to over exercising.. I am very motivated at the moment. Firstly because next Sat I am going to Sydney for the bloggers meet. I need to lose a bit to be able to wear sz 12 pants. Such vanity!!! Secondly I am determined to complete the fun run in April and so need to get as fit as possible. Also I always seem to be an all or nothing person with exercise and have had my "nothing " periods over the past two months so now is my "all" period. Lets hope it lasts a long while.

Slayed the dragon

2006-02-03T16:53:00.000-08:00

Last night went better than expected so I feel like I have sleighed the dragon that has been tormenting me for some time..or at least it will lay low till the next battle!!Thanks for the supportive comments.

Afterwards I got on the trampoline for a workout which was a much better way to deal with the stress than eating. So exercise for yesterday was 60 minutes weight class, 15 min trampoline.

At training yesterday the trainer told me I had to go today and do my time trials. I said no way. I am so sore from getting back into the gym this week after a 10 day break. Also I haven't been training with running since I went to NZ except for an odd spurt....And had to be at Es tennis at 8am. Lots of excuses....Thought about it during the night when I wasn't sleeping and got up at 5am and off I went. The trainer had arranged to meet some people early which meant I could still make it to Ebs tennis on time. But then she didn't turn up!!!!! So I had a stop watch with me so I went on my own. I was slower than last Dec by 1.45 min but I was very pleased with that. My trainer just rang me to get my time and she was amazed first of all that I went and secondly that my time was "good" considering my lack of training and my soreness. So I have now committed to definitely compete in a 14.6 km event in April. I need to train for this as the other people from my group who want me to join their team are all runners!! This should help my motivation. Some people are doing the 5km but I knew that was not a big enough challenge for me so 14.6 it will be. I have been thinking about it for sometime and know I cannot run it all but if I walk and run it in time I will be stoked with myself. There is a time limit because they close the tunnel to traffic and you have to get through it before the re-opening time.
We are going out to dinner tonight with friends so have to be very strict with myself for the rest of the weekend.
Hope everyone has a happy weekend.

EXERCISE AND SCRAPPING

2006-02-02T04:29:00.000-08:00

Went to to step class today and it was even harder than I remembered. Having a couple of weeks break is not advisable. Step count today 16755..yeh!!!!!!!. Also ate within points so have to be pleased with that.
Just returned from a scrap booking class with E. Now I know that scrapbooking is for very young or very old people or in the words of my friend " for dags". But I went anyway, admittedly a bit unsure of whether I wanted to be there and actually enjoyed myself. E and I are now hooked and will be starting this new hobby. Not sure when I will find the time but I am sure it will be good for reducing stress levels.

Still extremely busy at work and on top of that have a very stressful evening tomorrow having to deal with a family problem. Have been dreading it all week as it developed from one bad scene to another. This time I vow not to let it send me on a self-destructive path of not caring and then falling off the wagon.(my usual way of dealing with this person) This issue is one of my main triggers and I am going to be confident and trust in myself to handle it properly. We will be eating out at a pub so it will be tempting but I am going to plan for success and eat sensibly.
I know that " I cannot direct the wind (and it will be very windy) but I can adjust the sails." Then I will not sink as I have in the past but simply sail through the storm and come out to find the sunshine on the other side....
Have a good day everyone.

EXERCISE!!!

2006-02-01T02:50:00.000-08:00

OK so tennis is back. I do not understand why with all the hours I spent watching the tennis champions I didn't learn a bit more and put those winning shots into a well planned and executed game. Still for some reason I didn't hit the ball like Fedderer!!!!!!!!! Still it was good to be back, I played reasonably well and we only lost by 2 games so it wasn't a thrashing.... Still I don't think I will be getting called up this season to play in the Veterans comp at Wimbledon.

Then inspired by Sues post last week to get on with it without excuses and then shamed by M's weekly exercise plan, I decided I needed to get back into my exercise. I hadn't exercised for 10 days for a variety of reasons, too tired, too hot, couldn't find the time with the long hrs I was working,too much tennis to watch, too lazy...in other words no valid excuse. I set my alarm for 5.20 with the best of intentions. Then had a long, long night with little sleep due to TTOM cramping and associated problems. The alarm went off and I turned it off and tried to sleep. Feeling ashamed of myself for not getting up I went tonight to the gym. Did my weight training and then a rebound class.

However all that jumping around on a trampoline is not ideal if you are having menstrual problems. While jumping I had a problem and had to race to the toilet. I had no more supplies with me so went to the desk to ask the girl if I could borrow some. A man was on duty. So I asked for my keys to get something from the car. We couldn't find them. Told him they had a long blue neck chain attached and we could not see them. The girl came over and looked for where she had put them... I asked her for something to use and she snuck me something. Said we would look for the keys later so I could get back to the class. After the class I realised the keys that we couldn't find were not my keys on a long blue neck chain...Dh had used the car and taken the chain off...So we had been looking for the wrong thing and my keys were there all along. Feeling an idiot I went to the supermarket to get some supplies for work. I was dripping with perspiration and feeling spaced out from that unfamiliar exercise when this creepy man tried to make jokes with me about what I could do with the "pistols " I was buying and that were pointing at him from the counter. (cleaning bottles with triggers)Not impressed!! My sense of humour was long gone. Paid for the supplies and then walked out , you guessed it without the car keys. What a bimbo!!!
So is exercise really worth it or will it just turn me into a brainless, cranky, ...I can't think of any more adjectives ...

I have given myself a good talking to tonight.. I need to exercise because when I don't I feel bad, then I eat bad, lose energy, get cranky and so on. I need to make the time even though I am busy, find the energy even though I am tired. SO for the next 10 days I am going to bore you all with a post each night of my exercise for the day. No need to comment, unless I don't post any exercise and then feel free to send me a swift quick. 10 days with no exercise created a habit of laziness so hopefully 10 days of exercise will give me back my old habit of loving exercise.

PUTTING IT IN PERSPECTIVE

2006-01-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

Have had a week of no exercise, lots of eating and very little sleep. As a result, and no surprises here, ended up feeling very cranky with myself. (and anyone else who dares to suggest I should drive to anymore country jobs in th emiddle of th enight.)Yesterday had an important business meeting so was faced with the dilemma of what to wear?? First off had to take E to get school shoes. I put on a sun dress and we raced to the shopping centre. When buying the shoes I looked in a mirror and could only see the extra weight I have gained with holidays, xmas, partying etc etc etc. Came home with only 1 hr to get ready and get to work and ransacked my wardrobe for an appropriate outfit!!. All my recent new clothes which previously made me feel skinny are now too tight!!! (haven't weighed myself in over 1 week and too scared to do so.)All my business suits, tried on and discarded under E's guidance are too big. Now I should have been pleased about that at least but No I was cranky because I had nothing "professional" to wear to the meeting. Thing is my self esteem was way down as a result of the last 7 weeks of over indulgence, so everything looked bad! Pulled on a pair of elastic waist trousers and a nice knitted top. Felt really frumpy. Then at work the business men arrived. They haven't seen me for 12 months. So I was greeted with " hello slim. What have you done to look this good!" Now all I can think is I must have looked so bad a year ago. I know I am feeling really fat now and it is my own fault but he made me remember that I have changed a lot and that is for the better. SO back on the wagon.... I am now heading again hopefully in the right direction. So thankyou to my businessmen for giving me back some perspective.

Went last night to see Billy Connelly. He was hilarious an dwe had a lot of laughs. He does go on a bit too longthough. 2hrs adn 30 minutes without an interval is a long time to sit in one place and you have to really concentrate at times to understand his accent. But thoroughly entertaining.

Today tennis begins and you all know how I love my tennis. Haven't held a racquet since end Nov so may have trouble hitting the ball so wish me luck.

SORRY!!

2006-01-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

I haven't been much of a blogger this year. Somehow the days just fly past and I am sooo busy that I find it hard to steal the time to blog. Hav ebeen reading blogs but often no time to comment. Dh has needed me to drive on a few occassions now to country jobs during the night. Hence long drives and trying to catch a few hrs uncomfortable sleep in his car. (A ute so not even a back seat to stretch out on.) Hence my back is sore, no exercise and a tired, cranky me that has been eating anything I could find... Next week school goes back so hopefully the return to routine and no more night drives (fingers crossed) adn I will get back on track. I loved Sues post re getting motivated and I will print it out an dif I have to read it over and over then I will brainwash myself back into caring about my weight...next week...when school goes back. ( Gee sounds like all those times I used to say I would start on Monday!!!)

Have a happy Australia Day everyone. We will have the kids here to swim on this 40 degree day so it will be a good one.

MY FRIEND BRI

2006-01-21T23:32:00.000-08:00

First of all my apologies for not blogging much this week. I have just been so busy and my time near a computer has been limited.
Had a week with lots of exercise which was good and fairly good eating.
Then I went to Newcastle and had a wonderful time with Bri and her family. She has the most beautiful son with whom I fell instantly in love, (brought out the mother in me) A big highlight for me was hearing him say my name. He is going to be a little heart breaker when he grows up. But there will be lots of magic moments before then and I am confidant that I will get to witness some of them. Briony is a wonderful mother who dotes on her son and she is raising him with lots of love and patience.

Bri and I were of course both nervous to be meeting in person and I was feeling very honoured that she was opening her home to me. We needn't have worried because we clicked just as well in person as we had been on the internet. We walked, we talked, we laughed and yes we even sat quietly together reading papers. There was no arteface between us and no need for either one to entertain the other. I am now confidant that I have found a friend for life and feel truly blessed to be able to call such a special person my friend. The strange thing is that I thought I had reached a stage in life where I would not make new friends but just look what this journey and this blogging world has brought into my life? Briony and I will be planning more get togethers and will continue to support each other in our journey to a better life.

On the first night we took opurselves out to dinner and enjoyed a lovely guilt free meal. When it came to dessert (which I was determined to have ) I of course chose the healthy option of apple. Very good wasn't I??

But I suppose in the interests of honesty I should mention the fact that it came covered with crumble, custard and a delicious caramel sauce. It was also enormous!!! How could I have known that just because it was called Caramel Apple Crumble that it wasn't just a healthy apple???

Anyway I did my best not to offend the chef while Bri, who had resisted temptation, laughed at my noble attempts. Needless to say I needed to walk it off the next day...and in honesty probably every day this week.